Young Writers Society

Well howdy there. A very interesting poem you have here with some wonderful lines and an absolutely excellent tone. I find your choice of line breaks to be a little deterring though and I have one or two comments you may find useful:


On midday last in Rotterdam
I
murdered my professor, <<<[I'd suggest making this part of the line above and then breaking here.] his final act of teaching
set to broaden my horizons.<<< [Love the use of the cliche, works really well here.] The planning phase,
so highly lauded, was my ‘how-to’ thesis course. <<<[Good flow so far.]
As always, though, I grew haphazard <<<[Not sure about your use of haphazard. It throws the rhythm a little and is in general an awkward word. I'm sure you could find a better one.]
improvising salutations:
classic backstab, old-school chloroform,
ex-fashionable double Taser! Oh, to be sure
I hemmed and hammed, I caught unaware
and serenaded, sonnets of sport cars
spouting as he spewed and redecorated. [I think spewed is nicely comical but not visual enough, or at least it's not blunt enough.]

I followed suit. Ye
wind chimes hanging over yonder
were made of finest ivory, spinal
tappers of the air – the scent
they keep off comes from finest cat
food ground and grinded grisly-like,
one meat all delicacies yet. <<<[You're losing me a little here. I think you're diverging just a little too much which is a shame because I like the words in themselves, I just feel that you're losing too much in content.]
This very Rutgers finger painting
scarlet-stricken
scattershot
splattered bloody brilliance
is but his essence, nothing more! [Nice ending.]

Overall, a good poem, though I have to admit myself slightly disapointed by the second half. I wanted to see so much more of the persona featured in stanza one. Hints at the reasons behind the murder and more of that blunt, colloqialisation of it. Well hopefully this will help a little, PM me with questions,

Heather xxx

ilyaeelz wrote:On midday last in Rotterdam
I #00BF00 ">This is a good way of breaking up the formatting and adding suspense.
murdered my professor, his final act of teaching
set to broaden my horizons. #FF0000 ">The planning phase,
so highly lauded, was my ‘how-to’ thesis course.
As always, though, I grew haphazard
improvising salutations:
classic backstab, old-school chloroform,
#FF0000 ">ex-fashionable double Taser! Oh, to be sure
I hemmed and hammed, I caught unaware
and serenaded, sonnets of sport cars
spouting as he spewed and redecorated.#00BF00 ">Wow. slightly creepy, but a very effective stanza.

I followed suit. Ye
wind chimes hanging over yonder
were made of finest ivory, spinal#00BF00 ">Brilliant three lines.
tappers of the air – the scent
they keep off comes from finest cat
food ground and grinded grisly-like,
one meat all delicacies yet.
#FF0000 ">This very Rutgers finger paintingscarlet-stricken
scattershot
splattered bloody brilliance
is but his essence, nothing more! #00BF00 ">This last stanza seems to go a little off-course.

ilyaeelz wrote:On midday last in Rotterdam
I murdered my professor,
his final act of teaching
set to broaden my horizons.
The planning phase,
so highly lauded,
was my ‘how-to’ thesis course.
As always,
though,
I grew haphazard
improvising salutations:
classic backstab, old-school chloroform,
ex-fashionable double Taser!
Oh, to be sure
I hemmed and hammed,
I caught unaware
and serenaded,
sonnets of sport cars
spouting as he spewed and redecorated.

I followed suit.
Ye wind chimes hanging over yonder
were made of finest ivory,
spinal tappers of the air –
the scent they keep off comes from finest cat
food ground and grinded grisly-like,
one meat all delicacies yet.
This very Rutgers finger painting
scarlet-stricken
scattershot
splattered bloody brilliance
is but his essence, nothing more!