Published July 29, 2010
This is a perfect example of where you set out to write something, to put a thought in words, and it just turns into a completely different thing on its own. It just flowed out on its own. It's basically 3 1/3 haikus.
The Unsettled Lover
She gave me a smile.
and then we laughed and we loved.
Born is the mayfly.
A mayfly is crushed.
A noisome soul traded for
a thought soon to fade.
Its been awhile since
I’ve thought about those mayflies
I see all in one.
Then I feel all. I am lost.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
141,411 Literary Works • 674,390 Reviews
Hi,
Welcome to YWS! I hope you like it here.
I really like the form in the first two stanzas. It really compliments the content. I'd change the third line to "The mayfly is born" as the twisted syntax sounds forced and unnatural.
The second stanza is very effective and I like how the mayfly is carried over.
"Awhile" should be " a while". I'd change the third line to something more visual and either cut the last line completely or change it to something more visual and isolate it rather than tacking it on to the final stanza.
A very enjoyable read overall.
Hope this helps,
Jas
Hello there TheModernist and welcome to YWS!
Woow, I liked this a lot. First of all, this was very deep, the meaning as well. I liked the quirkiness of it too, and the creative way you put the poem.
This was good, good job and I'm definitely looking forward to seeing more from you,