Published November 16, 2006
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140,561 Literary Works • 673,435 Reviews
Hello, my love. Look! I'm reading! And reviewing! I'm no longer the world's worst girlfriend! YAY!
First of all... Gleebeck's a murderer?! When did I miss this?! *plots*
Oh, I missed gnome speech...
Kudos on the Greek mythology reference with the whole "acteon" thing. I was very proud that I got the allusion. In fact, I was so proud, I started bouncing in my chair. Then Morgan smacked the back of my head. Ow.
You've got me hooked again. Already.
And to Snoink... there's a baron who happens to be wearing red. He didn't say "Red Baron" anywhere. Pay attention when you read next time, maybe?
Oh, and to the gnomes: Maybe you should expand that dialogue a bit? Put emphasize on the fact that they're 'very hyper and exciteable, and tend not always to make perfect sense'.
-elein
P.S. That's just a suggestion. I mean, it is YOUR story after all
So you're a published writer? Congrats!
Mwahaha, i'll get to read the book BEFORE publishing. -And for that I LOVE this site.
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Hands wringing each other nervously,
Hands can wring each other nervously? O_o
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Swallowing, he licked his dry lips, trying to look the imposing man in the eye squarely, but failing.
‘Squarely in the eye’ would sound better, I think.
The two spaces instead of one after the second paragraph was something like a typo? Lol
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He listened raptly to the generals of his army, speaking with urgency about recent skirmishes with the rainforest-elven army and the best next course of action.
‘He was listening raptly?’ Oh, I don’t know, I suppose I’m being picky here…
At this point I noticed you didn’t correct the ‘D o’.
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Unflinching, the man’s jaw was set firmly in the face of his inquirer and replied,
Weird. Oh, I know:
Seeming agitated, the Emperor’s red-garbed advisor thrust his face into the warrior’s and queried hotly,
Weird nonetheless. And why is he ‘seeming’? I think you can cut that off.
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When the baron told Jarnsaxa that he was being sent to find and slay Dayla Batara, he burst forth with a bestial laughter that gave even the cold-hearted baron shivers.
Do you really have to repeat the fact that the baron told Jarnsaxa this and that? You could’ve said that he burst out laughing in the first place…
Okay, so that’s it. It was interesting, it had a flow blah blah blah. Let’s just leave it on the ‘I liked it part‘, ok?
Just as I said that I haven’t read anything of yours in YWS, I have to admit that I haven’t read any of your books…. Mwahaha, maybe I’ll by one of them?..
Okay, I guess I haven't got anything more to say. Uhm, yeah. Well...
.
Small comments...
Describe more of the first part. How do the character say it? What is their general location? You don't need to go overboard on it, of course, but still.
AND OMG. Did you just use the red baron as a name of a character? Is this an ode to Snoopy or just a joke? In either case, it doesn't work. At all. Change the name, please. Pink Baron would be better.
The "...Again!" part sounded so cliched... like, there was this evil maniacal guy laughing and stuff. Which might have been the image you wanted to create, but GAH. SO CORNY.
Still, on the whole, I found it to be well-written. In reminds me of some other fantasy novels I read... cool beans. So yeah. Maybe YWS can help you with the motivation to write chapter one?
To the first reviewer:
Thank you for your input. Yes, the gnomes have a very meandering way of speaking, and if it is confusing to you, then I take that as a compliment, lol. And thanks for pointing out the typo! I probably won't change the king's dialogue, since it is the nature of the gnomes to speak in circular, unnecessary ramblings. They're very hyper and exciteable, and tend not always to make perfect sense. I'm glad the information didn't seem too overwhelming; putting in too much at the beginning is one of my biggest faults, and I'm trying hard to avoid that.
And to the second, lol, thanks for the shameless promotion?
But, for those who want to read the series in order, you can buy the books here!
Amazon.com!
...hahaha. Shameless promotion.
Um... I'll look over it tomorrow or something, 'kay?
Your a published writer? Bravo. That's a a cool achievement at a reasonably young age. What are your previous books called?
First thing I noticed was the repetition in the gnome king's dialogue, which was irritating, but I gather, also a part of his character?
the sort as Gleebeck? That didn't really make sense. I know what your trying to say, but it didn't come out right here.
Do
Knowing that this is the third book certain omissions, in the descriptive sense, can be forgiven but even were this the first its excellent writing. Nice hinting and the mix of information isn't overwhelming, but flows really well. Great job.