Published October 30, 2011
No trust or honour,
No rule of thumb;
One man’s conquest
An others fun.
Meaningless nights
They wither away.
My troubled soul
No place to stay.
I offer my heart,
But he won’t take it.
We are worlds apart;
One night is all he makes it.
Searching for affection,
But I always come short
Dreaming of perfection;
When my love is bought.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
141,299 Literary Works • 674,335 Reviews
Helluee you!
I'm Demoness and I've come to inflict my opinion on this piece of yours!
So, mainly I thought this was a good piece, it had a good rythm, nice rhyming scheme and good structure. It was easily read, it flowed very well and I think you delivered your message in a good way.
Though I also thought is was a little plain, there aren't many flaws I can directly point out because for what it is it is really good but I feel like it could be more. This piece has got potential but it's written with a poor amount of words and I feel like not everything is said... like every line could be further explored.
My suggestion; Spice it up a bit, involve more emotion - express what this girl is feeling and maybe go further into these two persons relationship, whatever it may be and how short it may have lasted. You don't need to directly say anything but I think it would be more interesting if you involved a little more concretes and emotions in this piece.
I love the main idea and you have a great story to tell - but you could say so much more xD
Oh, almost forgot. I will give this piece 3/5 icky, sticky spiders as an overall opinion but I really think this piece has got the potential to get five, and you seem to have good skills in writing so yaah! xD
Hope I could Be of Help!
Good Luck & Keep Writing
// Demoness
My completely honest opinion? This poem is okay- not one of the best ones I've read, but not too bad either. I think I prefer the beginning, to be honest, as the ending stanza loses the effect a little bit. I did enjoy reading this, but I think it could be better. It seems that a little bit of it comes across as almost abrupt, but that's quite likely just my opinion.
There are a few things, however, that I would change.
Another's fun.
I'm not much good when it comes to poetry so it's hard to offer good advice- but maybe the poem would flow a little better if you used some punctuation?
Also, I think the rhyming scheme might have prevented the poem from going quite the way you wanted it to go. This is more obvious in the last stanza:
I get the feeling that this is just slightly unnatural, especially the word "bought" and to be honest, I don't like it much. The lines, too, sound quite abrupt in this stanza.
Here are my suggestions, mainly for punctuation:
I just think that it would flow a little better with some punctuation. Another suggestion I have is to try and change the last two lines- they are the only part of the poem I have a real problem with. Maybe you could try and think of some alternatives?
I hope you don't think I'm being too harsh; this is just my way of honestly telling you how I think you could improve this.
~MorningMist~
For some reason when I read this it makes me think of a one night stand and a week later the girl finds out she is pregnet and the guy doesn't want anything to do with her. I think its really good keep writing I would love to read more!