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Indecision

by TheHatter


Lo, the sun has set once more.

A reminder, our paths are not always clear.

The dark is shrewd and it clouds your vision.

You're lost, where do you go?

                                                          

Right or left?

You're tearing apart.

This or that?

What's right, and what's wrong?

                                                

Close your eyes,

and open your heart.

Let it be your light in the dark.

For it shall grant you the strength,

to once again open your eyes.

And see before you,

a brand new path.


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1080 Reviews


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Sat Oct 08, 2016 8:46 pm
Kaylaa wrote a review...



This is Kaos here for a review!


Lo, the sun has set once more.

A reminder, our paths are not always clear.

The dark is shrewd and it clouds your vision.

You're lost, where do you go?


I don't really know what the "Lo" added or if it was a person name or not, but it didn't really need to be in the first line for me. This first stanza was a little broad for me, because it didn't really have details that stood out or anything like that. You talk about paths not always being clear here and the dark clouding your vision, but you don't go into depth about it. Some details that you could add is feeling your way through the darkness or something about the paths not being clear. Why are the paths not clear? Do they intertwine? Are there any paths at all? Give us more than just bluntly giving us the theme, I already knew the theme out of the first stanza which was "sometimes you can get lost but you can find yourself", so I didn't really see the point of trying to think about how I interpret it because there's nothing that's really thought-provoking here for me.

Right or left?

You're tearing apart.

This or that?

What's right, and what's wrong?


I suggest to mix it up with the punctuation because the total of this stanza is just three questions. Another thing I wanted to mention is that this poem is using what seems to be the general "you" which often gets annoying if you use it too much and I kind of thought this poem would be better if you just wrote it with less of that, or without it. The "left or right" wordplay is often done and I don't really see how you added to it here or transformed it into your own thing. If you're going to use something like that, a line that someone else created, you should transform it into your own thing, expanding on it is even better than just not doing anything to it. The last stanza didn't include commas or semicolons or anything like that, and not using those hurts the flow of the poem, or, avoiding them.

Close your eyes,

and open your heart.

Let it be your light in the dark.

For it shall grant you the strength,

to once again open your eyes.

And see before you,

a brand new path.


The first two lines are general. What does closing your eyes and opening your heart do? Tell us more than just that. You make this a light and dark scenario, which disappoints me because nothing is light and dark and it doesn't really happen like this and it just feels melodramatic in my opinion. How will closing your eyes and opening your heart give you strength? The last two lines didn't really do anything for me either, why is the path new just because you opened your eyes? Maybe instead of this, have it so the "you" sees a path that was there before but didn't notice.

There wasn't any sort of interesting or really /any/ imagery in this poem and it was more of a skeleton to me without the flesh. Imagery is the flesh of the poem. Built it and add it onto your skeleton of a poem. There are so many different things that you could do with the imagery, too. Maybe opening your heart actually has to do with human anatomy or dissecting your heart, for example. Maybe there wasn't any new path made and instead the "you" notices an existing path. Or /maybe/ there isn't any noticing or new paths and the "you" has to end up picking one of the paths that was already there because that's probably how it actually works. It's like a doctor telling someone they healed someone with a miracle when they actually just gave the person prescription medicine.

I hope I helped and have a great day!




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Sat Oct 08, 2016 7:48 pm
Justlittleoleme2 wrote a review...



This is a very solid bit of writing.

I enjoyed the message very much. It was communicated clearly, and was well crafted.

I can't find any grammar mistakes, although some schools of poetry grammar would say the first letter of every line should be capitalized. That's of course up to you.

If it were my poem I would try and strike up a rhyme scheme, but that is simply because I like poems to be lyrical. Seeing that it is your poem, and not mine, I wouldn't touch a hair on it's head, lest the message be disfigured in any way.

I very much enjoyed seeing this,

Good Job.





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