Published September 3, 2009
Can not breathe
Can not see
Can not bare
this weight put on me
Can not walk
Can not touch
Can not deal with this
It is all too much
The dreams are absurd
words not meant to be heard
only in my mind
Sulking
Sighing
Tearing myself down
All of these words
I my mind they are burned
Ashes of my dreams
they were not as they seemed
Because I am a failure in life
with a head full of strife
What's there for me now!
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141,276 Literary Works • 674,333 Reviews
First, let me say that you have my sympathy. When I read this, it was like you were looking into my eyes, straight into my mind, and reading what you saw there. I feel exactly like that right now, and since this poem hit me that hard, I really cannot find anything wrong with it. Well done, and may you find happiness someday. I sure wish I could.....
Sorry if I seem kind of harsh in my review. I put a lot of my own thoughts and opinions into my critiques and you should feel free to ignore any of the advice that I give. Anyways, on to the review:
If I were you I would reword the first two stanzas so that the "can not's" became "unable to's." Even if you choose to keep it the same, however, they should be spelle "cannot" instead of "can not." Also, some of the words are misspelled. I also starred some words that I felt were rather weak and listed suggestions below.
*either replace with a more vivid verb such as thrust or just delete it
This section makes it seem like you're trying too hard to rhyme and putting things in that just don't fit in with the rest of the poem. I would either reword it or delete it.
These lines were actually fine how they were, I just think it sounds sort of cool this way.
Honestly, this whole stanza seems sort of forced. You really need to stop worrying so much about making things rhyme and choose words that give the poem rhythm, meaning, and depth. I would suggest reworking the stanza.
Overall, it was a pretty good poem. My main complaints would be 1)you're describing what is supposed to be a really emotional time but don't put enough feeling into it or manage to convey any emotion to the readers, and 2)you worry too much about making things rhyme. Other than that, though, awesome poem. Keep up the good work!
Hello, I don't feel I want to critique a poem in which you have clearly been so brave and so open.
It was an interesting read and I do hope (if this is a reflection of how you're feeling right now) you fell better soon.
Thank you