An edited version -
In the land of the forsaken,
You walk with honest belief in your heart.
No one to seek,
Because of the blood in their hands.
Once was a Heaven,
Now this land is forbidden.
Why is there destruction?
Because there is no faith, only anger.
Time is running out for all,
And the Lucifer is grinning from Hell.
In chains and shackles we will be taken,
For once and for all.
The shallow noise of the children,
Playing in the sand was your vision.
"This soon?" you ask.
The question echoes and hits the wall.
Running like a sinner,
You want to get away from the Reaper.
You whisper to little angels on your shoulders,
To forgive and to forget.
But little did you know,
You weren't a sinner,
But a messenger to the humans.
To convey a simple message of redemption.
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Canary word: Present
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,855 Reviews
TheGuiltyOne! Hai, haaaii, haaaaaaaaaaiiii! x)
It's been in my process of contemplation for far too many days now to review your stuff but sometimes you just can't help getting caught up, can you? .--.
I see you're more into poetry than any other forms of writing themselves and I'm glad you're willing to master one at a time. Your poems, sir, are powerful. "Thought provoking" -- as Mr. Iqbal once said. They have much to convey, should I rather say, you have much to convey, much to say, much to stir something in oneself for a fleeting moment. Also, your visuals, the scenarios, add to be just as great.
I liked this stuff.
Or maybe it's just that I had metal on while reading it.Naah, this is good. Metal, though, made it all the more sinister, I'm not going to give that to you.I have some teeny tiny problems, though. See sometimes, the story behind your piece, the implicature, feels to be vague. Take this piece, for an instance. It's apocalypse. There's destruction. Consequences of people's actions. And this dude is watching it from a point. But who is he really? A messenger who went down the wrong road? Is he guilty he couldn't bring his people to righteousness? Or is it because of him there's war?
Secondly, since this piece is apocalyptic, I think it needs a bit more visualization, a bit more emotion, a bit more angst and morbidity, I suppose?
But there's another problem right there. I found that emotions don't flow too well in your stuff. And bro, to make people actually feel something, you need fluent descriptions. You could use similes to make that better, helps a lot. Thought process is excellent, yes, but to bring that out on paper is a challenge.
Also, I'll suggest you look up different forms and genres of poetry, like how poems really work and stuff. Learn and practice, practice, practice. You're a poet in making. <3
Happy writing, mate.
You're amazing.
<3
Hey TheGuiltyOne! I'm here to review your poem!
Your poem was really good and I liked the flow. But, you had a lot of grammatical errors.
So, in the first line you need to add "the" because when you say "foresaken" you always add "the" before it. And in the second line, you should say "belief". Belief is a feeling, "believe" is a verb. And I'm pretty sure you were talking about the feeling.
"To" is unnecessary here. Unless you meant "speak" instead of "seek", in which case you would have "to" over there.
Overall, your poem was very good. I enjoyed reading it and I actually understood what you were trying to say. But I think "belief" has been used twice in the same stanza and I suggest you replace one of them with something else. Like hope, maybe? Besides that, very good poem! I liked it a lot!
~HPR apologizes if she was too harsh~