z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

In my mind

by Teddybear


I think my mind is a room

There are no doors, no windows

But also no gloom

Inside, time slows

There are filing cabinets

And paper towers

Neat little rows of colored magnets

And a spectrum of undying flowers

There is color and light

But everything is still dim

My mind shant be to bright

Else over papers my minds eye would only skim

Thoughts are paper airplanes

Memories are filed away

Everything is chaos

Some would say it’s insane

It’s warm inside my mind

Comforting thoughts are warm blankets

Because reality is unkind

I lose myself in fantasy

One, two, three

Patience low the dial says

I close my eyes and wrap myself in fantasy

I live in here, opposition is unwelcome

I live in my mind so of course I have friends

Characters created from chaos

Figments who live outside reality

I write their stories, I draw their faces

I occasionally tune the world back in

Once my patience has recharged

And try to see others’ minds

As clear as I see my own

But no, in my mind I shall stay

Where my thoughts paint pictures on the walls

And over the leaning paper stacks

And speak in the voices of those who don’t exist

My mind is a cinema

My mind is an office

My mind is a playroom

My mind is a haven

Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments


User avatar
48 Reviews

Points: 40
Reviews: 48

Donate
Wed Mar 13, 2019 9:15 pm
starryknightt wrote a review...



Hey again!

I actually love this poem more than the last one. It's, seriously, beautiful. Your mind is like a glass prism and this poem thrust it into the sunlight. It's very colorful. I think that's my favorite part about it.

I saw two or three very minor grammar mistakes. Easily fixable. In lines 11 and 12. Turn "to" into "too". "Minds" into "mind's". Like I said, easy.

Again, I'm not really an expert in poetry, but I think this piece would flow a lot better if you divided it into stanzas. You seem to shift in tone/mood a little bit between lines 16 and 17. This is my opinion, however, so feel free to disregard it, but maybe just try it out and see how you like it.

I can't wait to read more of your art!

-M




Teddybear says...


Thanks for this, I'll be working on reviewing some more of your work later on, but it may take a while as I prefer to keep things that I enjoy isolated to my good computer, which cannot connect to the wifi at my school, but since my lil sis now has a phone with a hotspot (thanks to my ex-step-dad who lacks common sense and favors DNA over all else) I may be able to send you it sooner than later. The weather is also clearing up, so I can walk to either of the two libraries near me or the coffee shops or something if I feel like it. (I'll just need an umbrella and some shoes I don't mind getting wet because there is just ALL the flooding outside right now)



User avatar
28 Reviews

Points: 39
Reviews: 28

Donate
Wed Mar 13, 2019 6:46 pm
averyismediocre wrote a review...



So, first of all, I absolutely love the idea of your poem. You described everything beautifully and I love your comparisons. The flow of your words could be a little better, if I'm being honest, however, it's something easily fixable. There were also a few small typos. You forgot the apostrophe in 'mind's eye," for instance. This is just something small though. Also, you had a really good rhyme scheme but forgot about it by the end. Try to be more consistent with it next time. That's all, really. Good job. I hope you continue to produce great work.

-Avery




Teddybear says...


Thank you, I'll try to keep these things in mind when I edit this and in future works.




Go and make interesting mistakes, make amazing mistakes, make glorious and fantastic mistakes. Break rules. Leave the world more interesting for your being here.
— Neil Gaiman