The light to fade
The cold cruel malace
A long tributer
Alas the veil
And upon himself he said,
"And now, the debt to pay
Along the shores of Grey
To give and not to let
Before we long to frey."
A smile to whither
A light to end
Yet another life no more
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Canary word: Present
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Hey there, TI! Here by request
Do you want the reader to read the first lines like "The-light-to-fade-the-cold-cruel-malace" or like "The light to fade, the cold cruel malace"? (Which, by the way, is spelt malice, at least I believe that's what you meant.) Think of it. Read the poem out loud and find good places for commas and points.
I actually thought this was pretty good. There are two main problems:
1) Punctuation
You know, commas, points, colons etc. They basically didn't exist in this poem (except in the piece of dialogue). The good thing about punctuation (well, one of them) is that when you use them, the reader will know where to stop and where to catch breath. Most people do it probably in the end of a line, but some punctuation would help it. Plus the fact that it looks good.
2) Structure
There are only two stanzas in this, and they aren't equal. I don't mean they always have to be, but it does get a little strange when the second stanza is twice as long as the first one. Also, there's a little hint of rhyming in the second one; why doesn't the whole poem rhyme?
Could you maybe expand the poem by writing one, maybe two more stanzas? I think it would work miracles!
Hmm. "A long tributer" sounds somewhat odd. Did you mean "tribute"? Or am I just being ignorant? (Wouldn't be the first time.)
So, overall, I like this poem. I like how "the light" theme starts the poem and then kind of ends it, too. Your wordings are nice, and like I said, a little punctuation would be great. Just edit a little (and expand?) and you have a great piece!
See you around!
Demeter xxx