Published August 31, 2008
When all might fail
and Mountains crumble,
when Tyrants fall
and Hillsides tumble,
Where might you wish
you had been that night,
but
A quiet evening in the rain?
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141,408 Literary Works • 674,390 Reviews
Yeah, I'm with Azila on this one.
I love short, brief poems like this and applaud the amount of emotion you managed to pack into a few lines. However, as Azila has said, your attempt to rhyme "fall" and "fail" doesn't work, unless your scheme is ABCB. Make your intentions clearer; if you're going with ABCB, choose a word other than "fall" and "fail".
Also as others have commented, the "but" seems somewhat unnecessary - get rid of it!
Your poem doesn't suffer from my usual nitpicks of "telling, not showing" which is excellent to see! Keep up the good work. 9/10
I just thought I'd let you know that I really enjoyed this poem.
It is short and to the point, easy to read and has a good rhythm.
Keep up the good work!
It has so nice meaning and very simple
well done
Hmm... I like the idea of this poem. It's simple, elegant, and thought-provoking in an almost nostalgic way. But in some places the rhythm kind of bothered me. Because it's so short, AND because you've decided to rhyme it, you need to make sure the rhythm is steady, methinks.
I don't like the "fail" then "fall." Because they sound so similar, it seems like you're trying to rhyme them...The first part was very even in rhythm, but this part seems a bit more free-form. Why doesn't this part rhyme with the last bit at all? It might just be me, and my lack of knowledge about poetry, but this seems a little strange. Also, the tense is a odd: the first part is in the future, but then the second part is in the past...
Overall, I like the feeling of it. So short, so sweet, so innocent...
Please PM me if I was unclear about anything!
Hope this helps.
~Azila~
Hooray for short poems!
I love the amount of emotion that you've crammed into such a small amount of lines and you created a nice flow that works well with the theme that you were going for. I loved the first four lines too, and I think you used jut the right amount of syllables to make it work, just so.
I think you need to skip the lines that says "but" and fit it into the structure of the first four, with the rhythm and rhyme, because it kind of doesnt work well with the end of the poem.
Happy writing!
i really like this, it was straight to the point and didnt drag on unnecesarily. the rhyming is great and therefore unforced and succesful.
it has a good rhythm and is well structured. keep up the good work
This is really good. Its simple and poignant which I guess is what you were going for. The rhythm is nice and the rhyme doesn't sound forced or cheesy in any way so well done.
I'm not entirely sure about the capitals on Mountains, Hillsides and Tyrants though, and I think you need to take another look at the last section. "where might you wish..." needs a question mark at the end I think.