Young Writers Society

Hey there Day! Alex here for my first review in a long time!
Wow! Lots and lots of really interesting language in this poem! Pretty much every phrase seemed thought out and planned. I also love how the whole thing is actually a message about (I think) how beauty in the world is admired but then forgotten, ignored and destroyed after we have got bored of it or start taking it for granted.
The second stanza I think was very interesting device wise. You included lots of references to other stories like Venus and Proserpine (One roman the other greek right?). Usually so many doesn't work in one place but I think picking out the most defining feature from each of them really works in showing the beauty of the person.
To be honest their isn't a huge amount to improve about this! I feel like a few lines felt a bit- cut off such as:

It was a bright, fresh morn;
I stepped outside

This was great, I quite like it, although I'm not one for nature poems all that much (I realise that this can also be called a 'love' poem, but to me it screamed nature!) I liked the pace, and how it changed in parts, in keeping with tone of the poem. I liked the feeling of, I don't know how to describe it more eloquently, 'once it's gone, it's gone' which is the vibe I got from this poem - which made the brevity of the "Innocent Beauty" all that more powerful!

I'll try and point out a few things mote specific now, that I liked/disliked, in order to help you:
"An Innocent Beauty,
Pure as can be,
Dancing in the light breeze."
I really liked the assonance here, as it really does capture the motion of someone ''dancing in the light breeze'', swaying to-and-fro, so I applaud you for that technique.

"Her beauty rivaled Venus’,
Her chastity Diana’s;
Her simplicity
Was the embodiment
Of homely Vesta;
Looking for all the world
Created by Proserpine herself;"
- with respect to the above section, I believe less would be more here. Comparing the Beauty to maybe one or two Goddesses, would have been ample, but it loses its power when you over-repeat it - which is the impression that I got from this phrase.

"As by an invisible thread
To pluck her off
And carry her inside."
Again, this phrase made her seem so fragile and tender, as if at any moment she could be plucked and gone forever (foreshadowing, perhaps?)


"But Alas!" - simple, but effective way of showing a change in tone. Although the word "Alas!" seemed a bit out-of-place to me. Perhaps you used it in order to try and capture the suddent change in tone and mirror it, but, even still, it still stuck out to me as out-of-place within the poem.

"The first of spring:
First to come,
First to be loved,
First to be marred,
First to go."
- yet another excellent technique in repetition. I liked the fact that you didn't overdo it, but you slowed down the pace, kept it mellow, and it's almost understatement is what gave it its power.

"The Finer Things In Life-
Which are Seen,
And Praised,
Then quickly Forgotten;"
- I feel that after "Forgotten" there should be a full-stop, a semi-colon works, but I feel the poem would benefit, as the subsequent change-in-tone would be signalled by the full-stop (if you know what I mean!)

Well, that's me done here, just thought I'd say that I loved the poem, there's nothing too major that's wrong with it, just a few nips and tucks here and there, but even then those would be down to your artistic license, and most of them don't deter from the poem itself.
By the way, my interpretation of the poem is that you are talking about a flower/flowers, and that is the "Innocent Beauty" that society has no patience for. It's also a justified interpretation in my mind as you talk about Mother Nature, and granted while she does tend to make humans, I felt it leaned more toward a flower for some reason.
Here's a list of two poems that this one reminded me of, thought it would be of help:
'Love's Deceit' - Big Rube:
here's the poem - http://wordsofapoet.com/2008/12/22/atl- ... -big-rube/
here's it being narrated by the poet - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7YhzQ9ZAX8s
'The Rose that Grew from the Concrete' - Tupac Shakur:
http://www.poemhunter.com/poem/the-rose ... oncrete-2/

If you have any further need to contact me about this review, don't hesitate! Also, you can contact me about those poems, too, if you like. I'd love to here your opinion on them. Take care, now