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by TheMarauderBandit


His tongue was tied,

perhaps with the seaweed

that would cling to my toes

when I waded in the deep waters.

Sand spread across his kitchen floor,

clastic rocks building in his brain.

My hand had gone to his,

to urge him to help me against

the pull of tide,

but he was as cold as the wind,

clouds billowing around his mind.

Unresponsive eyes were as blue as the shore

I had always so admired.

A shore I would never be able to see with my grandfather again.

The ocean suffocates me.

A heartbeat thuds in my ears like

the slap of grey waves pounding against rocks.

Tasteless water fills my lungs,

air spreads from my mouth

choppy and churning as though they’re the swells

during a storm.

Numbness rushes like an arrow

through my heart;

and I’ve been sitting on my soul for too long,

the radio static of

lack of blood consumes me.

There is anger burning my mind

until it is as red and irritated

as the skin of my back, scolded by the sun.

I vow to never visit the ocean again.

Poseidon swore against my grandfather that day,

had sent him down to the watery graves

of the deep ocean.

He lay in his coffin,

but his lungs strained for air

that was being replaced by water thicker than blood.

The saltiness scraped away his skin

until he was the twin of a skeleton,

propped up only by pillows

and living through a tube

hooked through his veins,

dead set on replacing blood,

with the sea,

to return him to his natural state of being.

Perhaps I allowed myself to be swallowed up by the sea

because I was born with saltwater

coursing through my veins.

The hospital is a lifeboat,

a flimsy, desperate vessel rocking with the wind;,

and the ground underneath me

creaks like old, dampened wood.

I feared that my mother’s tears

would flood the world,

and I would return to the wide span of

Pacific that strained to meet the blue sky,

where my life

had been sculpted together.

This time, if I returned,

there would be no anchor to keep me

from floating away,

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User avatar
34 Reviews

Points: 439
Reviews: 34

Thu Mar 24, 2016 6:50 pm
JediDeadpool wrote a review...

I meant to write a review for this a while ago, but I was too choked up with emotion at the time to be coherent. Looking back, the draft of the review I left was ridiculous.

So.. now that I can think, *drumroll* review 2.0!
First off, I agree with niteowl. Needs line breaks. Something to break it up a little.
I can't tell what exactly the poem is saying. I'm assuming that his grandfather died because of the sea, and he died AT sea, because he knew he was destined to so he didn't fight it.
This poem is very beautiful though, although it does need to be tightened up a little.
Besides that, I can' think of much else so Great job, and keep writing!

User avatar
1238 Reviews

Points: 35807
Reviews: 1238

Sun Mar 13, 2016 4:35 am
niteowl wrote a review...

Hi there TheMarauderBandit! Niteowl here to review this interesting piece.

Overall, this has a lot of beautiful imagery using the ocean to describe death and life. A couple things to look at.

1) Line breaks. I'm not sure the short lines are really helping this piece. Maybe a more paragraph-style "prose poem" would be more fitting. I also noticed that at least twice, you ended on insignificant words like "of". Generally, you want lines to end on powerful words because they're going to stick in the reader's mind more.

2) The structure of this piece could be improved. I know that sometimes the YWS Publishing Center does strange things to poetic formatting, so you might want to check out this article: How to Format Poetry.

I would organize this piece into either stanzas or paragraphs with each one representing a major idea. If you want some help with this, let me know.

Overall, this is beautiful and a tighter structure would make it even better. Keep writing! :D

Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful.
— Ann Landers