Published August 6, 2011
The serene rigidity and straight edged silhouette of peaceful orderly life had been twisted into chaos after two weeks of bombing supposed to rid the area of the insurgency.
It was now up to the boots on the ground to go through living rooms, kitchens, and baths. A week of this had made his movements fluid and efficient. A head k-pot encased and a body kevlar clad proceeded machine-like room to room, and block to block. Every one the same: memories of the quiet human struggle lay in chaotic disarray. The glass of picture frames cracked beneath his feet.
---We’re doing this for them, right? For a way of life; freedom; democracy, Right? Helicopter blades and far-away gun fire stuttered candidly in the background.
Ghost like a girl appeared. A hair of pressure away from firing on reflex. In the wide eyes of the child were the eyes of the men shot dead and eyes differing only in the dust of poorly understood words and ideas grasped at with a spirit and faith no different then his own.
He proceeded to the next house leaving his boots at the door and walking in feet conscious of the shattered glass and painfully knowing that this was his brother’s house.
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140,206 Literary Works • 673,042 Reviews
I love this. the imagery is great. Although, It does seem like he's alone though, which is weird, since it violates rule 1 of combat. but other than that I absolutely loved it. Seemed to fit in with Brian Wood's DMZ a bit. I would love to read more!
(link http://images.wikia.com/marvel_dc/image ... DMZ_49.jpg)
This reminds me a little of Kafkaesence's 'shorter stories'. You may want to check them out. You did a really good job managing to get me hooked with such a short piece of writing and I'm left here wanting more! In general, I don't go for war fiction but your piece made me like it for a brief period of time. There were a couple of grammatical issues, mainly involving your use of commas but I'm sure they've all been pointed out.
Keep writing!
Okay, I love me some war fiction, so I'll critique this! Red is for corrections/suggestions!
The serene rigidity and straight edged silhouette of peaceful orderly life had been twisted into chaos after two weeks of bombing that was supposed to rid the area of the insurgency.
It was now up to the boots on the ground to go through living rooms, kitchens, and baths. A week of this had made his movements fluid and efficient. A head, k-pot encased, and a body, kevlar clad, proceeded machine-like room to room, and block to block. Every one the same: memories of the quiet human struggle lay in chaotic disarray. The glass of picture frames cracked beneath his feet.
---We’re doing this for them, right? For a way of life; freedom; democracy, Right? Helicopter blades and far-away gun fire stuttered candidly in the background.
Ghost like a girl appeared. A hair of pressure away from firing on reflex. In the wide eyes of the child were the eyes of the men shot dead and eyes differing only in the dust of poorly understood words and ideas grasped at with a spirit and faith no different then his own.
He proceeded to the next house leaving his boots at the door and walking in feet conscious of the shattered glass and painfully knowing that this was his brother’s house.
Absolutely love it. Everything about it. The ending sent shivers down my spine. I really love the way you explore the way in which soldiers sometimes don't always believe in their mission or their objective, but have to lull themselves in a sense of security to get the job done. The final line was brilliant and it garnered a lot of emotion from me, which is unusual so well done! Keep writing, and please expand upon this, because it is very good!
This is absolutely amazing! The emotions in it are so real and it perfetly summarizes the tragedies of war. It's like how we were "helping" in the Middle East. I wouldn't like the people "helping" me to bomb my house or to shoot at me. You captured the sadness of war, the loss of families, the hard job of a soldier that didn't realize what they were getting into. You have a real talent. Keep it up because I'd like to read more. Good job!
I didn't fully understand it (sorry
) But I did like bits and peices of it.
I especially liked these lines:
When you go to expand the story I would add in more of a description of why there was bombing and why. I also think you should explain the "boots on the ground" more.
Good job though!