Young Writers Society

Oh, Tony. One of these days I'm going to get on a bus, come see you, and smack you once for every time you tell me you're an awful poet.

ODE I: I love it. The message, the language, the way you expressed every sentiment... gorgeous. Deity, and those last two lines... "A sword can take a life / But a pen can birth a generation." Quote-worthy lines if I ever saw 'em, and a nice twist on the old comparison between pen and sword.

ODE II: I like the change into the more antiquated language... it gives it a dusty feel, like it's been unearthed and translated from the side of a Grecian urn or something. And yes, that's a compliment. My one complaint... I think you've got the conjugations (if that's what you call them) off. I'm not claiming to be an expert, but I think that

Oh, oh, what hath thee done, Prometheus?

Oh, oh, what hast thou done, Prometheus?

**blinks** When you said long, you werent kidding, LOL.

Overall points, to begin with:

1. I think it would flow better if you didnt use capitals at the beginning of each line. It's difficult to avoid this in Word programs since it does it automatically (stupid Word) but it kind of makes things confusing, since to the mind you're starting a new sentence at each line, even when you're not.

2. Ye Olde Language. Not sure if I like this or not -- it's difficult to get into and does seem a bit flowery, but at the same time, it gives the poem a sense of epic which complements the mythical/philosophical subject matter. So...the jury is out on that one.

3. Love the overall theme. Especially the way you used the myth of Prometheus

4. Line breaks. Could these be smoothed out some? I think they're a little choppy as is, although this could be due to the capitals perhaps.

Individual ODES now --

ODE I

His days cut short,
Death ill sympathetic of unfulfilled Genius,
What further nightingales singing
Might he have harkened to?

I think this might read better as "his days cut short/by Death ill-sympathetic of unfulfilled Genius".

Otherwise, I like this

ODE II

OK, like I said, love the use of Prometheus. It's one of my favourite myths (because of some story I read years ago about fire and...I cant remember it, but it was good LOL). My only problem really is that there are too many exclamation marks in this Ode. You end every sentence with a ! and it gets very tiring for the reader to have to keep up that kind of energy, LOL. I'd recommend changing a few to full stops. Also, I think the switch to Ye Olde English here is kind of abrupt, and the poem might be better served with the use of conventional he/she/it and so on. For instance, the first line (to me) sounds better as "Oh, oh, what have you done, Prometheus?"

By fire man eats the earth,
By fire he defiles the freedoms
And beauties of his lost soul!

I'm not sure that these lines are necessary; we know by this point what you're saying and to extend it seems more repetitive than anything.

Old Thunderfists was too harsh on thee,
Prometheus, but concede the point,
If what thee hath done came from pity,
[s]Man thee thought to help,[/s]
As noble intentioned as thee were, doomed god,
Thee saw not the coming travesties!
We see them too clearly now,
Burning men press burning hands into
A world made miserable by thine gift!

I think that line breaks up the flow too much, and since it doesnt add to the poem I think you could safely remove it. Also, the repetition of "noble-intentioned" and "well-intentioned" sticks out a bit, so IMHO you could perhaps remove the second ("Well-intentioned thief of Olympus,") and just go straight to "We concede..."

Otherwise, I think this is my favourite.

ODE III

Their roads go wherever and their words say
Whatever! And with her seductive laughter
Her lovers follow the Dark Muse, as her wedge
Of abstraction cuts them from the solid world.

This bit doesnt make sense; that is, you say "and with her seductive laughter" then seem to change to "her lovers follow" --- perhaps you could alter the structure to read more coherently. Also, I'd remove the "and" in "their roads go wherever". But that's just me.

ODE IV

Forms, distinctionless
First to Emerge from It,
Was She, the Maiden of Fancy,
And smiling soon after emerged
Holding her hand the Mister of Is.

Again, you seem to stop in mid-sentence here. "Forms, directionless [then what?]" -- it seems incomplete.

Love the creation-myth stuff here

ODE V

Cease ye, disparities! scowls the Maiden.

This line bothers me. I’m not sure why. The next line does too. Perhaps they need to be smoothed out a bit.

Flowers go into thine scrolls and thine books of
Learning! Ha! What a place for flowers!
Put the flowers in the ground!

LOVE those lines. They really made me smile LOL.

What a thing thou hast done; but it shall be
Set aright; for the Maiden will have her Mister,
And the doom of mankind will brighten
And the blood of my Mister will no longer drip
From his untended wounds; we eternities
Shall again have balance.

Lots of semi-colons here. Can any be changed?

I think the last line of this Ode might go better without the space between the end of the verse, but that’s up to you.

Whew! I think this is the longest crit I've ever done, LOL. I enjoyed this though. Very unique style and unusual subject matter. I especially liked the fact that it meant more to me the second time I read it – most poems deflate after a second reading. So kudos!

Cheers,
~bubbles