Published September 14, 2010
Lina Malina won't talk to me,
She's quite busy, can't you
See? Where this isn't headed:
Meaning, you can't discern
Just through sights and sounds,
Nor feelings, though the point's
Sharp
.
No rhyme reason, nor
Ever existence of the phoenix proven;
Season out of sync with little
Chinks! Falling a part
Ever... so... slowly...
Until The-Rapid-Acceleration reaches
A sickening boil of pot
Full of bleach, erasing without
Rewriting within.
Dialogue is conscious, manifestation
Of unknowing electricity.
Edits happen beyond thought, just
Past reach or clasp, unreality.
So it goes: I edit increases, she
Recreates silence never-ending
Narration without plot.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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141,302 Literary Works • 674,338 Reviews
Hey!
I'm not really sure what this is about. Maybe that's the point, but it makes it frustrating to read. Individual lines seemed incoherent by themselves, let alone the poem as a whole.
There's a quote that goes: "If you make people think they're thinking they'll love you, but if you really make them think they'll hate you."
I think that's what is happening here - it takes too much thought and effort to read this. I read most lines a few times putting emphasis on different parts to try to understand, and at the end I still had no idea.
So, throw in some meaning for us silly readers who don't know what you're talking about. Make the meaning difficult, but possible, to find, rather than irritatingly out of reach. Then readers feel clever for working it out.
Ok, so, maybe the point of your poem is to be incomprehensible, but try to put something in that people will get - people like to relate to poetry.
I just rambled a whole lot. Sorry. Hope it helps anyway.
-pigeon
Well, this poem is very.... odd, and for some reason I feel like you had writers block when you wrote it. General comments:
Overall I think you should read this poem out loud. You will probably notice how choppy it is. Also, the idea of the poem is kind of muddled. While you read try to put yourself in the place of someone who doesn't know what you are trying to get at. Really confused? The beginning kind of threw me off. It didn't start out like it ended. The first two lines had a totally different subject then the rest of the poem and kind of felt tacked on. What exactly are you trying to convey? What is your message?
You are splitting up the sentences and stanzas way more than needed. Unless you are following a strict structure you don't need to do this. Put the lines the way they sound good rhythmically. I am not sure I explained this well.
Hope I helped anyway
A. S.
P.S. I really did love the poem only point out the bad stuff.