Okay, I redid the prologue so that it is in third person. I'm hoping that it will be a little more enjoyable than the last version, and that I am getting the right tone across.
Please don't be afraid to tell me where you stopped reading and why, I would love that.
Thanks, Evil.
_____
The hall could barely contain the thousands of people who were jammed inside to hear the tribute.
They were clothed in formal suits and silently faced the back of the room where thirty-six pictures had been tacked to a wall above a high stage. Each photo depicted a different person, and was large enough for everyone to see.
Nobody wanted to break the heavy silence. They watched the pictures with sombre expressions, unable to say a word.
Several minutes went by until the first noise was made.
A frail woman with white hair tied up in a bun carefully stepped onto the stage in front of them. Everyone’s attention turned to the woman as she made her way to the end of the stage where a microphone had been prepared for her to make a speech. She took a moment to gather her thoughts, and then addressed the crowd in a clear voice.
“We are here today to commemorate the lives of thirty-six people. The tragedy which occurred during the early hours of yesterday morning will become a sad part of our history, and we will often look back on the horror we are experiencing with a solemn heart. Right now, however, we remain confused, frightened, and unable to comprehend the implications of this incident.
“The thirty-six people who lost their lives were talented scientists who worked together to examine our planet, Lokas. To some, their profession may have seemed tedious and unrewarding. That is untrue. The people we are here to honour today were both heroic and noble, and worked to provide humankind with the greatest gift imaginable.
"A second chance.
"Earth has become overpopulated, and as a result, food, wildlife and medical supplies have grown scarce. There is little space left to build, and the forever increasing amounts of homeless civilians jealously fight each other for places to live. Violence has become their second nature.
“However, thirteen years ago, this new planet was discovered, and the inhabitants of Earth were immediately filled with hope. Not only did we find a planet that is an idyllic environment for humans to live, we have been given a wonderful opportunity to start again. Our future on Earth was bleak, but now we have the chance to set everything right, wipe the slate clean and begin new lives on a planet that has not been annihilated by the greedy nature of humans.
“That is the extraordinary gift the scientists wanted to give humankind. They gave up their lives on Earth to study this planet and determine that it can provide humans with a safe and beneficial environment. Sadly, they did not get to complete their work, but nevertheless, they will forever be remembered as heroes.”
The crowd applauded in agreement. Tears welled in each person’s eyes before streaming down their faces. After they stopped clapping, they wiped them away in unison.
“I would like to say one more thing.” The woman added, staring down at the crowd with a touch of pride in her eyes. “You are all just as heroic as the thirty-six people who died yesterday. One day, we will announce to Earth that this planet is ready for them to use, and they will get their second chance. Your remarkable work will always be remembered. Thank you.”
The crowd applauded once more as the woman stepped off the stage.
That was when it happened. A blaring siren wailed throughout the hall, piercing everyone’s ears and causing them to jump in shock. Their sad expressions instantly turned to surprise and fear as they scanned the room, searching for a sign that would explain why the alarm had been sounded.
The entrance doors burst open. A panic-stricken man with spiky blond hair rushed inside.
It took him several minutes to fight his way through the crowd and reach the stage, but once he did, he bounded on top of it and took the microphone in both of his hands.
“It’s a virus!” He screamed, pointing up at the pictures of the thirty-six scientists for emphasis. “They were infected by a deadly virus, and it’s highly contagious! We have nine more deaths up in the labs! A group of scientists were examining the bodies when they caught the virus too! They’re all dead!
Seconds later, all hell had broken loose inside the hall. Everyone was screaming and shouting, their eyes wide as the impact of what the man had said began to sink in.
The horror had only just begun.
_____
And that's my first chapter. Or I suppose it would be better as a prologue, because it's set a few years before the next scene . . . whatever.
Don't worry about giving me harsh criticism, I have no feelings so you can't hurt them xD Okay, I have feelings, but you still can't hurt them. I haven't had a whole lot of experience writing. I have only finished a few short stories before, so I decided to work on this. I know a lot of you have written full novels, so here is your chance to help me become as great as you! Wouldn't that be nice, hmm?
Also, you guys are the first people to read this. My family and friends don't care. Haha.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Well I was beaten to review the improvements but I still wanted to comment because I absolutely loved what you've done with this! You've made some excellent changes to your story, so much so that I've fallen in love with it. Your plot is intriguing, your character's are believable and I'm so excited to read more.
Well done, Evil - Lol, I'm glad you like the name!
*coco
Thanks Angel, I found your comments most helpful, and I will use them when I go back to edit. In the future I will try to be more consistent when describing their emotions and making sure they match the dialog perfectly. Just to clarify, Darren was not happy about seeing the captain. When I said about the good news, it was supposed to be read in a sarcastic tone. Perhaps I should just say bad news to avoid confusion. Also, Jase is rude to everyone, that's just the way he is. xD Thanks again!
I was wondering if anyone would notice that. I did indeed incorporate the planet's history into the story like that on purpose. I didn't want it to seem like infodumping. xD Also, don't worry about the length of your review, I am just glad you commented! I will be sure to pm you once I have posted more.
Thanks for reading,
Evil
O.K .. one word! amazing! ...i really like this. And for someone who doesn't have alot of experience writing your doing a fantastic job!!! seriously.! i love your use of details , which i have to admit, i myself am not too good at. i can invision the scene ... I love it how you explained the whole i guess "history" of the new plant without actually just telling it, you incorporated it into the story. I'm not sure if you did it on purpose or not but well hey you did a great job.
)
.... Sorry i know my review isn't wicked long like many of the ones before mine but i just can't really find anything to say except I REALLY LOVE THIS .!
.... Keep me posted when you add new chapters -imaginemymind (p.s my friends and family don't really read my work either
All in all,
Ha that last sentence was funny. I like Jase more than I thought I would. Anyway, I saw the post you wrote about the boys' back story so I won't mention it. But maybe you should subtly mention in here that they have some sort of backstory. I don't really have much to say besides what's up there.^ Oh I remember what I was going to say. The boys' emotions don't match up to what they're saying, how you portray them, or even how they felt earlier. If I were you, I would definitely re-read so that you can see the discrepencees that I'm talking about
PM me if you have any questions. Keep writing!
Always,
~Danie
Thanks for your great review, it helped a lot! I want to talk to you about why I didn't give any information concerning Darren's and Jase's back stories. I have a scene coming up soon which requires an explanation of Darren's back story, so I will explain a lot more detail then. The reason I didn't explain sooner was because I didn't want to confuse everyone with too much information right away. I see what you mean though, I haven't really given them much purpose or a reason for being there. How about I go back and give a little more information? It might leave my readers less confused until they reach the scene that's coming soon. Would that be okay?
Evil
PS -- I would give the points back and then earn more and give you them too. ^_^
Heya
Here to review as requested. You've had plenty of reviews on the prologue, so I'm going to review the first chapter for you. Once thing though, next time you want a chapter to be reviewed, don't post it in the same thread as the previous chapters. Post it as a new thread. If you do that, you'll get loads more reviews!
I liked this line. You described your character nicely, in my opinion.
You don't really need the comma in this sentence.
You seem to think that you always need a comma before the word with, which is untrue. Keep that in mind.
Haha! So he should!
Technically, this didn't make sense. In a way, I suppose it does because of what you said previously. I would consider taking this part out though, to be honest. It's not really needed.
You don't really need the first comma here.
This was a good ending sentence.
Overall
I thought that this was actually pretty good! I have to admit, it's not really the kind of story that I would normally read, but I liked this. It is definitely clear that you are a good writer. You had some very vivid descriptions in this and the flow of the story itself was really nice. There wasn't any awkward phrasing and it was easy for me to read. I'm a rather simple person, so that's good! Your grammar was very good and your spelling was flawless. It was as far as I could tell. Your vocabulary was actually also good and varied. That's not something I often notice. The fact that I noticed it in this piece is a good thing, I guess!
My main critique is the fact that, at times, I found this a tad bit confusing. I did read the prologue, by the way. It didn't really help much with the first chapter though. Before you shoot into all of the action, it is always a good idea to let us readers get to know your characters a bit. Both their personalities and their backgrounds. I don't want you to literally tell us your characters life stories, that would just be annoying. I do feel as though you need to tell us a bit more about them though. Simply because when we know more about the characters, we can emphasize with them and feel connected to them. That is always a very important factor. Your characters are what make the story, if you ask me. You've actually portrayed your characters personalities pretty well, especially Jase's. It's their backgrounds I'd like to know more about.
As for the whole confusing thing, it's definitely partly because I don't really know your characters as well as I'd like to. Believe it or not, this can cause confusion sometimes. It does for me, anyway. Although this is true for me, what confuses me the most is some of the details. To be honest, we don't really know what is going. To begin with, where is your story even set? On earth? In space? I'm not sure. It has a sci-fi feel to it so my mind is edging on space. I can't be certain though.
Like I said before, you clearly do have potential. I am definitely very impressed with your use of vocabulary and your grammar and spelling was very good. All that you need to do, in my opinion, is let us readers know more about your characters and about what is going on exactly. You've used description very well, you just need to describe your characters backgrounds a bit more!
Keep writing!
xoxo Rhian
P.S Don't worry, you don't need to give me any points. You said that you would when you posted in my WRFF thread. If you do send me points, I'll send them back. Plus, with another 5000 points.
All in all,
I like the idea even though it's really not the most original. The whole end of the world by virus is kinda worn out. But the good thing about that is that you can twist it up and change it so it becomes a brilliant idea once more. I really like your style of writing. ITs very simple-but in a good way-and its grabbing. Although your sentence length makes the reading seem a bit tedious. And having the sentences that I call listy-since they remind me of a shopiing list. For example: I need milk, eggs, coconut, and grape soda to make dinner. Jeez that was a really stupid sentence but you get my point. I wanna read more, I really do. Drop me a request in my WRFF thread when you post more.
PM me if you have any questions! Keep writing.
Always,
~Danie
Hello ^_^
Any criticism is much appreciated!
Evil
_____
Chapter One
(four years later)
The loud buzz jolted Darren awake.
He sat up in alarm, his ears pricked and the hair on the back of his neck on end. The sharp sound had been quick and insistent, stopping before he was conscious enough to work out what it was.
Dazed, He shook his head from side to side and pushed away the auburn locks of hair that had fallen in front of his marble green eyes.
The buzz sounded again from just outside his bedroom, immediately explaining the mystery of what had woken him. Somebody was at the door. He had always disliked the annoying racket the door buzzer caused, and the way in which it made the metal door vibrate just as loud.
Grumbling an incoherent string of swearwords and flinching as his bare feet hit the cold, tiled floor, Darren got out of bed and took a shaky step forward, almost tripping over a pair of boots. His room was closet-sized, with a low ceiling and a narrow strip of walking space.
Attached to the wall beside the door was a small keypad with two buttons. He poked the top button and watched the door slide open with a sour expression.
“Good morning,” a black-haired man greeted him falsely, sounding as if he wished Darren anything but a good morning. The man was tall, with dark features that contrasted horribly with his ghostly pale skin. He was wearing black cargo pants, with a matching t-shirt and hiking boots.
“What do you want?” Darren sighed, pulling a tangle of garments from under his bed and donning a shirt identical to the one the man was wearing. He also pulled a pair of cargos over the shorts he had slept in before straightening up and staring at the man expectantly.
“The captain would like to see you in the control room in ten minutes,” the man ordered, rolling his eyes as he pulled his gaze away from the air vent he was pretending to be interested in while Darren dressed himself.
They glared at each other for a solid thirty seconds before Darren finally replied.
“No. Go away.”
The man’s face twisted into an ugly portrayal of aggression. “Maybe I should clarify,” he seethed, his ashen cheeks instantly flashing scarlet as he stuck his nose in Darren’s face. “Be inside the control room in ten minutes. If you are not there by then, I will come back and help you get there.”
His sudden display of rage did not frighten Darren; he was far too used to the crew’s temperamental behaviour. His disdainful expression changed to a mask of indifference as he said, “Whatever. Tell the cappy I’ll be there in due course. Now get out of my bedroom.”
The man hissed like an enraged cat, his nostrils flaring. “Bring your delightful sidekick along, too!” he ordered Darren before stomping out of the room.
Darren smiled as he shoved his feet into a dusty pair of boots. He knew exactly why the man didn’t want to wake Jase up himself, certain that it had everything to do with Jase’s extreme intolerance for the older crew members. Because they were both sixteen, they were known as junior recruits, and were treated horribly by the crew who piloted the space station, whose rank was far greater than theirs.
Darren hated the pilots, but his best friend Jase was another matter entirely.
Jase’s bedroom was beside Darren’s, so he was there within seconds. He rung the buzzer twice and waited patiently in the corridor for him to open the door. He didn’t. Darren rang it three more times. No answer. His patience was dissolving fast. He pushed the buzzer once more, but didn’t take his finger off.
The door slid open after five seconds of the constant, ear-splitting vibrations.
Darren released the buzzer and stepped inside, instantly amused that Jase was entirely covered by a twisted mess of sheets, yet had still managed to open the door without getting out of bed.
“Er, Jase?” Darren asked, unsure of how to break the good news to him.”The captain wants to see us.”
Jase poked his head out from beneath the muddle of sheets, opening his dark blue eyes halfway and surveying his friend with a look of disbelief.
“What time is it?”
Darren checked his watch. “You’re not gonna like this . . .”
“What time is it?” he asked again.
“Half past five.”
Jase sat up slowly, running a large hand through his short, sandy hair. “ Damn, I’ve never been up this early. This better be good--really good. If the captain just wants me to clean toilets, then I’m using his toothbrush.”
“Why would he ask you to clean toilets?” Darren asked, a smile curling the corner of his mouth. “He knows you wouldn’t do it.”
“I would if I actually knew where he keeps his toothbrush,” Jase admitted, pretending to keep up the tough bravado but failing to do so when Darren burst out laughing, which caused him to chuckle, too. Their laughs made each other laugh.
“I’ll wait outside, hurry up and get dressed,” said Darren once the laughter had ceased.
There wasn’t much to look at inside the corridor. On one side of the passage, doors were spaced at regular intervals, and led to other too-small bedrooms. The other side was a blank, grey wall. Grey seemed to be the color scheme of the station. The floors, walls, ceilings and doors were all the same dull shade.
Jase, now wearing the black clothes which were customary aboard the station, entered the corridor with a determined expression on his face. “I can’t wait to hear what the good ol’ captain wants. Let’s go.”
Jase didn’t bother to shut his bedroom door. He didn’t own anything worth stealing, except a chrome flip knife which he always carried around with him 'in case of an emergency.' He led the way, striding forward with booted feet which caused loud, echoing footfalls, with Darren following close behind.
They navigated their way through the labyrinthine passages towards the front of Dastos. Although Dastos was the largest research station ever launched from Earth, Darren had lived on board for four years, and Jase five, so they were able to find their way without getting lost once.
To pass the time, they had fun inventing reasons for the captain wanting to see them. They laughed boisterously at each other’s wild suggestions, and were forced to pause on several occasions to catch their breath. As they neared their destination, however, Darren fell silent, mentally preparing himself for whatever they were about to find inside the control room.
Jase, sensing Darren’s sudden nervousness, punched him on the arm and said, “Just go with it,” before jogging up a flight of stairs and throwing open the wide doors which led to the cavernous control room beyond. Darren shrugged before hurrying after him.
Darren had been inside the control room once before, when he joined Dastos four years ago. He was unsurprised to see that it hadn’t changed since. The room was ringed by a series of catwalks which led off to each floor of the station. The far wall was entirely made of glass and usually provided a broad view of space, but was currently shielded by metal shutters. An array of control panels curled around the edges of the room, leaving a large circular space of floor in the middle. Hundreds of pilots sat around the panels in winged chairs, expertly flipping switches, pressing buttons and generally making themselves look busy.
Four people were already stood inside the circle of computer panels, awaiting their arrival. One of them was the pilot who had woken Darren. He towered over two young boys who were stood beside him with nervous expressions. They had their backs to the entrance, and were standing a few metres away from the fourth person, who was absentmindedly gazing out of the window as if it wasn’t concealed by metal shutters.
Captain Laeer, the commander of Dastos.
Darren and Jase joined the group and waited impatiently with their hands on their hips for Captain Laeer to turn around. Once he did, they saw that his icy blue eyes were bright with amusement, and his pale, papery lips were curled into a smug grin. He wore the same clothes as everyone else on Dastos, except his were white, which perfectly matched his shock of bristly, snowy hair. He stood to his full height of six feet, his legs slightly apart.
Darren felt Jase tense up beside him, closing his own hands into fists at the sight of their captain.
“So,” growled Jase, breaking the ice. “Why have you brought us here at this ridiculous time?”
Darren braced himself, expecting Captain Laeer to explode as a result of Jase’s rudeness. He didn’t. Instead, the captain closed the distance between himself and the group in three purposeful strides, his smile broadening as he went.
“Today is a very special day,” he announced to the group, opening his arms into a gesture of welcome.
The pilot frowned, which Darren thought was odd. The pilots were always annoyingly up-to-date with the happenings of Dastos, yet he seemed atypically curious, as if he didn’t know what Captain Laeer had to say.
“In the next few hours,” Captain Laeer continued, looking to each of them in turn with a happy gleam in his eyes, “You will be put on a trial far superior than any other test that has been designed to study a man’s aptitude for survival. I am talking, of course, of a genogram mission.”
There was a collective intake of breath among the group as Captain Laeer dropped the bombshell on them. The tension in the air spiked, as if a bone-jarring jolt of electricity had passed through them and rattled their brains.
“Captain, please!” the pilot instantly begged, waving his arms for emphasis. “These four boys have received very minimal training. They are not ready for a genogram mission!”
“Sam, there is no need to be alarmed,” Captain Laeer addressed the pilot, sweeping his pleas away with a wave of his hand. “I am counting on you to lead these boys through the mission. They require your expertise in the area of genograms and need you to guide them through the dangers ahead. Don’t you think that would be nice, hmm?”
Darren thought the idea of a genogram mission was the exact opposite of ‘nice’, and from the frightened look on Sam’s face, he guessed that he was not the only one who thought so. The two boys beside Darren didn’t appear to even know what a genogram mission was, as they were swapping uneasy looks of confusion
The only person who did seem to agree with Captain Laeer’s flippant use of the word ‘nice’, was Jase.
“Woo-hoo!” he screamed, imagining the amount of fun he was about to have whilst punching the air in excitement. “A genogram mission! Awesome.”
“W-what’s a genogram mission?” one of the small boys stuttered. He looked at least three years younger than Darren and Jase. He had dirty blond hair, and fidgeted a lot with his hands, which gave him a rodent-like appearance. He was also wearing bioptic glasses, which magnified his eyes to three times their original size.
He seemed like a smart kid to Darren. He might not have known what a genogram mission was, but he had enough intelligence to know that if Jase was about to have fun, then something really, really bad was about to happen.
I drastically changed the prologue so that I could incorporate your ideas into it. Thanks for your help, and let me know if this one sucks too. xD That's if you still want to read it.
Thanks, Evil.
Hey Evil, welcome to YWS! I'm coco and I'll be reviewing you today.
Here goes...
Okay, firstly, I don't think this should be a prologue, it's far too long.
To Improve
There needs to be a better openning - the one you have right now doesn't live up to the type of genre your working on. Maybe you can start off with your MC looking out of the window and watching the death and distruction happening all around him - it will make the piece more punchy and interesting.
Dialogue - your dialogue seems to be very poor between the two character's and often completely unrealistic
There are loads of awkward sentence floating around in different places. Go back and read this aloud to yourself and I'm sure you'll have it fixed in no time.
Lastly, there seems to be inconsistance with your character's emotion and your character's narration. There was so much emotion in the first part then it sort of vanished in the second part. What I'd suggest you do is try and get into the mindset of your character, put yourself in his shoes and then play out the events in your head and note down all the different emotions you feel: seeing your parents dying in front of you...sadness...agony...etc - note these down and then keep them in mind when it comes to writing the rest of your chapter - e.g. portray these emotions when the character is walking through the building hoping for the survivors - if you keep these emotions in mind then you'll have no problem with inconsistant emotions and narrations.
It's still early to comment on the plot yet because I can't really tell where this is going to go, i am interested in what captain laeer wants with darren though, maybe he posesses some secret knowledge that will help them save the planet (or maybe i've been watching way too many movies) - either way I am looking forward to finding out. keep going with this, I know how difficult it is for a new writer to find their voice but trust me, with a little bit of faith mixed with a little bit of practise, it will come almost naturally
Sorry if this is a little harsh
*coco