Young Writers Society

Remove me, from the land
of Nod, upon the beginning
of October: the second rodent
obtains the degenerate milk product,
though the prime-arriving hand-bird
acquires the mud-crawler – half
the fast-breaker of its compatriots
within a shrubbery. The West Indies
simpleton inquires of you
for the location of his
horseless carriage, whose grimy travel is hated
by constables – unless Caucasian
of an intellectual turn. Deliver quick
unto me opium, for are you
and I of the ever-patient?

#004040 ">you don't need those first two commas. I don't know if its the syntax or what but some of this is just confusing. I think there might be some experimentation with language but it shows a lack of control. Read up.

Nay, nay, thrice again nay!

We are of those, where I am told
farewell no sooner
than I have bud you, “halloa.”

#8000BF ">I'm not sure if there are typos or what's going on. Honestly I'd start over and try again. Remember, sensory detail will really drive you. I think you at least have a tangential awareness of this, I'd like to see more from you.

best,

Hey there, ilyaeelz! (Note: I have no idea how to pronounce your username.)

So right off the bat, I have to say that Suz makes a really good point. You’ve definitely muddled up this poem with an enormous amount of heavy vocabulary. Normally, I find myself emphasizing the use of a more mature vocabulary but here, I really would consider dumbing it down.

It’s very confusing to read this. And I can see that part of this is definitely crawling towards a sense of “discovery” of a people who are very obviously unwanted or being turned away. At least I think that’s what you’re going for. The problem is that the idea I’ve managed to pull out of this, if it’s the right idea at all, didn’t seem very apparent until the line: “The West Indies/simpleton inquires of you/for the location of his…” to the end of the poem. And even then, the line “Deliver quick/unto me opium, for are you/and I of the ever-patient?” seems to make this still a bit more confusing because it implies, perhaps, that this narrator is more of a white man in India (or wherever it is opium is found).

You’ve got some work ahead of you on this if you intend to work some more on this idea. But sometimes the editing can be the most fun, especially when you discover something else more powerful in the poem.

If you have any questions, please don’t hesitate to send me a PM or leave a message on my wall.

I'm not exactly sure what to say about this. I read it twice and that's as far as I'd give it to try and understand. I want to believe there is something good behind it, but I'm having difficulty scratching the surface, or indeed digging into its depths, to find any of it.

I feel like it has too much... intellectual fluffage to really say anything. Like instead of actually saying or doing anything, you're just trying to show off your smart-ness with big words, old words, and PC words. I really hope you don't find this comment insulting; I'm not trying to be. That's just the honest vibe I'm getting from this poem.

Maybe I've missed the point entirely and it should be explained. But, of course, if one has to explain their poem for the reader to appreciate it, the writer has failed. My best advice would be to try and figure out what you want to get across and find a way to say it less obtusely.