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Young Writers Society


12+

A Dream About A Girl

by TheDreamWriter


This is a true story about a dream I had. I know some parts may be crazy or odd but remember this is a dream. Please enjoy :)

I remember this dream pretty clearly. I fell asleep that night and it was such a vivid dream. 

OK so I remember I was in a beautiful hotel working at the front desk. There was a giant fountain in the center of the lobby and the walls were painted amazing colors. People were kind of causually walking around. 

I then remember helping an athsma patient find an inhaler that he had left with me. I found his inhaler and a woman started her shift working beside me. 

She was beautiful. She had red/brown hair and a line of freckles across her nose. Her eyes were a nice calm blue. We talked for a while and she was so nice to me. 

We talked for a long while. It was really one of the best feelings in the world. We then ate dinner. I really do not know how to descibe it other than this. Do you know that feeling when you really love someone? I felt this. 

 We then went to her room. We then went to her bathroom. She wore this odd skin tight green suit. When she turned on the lights in the bathroom neon signs turned on as well. (This is very odd because power is hard to come by in dreams) 

We talked for a while drinking a bit and laughing. It was truely a great time. 

I then woke up. I quickly fell asleep hoping to go back to this dream. 

I got back to 'the dream world' and I was actually in my room. I stared in the mirror. Behind me was a man. He worked at the hotel and he told me that the girl was dead. I remember staring at him for what seemed like forever hoping he would say he was joking. 

I then quickly ran to the hotel which had been abandoned. I searched everywhere for the girl who I had loved but I just could't find her...

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Sun Nov 29, 2015 11:26 am
mysteriouswriter08 wrote a review...



Sadness. It's the first thing that I noticed here, TheDreamWriter. Yeah, it's a bit of a cliche, with a different twist though.. they had a great time together in their dream.. so how come he saw a man in the mirror? Is it behind him or is he alone in the room but there was a man who suddenly appeared in his mirror? How come the guy didn't he freak out when he found the man? When he ran out of the room, is he awake or what? And why is it "I searched everywhere for the girl who I HAD LOVED?" Shouldn't it be "the girl I love" or "the girl who I still love"?
It's a little bit confusing. :/






But isnt every dream odd and mysterious? Thank you for the review



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Sat Nov 28, 2015 7:34 pm
Brigadier wrote a review...



Hey there TheDreamWriter. I just wanted to leave a quick review.
Let's start from the beginning. In the history of plot twists, this might make it into a hall of fame but there are a few plot points that will make it unworthy. The ending is a bit predictable because you wrote this as a short story/romantic. For some reason all literary relationships these day end on a sad note. Hazel and Gus, Lily and Severus, need I say more. (There are plenty more examples out there).

I think you meant to say crazy instead of "crazu". There are a few bits and pieces of thoughts that just stopped. I see a few misspellings. These errors are not very hard to fix and make a better presentation. Proofread better next time.

I don't know what the point of the broom scene was about but it did not add anything to the story. In fact it takes away the tone that you are looking for.

Please revise and proofread better next time. Overall great job and I loved your story.
Always,
lizzybookclubqueen1






Thank you. I have edited this a bit from what I didnt tell in the story.



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Sat Nov 28, 2015 6:22 pm
cleverclogs wrote a review...



Hello, TheDreamWriter! cleverclogs here to review!

I'll start by getting the typos out of the way.

It was truely a great time.


The correct spelling is "truly".

She had red/brown hair and a line of freckles across her nose.


Red/brown? Which was it? If you're trying to describe a combination of the two, it would be better to say something like "reddish brown" than to use the slash.

I flew all around town and it was crazu.


*typo sirens* "Crazu" should be "crazy".

That probably covers it for the easy-fix mistakes, so now I'll review content.

I feel like this would have been better as a blog post. It doesn't seem like you're trying to tell a story; it's more like a casual conversation that you might have with a friend. I can see this in the way you shaped your sentences and described things. For instance,

OK so I remember I was in a beautiful hotel working at the front desk.


The "OK so" part makes it sound like you're trying to describe something indescribable to a friend. This is fine if you're just wanting to share this dream, but since you posted this as a literary work, I'm going to review this with the assumption that you're trying to turn this into a short story. If you were just wanting to share a dream, then I'd point you to the blogs or a wall post for next time.

So, for this to be a good short story, it needs more meat. Right now, the prose pretty much tells us the bare bones of what happened. It doesn't stop to describe anything, it just goes from one thing to another. It's okay if you make a few things up that didn't happen in the dream for the sake of good storytelling. Dreams make good inspiration for stories, but there's a reason most authors don't follow dreams to the letter: They jump around. They're unpredictable. They don't translate very well into stories in their natural state. You have to change things around, fill in the gaps. I'd recommend using the dream you had as a sort of guideline for the story without following it exactly. This will help make it more complete, and balance the dream you had with a good story. I hope you're able to understand what I'm getting at; feel free to ask questions if you don't. :D

Another way to improve this story is to change up the structure of your sentences. Right now, there's a lot of, "we then did this" and "then this happened". Try reading your story to yourself and noting when it starts to sound repetitive. That can help you identify where you can change it, and also improve the storytelling.

One last thing: I'm not sure why you put the ellipses in the title. I think they're unnecessary, and I'd recommend removing them.

Overall, this sounds like it has the potential to be made into a very interesting short story. However, as it is, it comes across as a blog or wall post. Thanks for sharing, and keep on writing! :)






Thank you



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Sat Nov 28, 2015 9:23 am
TJ77 says...



This is absurd. But quite interesting and funny as well.






Well yes ha ha it is a dream and they are very odd




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