Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for language, violence, and mature content.
Dear Diary,
Something really creepy happened today! We're not sure what caused it but when we woke up this morning, all of the phone lines were down, there was no internet signal and we couldn't get anything on the TV. We were all really scared to be honest. I know what it must be though, the government. Me and Lance have always said it, there is gonna be a day when the government no longer wants us.
The rest of the kids here, except Carson and my little sis of course, think we're crazy. But me and Lance aren't crazy, we just think differently to them. They like their fashion and their shopping and their sports, and we like surviving. You know what I mean, I've always written about how me and Lance have been looking at conspiracy threes and reading about survivalism online. And we're not that bad at it too. Lance has finished building a treehouse for the younger kids, you know, my sis and Billy. And that's because of that shelter making course we took on our camping trip.
But everyone else doesn't get it. I know what the popular argument going round is. You know, about this communication thing. They think that we've been forgotten. Mind you I can't blame them. We are care kids after all, or care teens being as only two of us are younger than thirteen. And you know how it is diary, you know how they say it, care kids kids are always forgotten. And I suppose they're right, we are always forgotten. But by the outside world, not by each other. We're a family, Me, my sis, Lance, Carson, Claire and everyone else in this place.
Except Jake. You remember Jake, right? Yeah that good for nothing long-haired pervert who has an unhealthy attraction to my room when no one is in there. Specifically near my wardrobe. But I know what that creep is after and he sure isn't getting it. Filthy bastard.
But yeah, communication is gone and Mrs Jonah is going to drive into town tomorrow, to find out what is going on. But for now we're gonna hold down the fort.
So I'm gonna leave you and eat my dinner, bye diary xx
Maxine Crayton 15/8/2013
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
REVIEW
This is great, but according to the description, they live in a time of terror. More specifically, a zombie apocalypse. There were no zombies in the story, nor did the girl show any sign of terror, even in her diary. You should also add more details in the story. While you did leave me wondering what was going to happen next, I didn't really have enough to go on. Besides the things that I mentioned, you did great! Keep writing!
"all the phone lines were down, there"
Howdy Meerkat! Welcome to YWS, I'll be here with your review today. Firstly, there should be a period after "down" in this line, just to separate the two different thoughts in the sentence.
"we were all really scared to be honest"
Couple things here, firstly if you've ever had a black out were you completely terrified? Fortunatly there are other things in life other than the internet and technology. So try to separate this from just the normal black out and what makes this scarier. Also, you should word this line as: "we were all terrified to be honest" just for the sake of flow.
"conspiracy threes"
Uh oh, bit ol' typo here. You mean "theories." Always go through your work before you post to catch these typos.
"And we're not that bad at it too"
For the sake of flow, try saying: "And we're not that bad at it either."
All and all a nice story, I'm interested to see where you'll go with this piece. Although be careful of putting so many short sentences right next to each other when you write, it makes your writing a little choppy sometimes. Other than my minor notes this was great writing, I hope to read more soon. Let me know if you ever need a review. Keep up the good work!
TuckEr EllsworTh
REVIEW TIME.
"theory"
i liked it but there was little fear based stuff. if things are going wrong make it go wrong. the diary in the future should be her letting out her fears so that she can cope with them in real life.
sorry just finished writing something. Im all horror info filled. I liked it in a teen/obliviousness/government/survival way
Yeah I noticed that typo, I'll correct it now. And as for how everything connects with fear, you will learn later on about why Maxine doesn't experience fear as a normal person would. As for the diary, that will only be around for the next two parts of the prologue, and then it will continued by the actual story. These chapters were designed to give a quick insight into Maxine's thoughts.