I am somewhat hesitant to post yet another vampire story. Please be kind. More will be coming soon. Be sure to read it in order. I hope you enjoy.
Part I
Dark buildings stood like tombs in the dim light of cooling, flickering torches. The sky was a shroud of heavy shades of black, red, blue, shifting uneasily, empty of anything but the strands of the great nightweb. Cobblestones lined the path, uneven, missing in some places or worn and cracked in others. On the dimly lit street a man walked at a steady pace, cloaked. Little wind blew in the city of Hereot, yet a damp cold clung to it, a morbid, lazy cold that seemed tolerable at first but would slowly sink deeper, nestle in and burn into your bones like a quiet acid. It was kept that way by the city’s elder, Cren Methra.
Breathing heavily, the man was careful not to appear nervous. There was no hiding his nature, but behaving like prey anywhere in the nation was unwise. In Hereot, that was especially true. Sigurd was lucky to have been in Azgild, where his people were treated as honored servants. Hereot was not as bad as Acheron, where Minos Methra ruled humans like cattle, but it only shared Azgild’s laws, not its magnanimity. If no one in power was looking, Hereotans could be as sadistic as any Acheronian.
More than other mortals, Sigurd was fairly well protected. He was marked by Dren Methra himself, and wielded a necklace made by Tiresias, the greatest wizard in the blood-god kingdom. Still, he was taking a risk in wandering Hereot’s streets alone. The ambassador was relieved when he reached Destrin’s Inn, the nicest human tavern in Hereot. Passing an alley, he felt strong hands clamp over his mouth and chest and drag him into the shadows, moments before reaching the tavern door.
“Tasty little treat, wandering the streets,” hissed a gloating voice. “State your business quickly, without crying out, or I will drain you dry.”
Putting just a touch of authoritative outrage into his voice, Sigurd answered in a harsh whisper, “I am marked of Dren Methra, here on important business of state. You would be wise to remember the laws of your elder, Hereotan.”
“I am not a Hereotan.” The big man chuckled as a necklace much like Sigurd’s began to radiate purple light. There stood Atnos Kree, the most dangerous mortal in the nation, ambassador of Elysia and marked of Othinn Methra.
“You damned fool,” curse Sigurd, wincing at his own raised voice. He repeated himself more quietly. “You damned fool. I nearly soiled myself. What if I activated my etherstone? One of us could have gotten hurt.”
Atnos raised an eyebrow. “It wouldn’t have been me, Siggy. Come on, let’s go inside.”
Sighing, the official followed his technical superior into the tavern. They checked in and went to their room, closing the door fast and checking closets, windows and cabinets for anything suspicious before turning to each other.
“So, what have you learned?” asked Atnos Kree, feigning interest.
“Don’t pretend to care, Atnos. I know you harbor no real love or allegiance to your kingdom. Even Othinn Methra knows it. I don’t know how a blasphemer like you gets to surpass hundreds of actually devoted worshippers of Valk Hahwra.”
Atnos grinned mirthlessly. “Because they know my allegiance to our kind is as empty as my allegiance to theirs. Why pretend to not hate the ones with power over you? My honest loathing gets me as much power in this damned world as your blind worship.”
“They are our gods,” replied Sigurd. There was no debate in his voice. Neither thought they would sway the other in their thoughts.
“I know what they are, Sigurd. Answer my question.”
“Apparently the council of Hereot has deemed Cren Methra unfit for the rule of the city. They want him to resign.”
Atnos appeared sincerely surprised. “Why?”
Sigurd shrugged. “They feel he is not the sort of spiritual leader he once was. They are tired of his attempts to impose Azgildian laws. Most of the council members are directly or indirectly descendant of Minos, and his philosophies have grown more popular ever since the failed rebellion in the industrial quarter.”
“No council has the power to supplant an elder without either unanimous approval from the other elders, or an agreement from the Ancient himself. And, with the exception of Gauntra, every city whose elder was demoted was absorbed into the neighboring city. It sounds like Minos is trying to expand his grip,” reasoned the big man.
“That’s what I thought, until I learned who the leader is they want to make elder. His name is Lord Osiris. He is related equally to Minos and Cren, but also is the last heir of an elder who ruled over a city absorbed by Hereot. That makes Lord Osiris a direct heir of the Ancient.”
“He aligns with Minosian politics?”
“Yes and no. He wouldn’t enforce or allow the kind of open torture of humans that goes on in Acheron, nor would he create his own Arena. But laws of distinctly Azgildian flavor would be repeated under his rule. No temperance on bloodletting, no rules about private abuse.”
Atnos Kree nodded. “Sounds lovely.”
Sigurd frowned. “Just because this isn’t directly affecting you now doesn’t mean you shouldn’t care, Atnos. This will drastically realign the entire kingdom. Right now, four of the five cities are aligned as conservative humanist, giving our people rights as at least secondary citizens, in some cases almost equals to the vampires. Coerced servitude statistically weakens human devotion to Valk Hahwra, and . . .”
“Oh, shut up, Siggy. I know, I know. What you don’t get is, it doesn’t matter. It’s a mask on the same thing. Either they are stronger than us and treat us like dirt, or they are stronger than us and treat us like important dirt. I don’t give a damn about how many vampires respect human rights. The idea of it is a joke. Their nature is against human rights, whatever pretty words they dress it up as. Any power they give us is a charade to keep us quiet and help us forget the fact that we are their food.”
The other man sighed. “Look, Atnos, I know we have radical ideological differences. But the bottom line is Osiris is not a kind vampire. With him in power, we, our people, will be treated worse. If the council succeeds here, it could awaken the councils in Azgild, Gauntra and even Elysia . . .”
“And what can two humans do about it? Should we go and whine before the council? Should we kill Osiris? Nothing changes the fact that vampires choose what happens to humans. That is the meaningless world we live in, Sigurd.”
“Submitting to the highest power is not meaningless,” replied Sigurd quietly.
“Not, but the vampires are not the highest power. They’re just higher than us.” He stood. “If that’s the best news you have for me, I am going to get in bed. There’s nothing else we can do here without consulting our superiors.”
“But Atnos—“
The big man swiveled his dark, glittering eyes to the other’s, his face as chilling as any vampire’s. “We’re done, Sigurd. That is an order.”
The politician sighed and nodded, and got into his own bed as well.
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Tiresias flipped the fold of his cape aside and gazed at the soldier, Guthrun. “What news do you bring for your elder?”
The general bowed. “Sir, we have again driven back the rebel humans. We hope to dislodge their camp from the border of the nightweb within the week.”
“Were there any casualties?”
“One of my front soldiers was taken down. All of the injuries were minor, aside from that. We are tired of these border wars, sir. If Othinn Methra gives the word, my troops are willing—“
“No,” the wizard snapped, his eyes flashing yellow. His patience was growing thin with war-mongers requesting conquest outside of the nation. “We stay within the sanctity of the nightweb, general. It is not our place to venture into the sun-stained lands. I want the rebels killed, all of them. None are to escape; retreat is not an option.”
The soldier bowed again. “Yes, sir.”
Tiresias watched the vampire return to his camp and sighed wearily. He was sick of the trickle of skirmishes called the border wars that had plagued the nation for hundreds of years. The soldiers were sick of it too, of course, but for different reasons than him. They wanted more. Low in the evolution of the species, vampire warriors would take any bloodshed they could get. They had no taste for the more refined pleasures of vampirism. Tiresias viewed humans as honored servants, creatures to be respected for their contributions, willing or not, to the cause of the blood-gods. Calloused slaughter, impious indulgence in blood for its own sake was a disgusting, Minosian practice for which the wizard had little patience.
He turned from the war camp and drew on his magic, his tall, thin frame dissolving into wispy ropes of mist, rising into the darkness of the nation’s eternal night. On air currents he drifted, invisible to any who did not look with enchanted eyes. In this form his consciousness would spread for miles, though it was against vampire law to spy in such a way outside of the city of his jurisdiction. Not that many would question him. He was, after all, the most feared and respected wizard in the blood-kingdom.
He noted a carriage passing the bridge from Hereot into Azgild. He knew who its passengers were. In a funnel of transparent mist he spiraled down and materialized inside. Sigurd and Atnos Kree regarded him without surprise.
“O great and powerful wizard, thank you for gracing our lungs with your smoky presence,” genuflected Atnos with unabashed sarcasm.
Tiresias bowed his head in pretended ignorance of the human’s sardonic tone. “My pleasure, it is, to provide a perfume to mask your natural scent.”
Sigurd watched the exchange with resigned disgust, then said with more appropriate respect, “Master, thank you for joining us.”
Tiresias grinned. “Always the serious one, Siggy. While I don’t recommend your companion’s flippancy, you might do well to relax a bit. Life is short, the saying goes.”
“Says the immortal,” snorted Atnos Kree.
Tiresias acquiesced with a smile. “How did your visit to Hereot go?”
“There is a plot afoot to remove Cren Methra from his place as elder. My whole world has been thrown askew by this startling development,” lamented Atnos Kree, dramatically pressing the back of his huge hand against his forhead.
Tiresias lifted his eyebrows and looked to Sigurd. “Is this true? Who is the council favoring as replacement?”
The more serious politician nodded. “Yes, Lord Osiris.”
The wizard grimaced. A qualified vampire, but not a principled one. Cren Methra founded Hereot himself, and neither Dren nor Othinn will approve his displacement.”
“What about the Ancient?” Sigurd’s voice was worried.
Tiresias smiled. “The Ancientloves his children. He would not see Cren displaced. Minos supports the movement, I imagine.”
“I’ve heard no official statement from Acheron, but I assume he does. Lord Osiris’s Minosian alignment is gaining popularity, and I worry that even without word from the other elders Hereot’s allegiance is already shifting.”
“A big step in the wrong direction,” observed the wizard.
“I am worried that Cren Methra plans in continuing his service at the border wars next cycle,” admitted Sigurd.
“No reason to worry,” assured the wizard. “No rogue human is a threat for an elder Methra.”
“It’s not humans that worry me.”
Tiresias looked at the human, and his eyes widened. He nodded. “You fear a coup. A battlefield is just the place for some extremist to arrange an accident.”
“Accidents don’t befall elders easily,” noted Atnos dryly.
“Still, we can’t take too many precautions, especially if Osiris is riling Hereot’s liberals the way Sigurd believes.”
“Hey, nothing wrong with liberalism,” said Atnos with a grin.
Sigurd and Tiresias shared eye-rolling glances.
“Well, I think it would be good to give Cren Methra some added insurance. When his cycle comes around, I think Dren and Othinn will be bolstering his ranks with their best human and vampire resources, including their skilled ambassadors,” said Tiresias slyly.
That brought a gleam to Atnos Kree’s dark eyes, though he replied with a sardonic, “How nice of you to make these choices for our masters.”
The wizard’s grin showed his sharp, glittering fangs. “I merely anticipate their sagacious decisions.”
Kree’s flippant reply was lost on the nebulous web of mists drifting out the window, that had moments ago been Tiresias.
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Canary word: Present
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
I don't have any deep-seated reason for delay, and was planning on doing it soon. I just like to describe things when I feel they have a value to the moment they're being spoken of, and I haven't yet found that moment. It will be soon, though.
Scribe: It was, as is always the case, my pleasure to review your work.
As far as the vampire issue goes, I would not disagree with C.S. Lewis's advice. I would however point out, that if pursuing originality does not result in it, imagine what C.S. Lewis would say when it comes to pursuing unoriginality. Of course you are the writer and know where your story is going, and I do realize that you have thoroughly planned this. As such, I trust your judgment as far as your setting goes.
With regard to the nightweb, I realize that you are getting to it, I was merely pointing out that had you explained it earlier you would not compromise the story at all. I was inquiring as to your reason of delaying it. While writing, I would only delay the reader's awareness of the situation assuming I had good cause to.
Your flexibility as a writer is astounding.
Have a great one!
Yoda: Thank you for your comments, both praise and suggestions, as usual. Interms of the vampire issue, a few things:
First of all, originality is not my primary goal. I take C.S. Lewis's advice that pursuing originality is the prime way to assure you will never achieve it. The inspiration of this story comes to me as one about vampires, and the connotations and history of the word play into what I am attempting to do. Of course, you can't critique me, nor can any of us, on a holistic vantage point, because our stories aren't finished yet, so we work with what we have. At this point, I feel like changing it from vampires to anything else would defeat the purpose of the project and undermine all of my artistic goals herein.
As far as the nightweb goes, I'm getting to it. Remember, if you had read a longer bit of this at once, it wouldn't have felt so drawn out or mysterious, that's more created by the fact that I am writing it piecemeal.
And to the point about "said," I hadn't really even noticed it, and I'll definitely give it more thought.
Of course, this is a very different project from the Beowulf one, with different points of emphasis, so I wouldn't expect it to be the same experience.
Thanks again for your feedback. =)
Karstan,
Thank you for your considerate review. I think it reveals large, ideological differences between us concerning the nature of writing in general. I don't really consider names such as the ones I've given necessary for the reader to memorize. They'll pick them up through association. The ones I'm focusing on should be relatively obvious.
As far as new terms go, there really aren't that many (blood-kingdom is hardly a mysterious name, its connotations are self-contained). I have not read Steven Erikson, though he's been indicated to me before. I also don't think there isn't more than enough basic information for the reader to go on - you're worried that there are too many unspoken, unexplained details, but also that there's too many details . . . these are principles of writing necessarily at tension with one another. I simply tell the story, and the details will fill themselves in.
As far as repetitiveness, be careful when you're assuming it doesn't "add much," because oftentimes it can be quite conscious. The description I have put at the beginning is there with a purpose.
Your pointing out the difference between Atnos Kree's dialogue and Sigurd's misses what it conveys - a difference in the characters themselves. Sigurd is a no-nonsense, serious guy, who loves serving the vampires. He's sort of like a manager at K-Mart who takes himself too seriously. I couldn't imagine him talking any other way.
My selection of names has been careful and methodical, and is connected to the story as a whole. Of course, I am not going to explain what those connections are; they aren't necessary to telling the story, though they will, perhaps, enrich the overall picture I am painting.
I will reread with your comments in mind, though at the moment my general feeling is we have different aesthetic principles, which is of course to be expected. I appreciate your comments, and will keep them in consideration.
To: The Scribe, with certain notes on Karsten's review which she too might be interested in.
Hey Scribe,
I too am fairly hesitant for you to post yet another vampire story. Although your take on the situation is remarkably novel, because you have made vampires a central part of the plot, you compromise this novelty, and this becomes yet another vampire story. Were I in your position, I would replace each instance of vampires with "dark wizards" or perhaps some other invention of your own. You would need to change the race's characteristics somewhat, but the politics with the humans as well as the device of the nightweb could be kept intact. Essentially this is up to you, but I do feel strongly that you've compromised your originality unnecessarily.
As far as the writing itself goes, I was impressed. Perhaps slightly less so than I was of that of the Beowolf piece, though not noticeably so. Let's take a look at this in a little more detail though.
With all respect to Karsten as well as to her certain credibility as a writer, I am skeptical as to the validity of this comment. To start off with, I'd like to point out that comparing Scribe to Erikson, is I'm sure a comparison that The Scribe would welcome. Imagine: Over 250 000 books sold! Plus, Erikson has received praise for his complexity of his world from all sides. But I don't believe that popularity of a book is any reflection of its quality. After all, Stephanie Meyer has sold more than 22 million in a single year, and the quality of her literature is far inferior to many, and certainly Erikson. As such I think that I should argue directly with the above claim.
As far as politically based plots go, to make the story complex enough for the politics to be believable, it is necessary to utilize exposition to the fullest. It is understandable that the faint-hearted may not be completely absorbed into the story immediately, but should you choose to lose your heavy complexity, you risk jeopardizing the audience who would read past the first chapter without throwing the book aside.
I'd further like to point out that greats such as even Tolkien have failed to draw many readers into their created worlds. This is not, however, a flaw in the world. It is a flaw in the reader.
I especially enjoy Kree's character. He's a breath of fresh air.
Also, I must once again respectfully disagree with Karsten:
She wrote:
While I do agree that the first of the two quotes is far sweeter characterization, I believe the latter fits just as well contextually. Each portray different aspects of character, and when necessary, it is understandable that even the dryer and less interesting piece of dialogue is used. I would not change this as one can not build a story with merely the most juicy pieces of dialogue. Sometimes dry dialogue is necessary to capture the situation, and I would rather the exposition occur in dialogue than in prose.
I do help that I have provided some useful points. Your stories are always a pleasure to read, and I specifically like your interesting prose, and complex political threads. As far as a first draft goes, this is pretty much as close to perfect as possible. Hell, it reads like it's been edited several times!
Have a great one!
Hi Eccentric,
I get the impression there is a complex political situation underlying this piece, which is both good and bad. It's good, because it reads like you're making an effort to create an interesting new world to read about. But it's also bad, because a lot of this reads like heavy, stodgy exposition. (My spider sense is telling me you're a fan of Steven Erikson, who also has problems drawing readers into his incredibly complex world.)
I feel overloaded with proper nouns. I can't tell Cren Methra, Dren Methra, Minos Methra and Othinn Methra apart, and I can't keep track of who's who. We've got Hereot, Cren Methra, Azgild, Acheron, Minos Methra, Tiresias, Elysia, Othin Methra, Valk Hahwra, Minos, Gauntra, Cren, Osiris, Sigurd, Atnoss Kree, Guthrun and ... I'm stopping to catch my breath here ... the Ancient. And that's not even mentioning other kinds of unfamiliar words, like nightweb, blood-kingdom, etc. All these words are starting to blur into one long stream of unfamiliarity to me. I'm not sure which of these names refers to a person, which to a country, which to a faction ... I'm lost, basically.
The narrative and dialogue are both trying too hard to impart information to the reader, and it's hurting your ability to engage the reader. Compare these two lines:
#1 "My whole world has been thrown askew by this startling development,” lamented Atnos Kree, dramatically pressing the back of his huge hand against his forhead.
#2 “I’ve heard no official statement from Acheron, but I assume he does. Lord Osiris’s Minosian alignment is gaining popularity, and I worry that even without word from the other elders Hereot’s allegiance is already shifting.”
#1 is sweet, delicious characterisation and makes me want to read more. #2 is pure exposition disguised as dialogue. It reads as if you copied and pasted directly from your world-building notes. That, I don't feel the same need to read more about.
I'm slightly weirded by the combination of mythologies and influences here. Acheron, Elysia, Tiresias and Minos are from Greek myth. Osiris is Egyptian. Sigurd is a hero of Norse mythology. Then there are names like Atnoss Kree which sound more like Steven Erikson than anything else. This leaves me slightly confused and not trusting your world-building.
Beware of overwriting description. You have a tendency to stack up tons of describing words at a time, including ones that are similar, repetitive or don't add very much to the description. The first paragraph is a classic example, and I'm going to line edit to show you what I mean:
Red text is telling us it's dark.
Blue text is telling us there's a slight breeze.
Green text is telling us the cobblestones are uneven.
Orange text is telling us it's cold.
Each of these facts is being repeated 2-4 times, sometimes in different ways, but sometimes just using the same phrases over and over. Cut down. One punchy sentence telling us it's cold so vividly that I can feel it is more effective than telling me in four different, weaker ways.
My overall suggestion is to streamline. Really streamline. Set yourself a hard limit of unfamiliar things you can introduce here - I'd say 10 is about the limit a reader can keep up with in a piece of this length, but 5 would be better. And then axe everything that's not absolutely necessary for the reader to understand. I struggled to keep up with the plot to the extent that I'm not sure what's necessary, but I get the impression that the scheme to replace Cren Methra with Osiris is the important thing, so practically everything else needs to be cut. This would allow the reader to focus less on memorising enough names for a geography and politics test, and more on interesting characters and snappy dialogue.
I think this is a pretty stiff review, and I don't want you to feel discouraged. Drawing the reader into a complex political situation is a really, really tough task and it's completely normal to have problems with exposition. Just remember that when you introduce something new, it's like a ball that you throw at the reader wanting them to catch. I can catch a ball. When you're pelting a hundred of them at my head, they start to hit me and hurt me, and then I get sad and discouraged from reading.
I'd be interested in reading a rewrite.
Karsten
Lily: Thank you for your careful, pleasant review. First of all, nightweb is not refering to the stars. This will be explained later. The nightweb is a spell which holds the city in darkness, for the sake of the vampires. I agree on you with the word "nicest," though I disagree on the word "burn." Of course, keep in mind that these are my first drafts, so there's going to be some strange syntax (which of course, I am thankful you point it out!)
My style of changing settings in this story is simply to have a space in the prose. This is an artistic change I've chosen for the narrative. Since the battlefield will be important later, I am not going to describe it right now. I trust the reader should be able to figure out it's a changed scene on their own.
Keep in mind, as with all reviews you give me, that a reply is not a rejection of your comments, but a sign that I am taking them seriously. I really appreciate you taking the time to do this, and I will certainly return the favor soon. Thank you for your comments!
Hey Scribe, told you I would review it and here I am. *run tackles Scribe*
Okay, something about this sentence just feels clunky, particularly at the beginning. Try opening with: The sky was a heavy shroud, shades of black, red, and blue shifting uneasily, empty….
Also, if ‘nightweb’ is meant to represent stars, perhaps end with: great starry nightweb.
Okay, I really like this part actually but something struck me as…wrong for a single little reason. All of you adjectives right away seemed so cool but then all of a sudden the word ‘burn’ takes away that chilly value and it becomes hot. The eerie cold feel is good. But something about ‘burn’ just ruins it for me.
*Did I mention I might be a little nitpicky?*
Ooooh, Yay, History lesson! I like how you don’t go overboard on the details. Too much so early in the story would be overkill.
Okay, Scribe, I feel I really must bob you over the head for this. *bobs Scribe* The best you could come up with is ‘nicest’. I’m ashamed…serious…could you find a better word…if only for me?
Are these two different settings because it rather sounds like it. Add something to tell the reader that the scene has changed.
Okay, I’ve heard nightweb mentioned multiple times now that it’s farther into the story and by the sound of things, it pertains to one particular land. So make it proper and capitalize.
Space here. ^.^
Dialogue
Perfect dialogue Scribe. It flowed well and it sounded natural without being cliché in its oldworldiness. Not only that, but the tone of voice reminds me of you. Very smart and witty.
Plot
So I have to say, this is a lot, especially for so earlier in the story. But you don’t overload us with little details which is good too. Just make sure that when you right down aspects that involve lots of characters that they remain clean and not too bogged down.
Characters
Speaking of characters, I really like the ones you’re giving us because they are all unique in themselves. None are too much like one another and each one has his own individual personality.
All together, this was just really well put together. Yeah, there were some places where the grammar had issues but I pointed out the ones that I found and I’m sure others will do so too if they find any more. Part two is on my list of things to do cause I’m really curious as to what happens next.
~lilymoore