Indecisive Fate:
Chapter 1, Off his Rocker
A single teen stood in the gigantic tower. His pale white skin was blotched with grease marks from his arduous on the towers working. His thin hands were calloused from the machines cruel rebuke of his care. He wiped the back of his hand against his brow, brushing by his short, brown hair. Even though he was 17 years old, he was tired from the towers demanding work.
Another boy his age opened the door behind him. He turned his head to the entrance and smiled.
"Took you long enough." The teen said.
The boy didn't reply immediately, but instead walked over to a chair and sat down.
"Shall we begin Ivan, or do have to head off somewhere again?" The boy asked as he pulled a pen and notepad.
Ivan smirked in return and walked over to the chair opposite to the boy. He sat down and looked into the boy's eyes, sapphire blue meeting sapphire blue.
"I guess start by saying that if I wanted something I would usually get it." Ivan said to the boy. This prompted the boy to raise an eyebrow at the teen.
"Truth, Spessemper, and only the truth." the boy said.
Ivan cleared his throat before beginning. It was going to long while.
"I learned very quickly however, that I wouldn't get what I wanted. Fate and Destiny are our way of rationalizing what we have little to no control over. But only we can choose what path we take. I’m sorry I didn't learn this earlier…"
It started last year, on October, 21, 2013
It was a rainy day in Aiviota town, an unusual name for an unusual place. It was known as the ‘place where time began’ because this place has a famous clock tower that was built before the town even existed, or so the legend goes. Ivan was the only one who cared about said towers condition. It was no secret that Ivan had become obsessed with tower since he first set foot inside of it not too long ago. Many thought of him as the towns own Quasimodo, always caring for the bell tower at the edge of town. It was this very tower that Denarius or Dan was trying to get into and take an ‘artifact’ from.
Dan was about a year older than Ivan and only 7 inches taller, with dark brown colored hair that spiked backwards. His Hispanic skin was glistening from sweat and rain even though he had a hooded jacket on, his hazel eyes staring intently at the tower. It was baffling to people why the sports club had made their initiation to acquire an object from the clock tower or the House of the Fates as it was called. Denarius wasn't about to let some smart kid to stand between him and sports club. Yet here he was, staring at the New York skyscraper sized tower that chimed every hour and half-hour from some unknown source.
“Hmph.” Dan scoffed.
He knew what- no, who was causing it to function. He approached the double door to the tower. He found that the door was… steel? “What do we have here?” he murmured as he examined the door. Stainless steel doors that would remain closed if locked properly, which it was. He sighed at the doors inability to open. He was about to go home to get a tool or something when he noticed the plaque to the doors left. It was, unlike its neighbor, old and worn down.
‘“May all who enter find sanctum in the Hands of Time?”’ Dan read.
He was confused as anybody would at the sight of such a cryptic message. After reading the message he heard the sound of a key being turned and...boards sliding? He turned to the door to find that it was cracked open slightly.
“OK.” He said with his deep yet young voice.
He stepped towards the door and examined it. No obvious mechanisms or anything of the sort. He slowly opened the door to the famed House of Fate. He immediately saw a whole TON of gears and cogs and pipes taking up most of the space inside. He inched in further to find there was more space than he initially thought. An entire workshop of tables and papers were scattered around the place. Stacks of paper filled entire tables and chairs around the work place. He saw that the few free ones had instruments or what resembled instruments on the tables with free space that had, you guessed it, more paper.
He was shocked at the space that could be occupied by this one person. He had to be quick if he was to-.
“Hello there!” He heard from above.
He jumped as he looked up to see a boy his about age working on some of the mechanisms (he didn't know) of the tower.
“What brings you here? Not another sports guy now are we?” the keeper asked.
“Uh, n-no I’m not a, uh, sports guy.” Dan lied.
The keeper smiled. ‘This will be amusing.’ he thought.
“Well then what are you, because only crazy or ‘superstitious’ people and jocks come here.” The keeper inquired.
Dan needed to distract this guy long enough to get his hands on a paper or something.
“I’m doing a school project on the tower.” Dan replied quickly.It was the only thing he could think of under the pressure.
“Well I guess I could work you in…” The keeper said with mock thoughtfulness.
They sat there for a few minutes in unbearable silence as the teen swung on his support. “Okay, I’ll let you in on what I’ve learned.” He said finally.
Dan sighed. ‘Alright now to distract him from me.’ Dan walked over to a random desk and saw a song sheet that he thought was neat. At least it looked neat.
“Like it?” the keeper asked as he walked up from behind the unsuspecting Dan.
Dan yelled in surprise at this sudden appearance of the teen. “Would you quit-.” Dan shouted before being cut off by a thin greasy finger.
“Its name is Oracion.” The keeper stated. “It’s been modified to fit the tower once it’s done.”
Dan looked at him quizzically. “Oracion?”
“Yes, it means ‘prayer’.” The keeper replied.
‘Perfect.’ thought Dan. It would do if he could just-
“DON’T EVEN THINK ABOUT TAKING IT!!” Dan heard the teen shriek.‘What is this kid psychic?’ Dan thought while rubbing his ear.
“Ouch.” Dan whined.
“It better hurt.” The keeper grumbled at Dan.
“Okay just who do you think you are, huh?” he yelled.
The keeper turned on his heels. Dan had not paid attention earlier to the keepers outfit. He had a magenta vest on over top of indigo button-up shirt and his jeans were same color as his shirt only lighter.
“I am Ivan Spessemper the keeper of the Hands of Time and a proud intellect of this town, the same town that I have kept on time since the day I set foot in this place so now tell me, WHERE do you people get off making me out to be some sort of freak!?” Ivan shouted.
Dan stood with his mouth agape. He had no real answer to that question. No one did. He had only heard that the rumors had originated in the school nothing else.
Ivan walked over to a desk with some stacks of paper on it and pulled a stack off of it. He walked over and shoved into my hands and yelled “Here take it.” Then he walked over to those instruments on the tables and started examining them.
Dan took that as his signal to leave pronto. He ran out of the House of Fate and through the wet ring semi-ring of trees that separated the tower from the town. He thought that he was lucky to have made out of there unscathed. He had heard and seen guys come with cuts and bruises screaming their heads off while either waving their hands or clutching their ill gotten prize.
Meanwhile Ivan loomed over the table he had walked over to only moments ago and started chuckling, which turned into giggling, then laughing, and finally cackling.
“I've done it again!” exclaimed the enthralled clock tower keeper.
He had just used those fools to deliver his latest song to school and eventually other schools! “Soon I shall have all I need!” he declared to the top of his lungs as he continued to laugh at his near flawless charade. He would soon have the money he needed to complete the tower, and then all of his songs would play throughout the town. Just as he had planned, all that time before.
Dan heard the near insane laughter of Ivan. He was fearful now, of what person would do to him. He ran to the streets of Aionios Vita, hoping for safety from Ivan but he would find that Ivan, like him would be set to change everything the towns’ people and everyone else know about reality.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,007 Literary Works • 672,815 Reviews
READ THE PROLOGUE PEOPLE!
READ THE PROLOGUE THEN COMMENT ELSEWISE, SHUT UP!
I'm not exactly following this. It seems to be almost too strait forward and fast moving. You could go into a little deeper detail about the setting of the story, for I was having some difficulty seeing this place. Also, you could make your characters a little more background. Why does Ivan care so deeply for the tower? Are there other people who care for the tower? The overall idea seems good, but you really should work on you storyline.
Your introduction is a little too straight forward. The voice you put into it of the main character was good, but it tells too much instead of "showing". You describe every little detail about him bu just telling the reader instead of showing. Using imagery to drop little hints here and there about what he looks like and who he is. Your transition to getting to the story though was outright brilliant! I didn't even really notice the change all that much.
I must say that I absolutely loved this line. It gives an insight that's deep and still shows the main character in it. Great job with that!Your sentences have a very strange flow to them. Sometimes you use words that could work, but aren't used to describe something. Like Hispanic skin, I can imagine it, but that word isn't normally used in that sense. That's only one example though. There are also other times when you just make your sentences a little too long and don't use commas when you could. To help with flow my suggestion would be to read this aloud, then punctuate it how you read it.
As for your grammar there were some forgotten words and apostrophes. You know to proofread, but if you ever feel lazy or you don't want to read it again and again just find someone else to do it for you. There were also some times when you capitalized common nouns such as stainless steel. It's not the name of a company or anything of the like so it doesn't need capitalized. If you're ever unsure just ask someone.
I felt that I should bring to your attention all the times you used he to start off a sentence. After a while the reader starts to notice and it sets off the flow of things. It may seem hard to find synonyms for he so just play around with the sentence structure a bit.
Your dialogue is pretty good. It flows very smoothly, but what follows it could use a little tweaking. Sometimes you describe the voice of the person who's talking, but when you do that your descriptions are always vague. To have a "deep yet young" voice doesn't really tell you what it sounds like. To help with that you can always turn to similes and metaphors. Figurative language is wonderful and often leads to some beautiful imagery. Also on capitalization, if the quote ends in a period, exclamation point or question mark then what follows in capitalized, in the quote or not.
Spelling, watch out for homophones. You used the wrong heels when you said the keeper spun on his heels. There is "heal", like to mend a wound, and "heel" as in your foot. Again, this is where another proofreader would come in handy ^_^
The way you ended this was certainly interesting! It leaves the reader wondering just what exactly you mean and how things will change. I'm not quite sure how this ties in with your prologue, but I'm sure far later in the story I'll be able to see what you do. I loos forward to it!
Sushi
It was first chapter I ever wrote so I never put much thought into it.
The chapter's I 'm working on are much better in descriptive aspects so yeah thanks.
Ch. 2 will be reviewed by, yes, me! :3
To start off, let's check this out:
Starting with that is not very mature. Perhaps starting it differently like, "Hey, Ivan!" would be much better. Also, starting with first person then ending it in third doesn't make much sense. Stick to one.
Alright. This is a problem. Rather than spending your precious time writing an entire rather boring paragraph on Ivan, the chapter should slowly recognize him. Here's an example:
This already introduces the story, along with showing her hair color. Then, you continue writing more about her, little by little.
Don't put it in first person, then in second person, like I already said.
Although, this also helps:
Even with this, it still doesn't seem like this could be much of a difference if you put that there for no real reason. Instead, if you really want to add the date, like the character, go bit by bit.
And so on.
I also see a few spelling or grammar mistakes that, to be honest, aren't really that important. If you read it over yourself, you might just catch them.
SEE? SEEEEE? SEEEEE THIS? This is what I mean. In any case, I don't think Ivan is aware that he was writing about himself, or anyone for that matter. This is a novel. A novel has its own world, and it is inside a book or post for this current moment. That means that Ivan shouldn't be writing about himself. It's kind of odd anyway for him to be writing that as a journal or diary entry, so keep that in mind.
Okay, okay. Let me settle down here. *breathes in and out* "open if locked properly".
WHAT? PLEASE CHOOSE A SIDE!!
I wasn't being rude. The point is that I believe it should be "closed" if locked properly based on the rest of the paragraph.
It seems sort of cliché. It made me cringe, so it's bad enough. I recommend changing it to-
For a quick moment, nothing happened until he heard a clicking sound from the door, then a sliding noise.
That sounds better.
The rest is good. Just here and there, maybe some more information? The chapter also keeps switching back and forth from Ivan to Dan to Ivan to Dan.
Confusion here?
I would rate this a good 8 1/2 out of 10. It's not horrifically bad either, so yeah, gives a huge boost.
Keep writing!
~Kitty
I will take this in to consideration but please I need you to understand this much...Ivan is not writing this! Someone else is! And not to forget...this is the first chapter and is widely not been modified all that much so yeah.
Another thing to note, Ivan is telling the writer the details that he knows. Which leads to some conjecture, very accurate conjecture, but conjecture nontheless
Ok, Andy here. Ill start by going through the "English Teacher" questions. First, you start a new line every time you speak. For example:
Joe ran through the streets of the deserted city, his heart beating wildly in his chest. The Reaper was close behind him, and to meet the Reaper was a date with death himself. "Jill, where are you?" He whispered to the rubble of a once great city.
That would be INCORRECT. You should say:
Joe ran through the streets of the deserted city, his heart beating wildly in his chest. The Reaper was close behind him, and to meet the Reaper was a date with death himself.
"Jill, where are you?" He whispered to the rubble of a once great city.
The only other thing I think you might want to fix is your story moved really fast. I think you should slow it down a little, and look over your wording. Maybe add a few things ect. Aside from that, you had a catching storyline, and I will definatly look at your next chapter when its up! (Leave a message on SOF)
Its good to see more writers my age. Keep on pushing, and never give up! Andy out