I was never free
with wings tangled sheets
of our withered union.
A milky sun sighs ghostly
upon the chill of day.
And I was never free
branded and plagued
by a past good enough
to smite the present.
So I water the vase
of flowered dreams,
where I picked memories
from the stems up,
forgetting the soil
that would have clung
from the roots below
if I had but pulled
without haste,
and I fear the day
when water won't suffice.
No, I was never free
with writhing wings
the mock dust
of a moth.
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Canary word: Present
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125,013 Literary Works • 672,842 Reviews
Heya TheDoctor, I am here to give a thorough review of your poem.I have to say before I start that I really liked the idea of it.
Anyways,let's begin,shall we?
I see that you have a lot of imagery here and I really do think that this is a good way of showing it. The moth, the plant,etc. gives us mental picture on what is the meaning of this poem.However, since this is talking about a moth/butterfly you could really incorpate the sense of touch here to add a little bit of variety.For example:
"The pads of my feet touched . . ."
"________ tickled my wings."
Those are just some suggestions,but you can come up with any creative thing that you would like.
I think that you need to add more proper punctuation and commas to the end of each line if needed. Remember, an easy and quick way to do this is to just read the poem out loud a couple of times,see where you naturally pause, and then note that.Here is just an example of the first stanza:
A pause/comma makes a big difference in the sound of the word and the oral presentation.
Alright,for neatness and good eye visuals I would suggest formatting this on YWS into stanzas. Now I know that this may be tricky because I haven't either mastered it yet,but here is an amazingly helpful article. It's a great resource to refer back to.
I saw some words that didn't need to be there or some awkwardly phrases here.Let me point them out to you:
An adverb and an adjective in one sentence?! I think that you just more clearly substitute another word for 'sigh' and crossout ghostly.The thesaurus is your friend.
Alright, I think that the word 'enough' was not in the general style of your poem and so it just kind of pops out at me in the text. It's very modern I guess and I think that you could used another more old-fashioned word for it.
I personally didn't feel anything about this poem. It evoked no emotion in me, like many other well-written poems do.Ask yourself,as the author,"What is the purpose of this poem?"I also felt like it was really hard to follow along and so I personally got lost and had to reread it about three times. You don't want your reader doing that,they should generally understand what is going on.
Also, I agree with fantasydragon that the rhythm was just off in this poem.You maybe repeated this line three times:
I think that if you want to make more of an impact then you should just repeat the exact same line without adding that extra word at the beginning.
I recognize your attempt here,at being fancy by placing that 'but' in the middle but it really doesn't need to be here. Take it out and see if the lines still make sense,because to me,they do make sense without it.
So I really like your strong first line,but your last line left me confused with questions about it.
So the title of this poem is Lament of the Butterfly. A butterfly and a moth are two different creatures,so which one are you describing and talking about in this poem? I want to know which insect so that I can better classify it
That's it from me and I hope that this review helps you improve your writing.
You did a good job on the poem. I just, however, could not really follow it. I know that the poem was not meant to rhyme, but the rhythmm was a little off. I did like the descriptions and your choice of words. That was well-taken care of.
I liked your quote:
"So I water the vase of flowered dreams."
That quote was very creative.
Good luck and keep writing!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Very truly yours,
fantasydragon01.
Hello Doctor!! Like your poem and the way you describe yourself (the butterfly). Also I get the feeling that you're held back or caged by something by the way you say "I was never free" repeatedly. The flow of your poem was nice and not choppy which made it easier to read. Anyway, keep up the good work!!
I.
Am.
Batman.
Heyo Doc, xJ here for a review.
Hiii! I liked this poem, it had a nice vibe to it (I hate that word but whatever). Laments are great, because your little Butterfly has Its own theme/poem. Cute. Anyway, onto the nitpicky stuff.
So, that beginning. I was never free with wings tangled sheets of our withered union." I feel like you should either have a comma between "wings" and "tangled" or you need to rewrite this part completely. It doesn't sound right because it isn't. "Wings tangled sheets" just doesn't make sense. Try to fix that, I guess.
And this line: "that would have clung" The rest of the poem is in present tense. And this line is in past tense as well: "if I had but pulled" But other than all that, I'd say this was a nice poem. The ending didn't make sense, you need a comma in there SOMEWHERE.
Favorite Lines: "A milky sun sighs ghostly upon the chill of day."
"So I water the vase of flowered dreams,"
Nice work, but try to fix those little things.
May your travels through space and time be merry,
-xJ ❤︎
Hello Tuesday here for a review. i like to begin that i have always loved laments; since in themselves they hold a true meaning of life or they have a message that only the people who read between the lines can understand. Also, like this poem has, a rhyming scheme that repeats the the first line in the stanza (almost like a chorus or something). Also like laments, the have sad ending to them (almost morning in a sense), which this poem captures nicely.. *sorry for rambling, just my way of saying something is nice or whatever*.
just a suggestion here for this. I would add -like since it seems, more or less, unfinished in a sense. it would read with wings like tangled sheets or leave it since it could be for dramatic flare but might wanna add a comma in there somewhere, as a complete thought or something.Nitpick(s):
Also, even though that is that is how the poem is being wrote as, i didn't enjoy the little stanzas. i mean most poems that do this, add punctuation afterwards like commas or colon or anything else yet most poems also have your type of style which would be a lament style. It is totally fine leaving it without the punctuation, but i just thought i should say that since it seemed to bother me.
Overall, i would say that this poem is kinda made me laugh in the sense that the butterfly is actually a moth. Also how is is morning to be a butterfly when it is (and also) be a moth; sorta like the prince and the pauper in a sense or something. Enjoyed the rhyming scheme and thought that the moth can be who wants to be.
Farewell,
Tuesday