Published February 5, 2007
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141,354 Literary Works • 674,379 Reviews
This was good Scribe. But I must be honest. It was not as well written as your previous chapters. I also found some very minor mistakes that need to be corrected.
"If I might help in end any war, I must try."
This is a little...hard on the reader. Try something along these lines: "If I might help in ending a war, I must try." I don't know. Perhaps that's stupid. But just make what you want to say clearer.
"thoughts of the spectacular woman they had shared occupying their minds."
Occupied? I thinkt that that word would make this sentence fragment flow better. I understand what you are trying to say, but I am confused on the way it is worded.
"its warm flames yet burning."
I don't like the yet. "Its warm flames still burning deep into the night." Or "Its warm flames still burning."
"Using imperial forces, to take militia"
No comma is needed in this sentence.
"So he had sent events in motion"
Do you mean set instead of sent?
"and how you got there was not at issue for the baron."
An instead of at.
"H knew it."
He instead of h.
"Whethere here in this castle"
Weather.
"During this earl hour, of course, most were deep in slumber"
Early instead of earl
"In front of the group walked Talstran, the intensity gripping his limbs evident even from behind."
You already mentioned that Talstran was walking in front. Need you mention it again?
"Phasmatis, Gwynera and Geebeck traded looks"
Isn't it Gleebeck?
"So Talstran realized then, though it still chafed him, that something crucial was at stake here. “Master,” he said"
Do you mean Dartellis instead of Talstran?
This was good. My only suggestion is that you actually give me time to read it! You already have two more chapters posted! Well, one other one besides this one! But still! I have to read another one sometime! Lol. Hope I am not too insensative. Hope this helps! Writergirl
hehehehe Cedric Quilfeather. Where have I heard that one before??
I liked the first part of the story, the part I read. I thought for my own benefit a bit of fantasy would help me feel better. But no... sadly... cos I laughed when I read Cedric Quilfeather. haha.