Chapter One
Loki
I’m coming undone...
One would be amazed at how much blood, blackened limbs, and red and orange flames I’ve seen tonight. I, personally, was extremely flabbergasted at how I could watch the people that took care of me for all my eight years, die before my very eyes and not shed a single tear. Maybe it was because they were the ones who hated me. Maybe it was because I have heard them calling me a ‘demon’s child’ or ‘spawn of the devil’ for far too long.
I didn’t seem to care about anything anymore.
I was drunk with hysteria. Sirens wailed in the distance. The dying screamed, reaching out to me for help. I didn’t reach back. I sat and watched in silent horror as the flames licked them dry.
I knew the reason for my lack of sympathy. They may have taken care of me, but they had done a terrible job. Anything bad that happens in this house, they would blame me. ‘Oh, it must have been the servant’s boy’.
Servant’s boy. Devil’s child. The kids never ceased to call me omega. I ate last. I slept last. I did everything in their shadow.
Tonight, it’s over.
At long last, they will fall. I’ve been waiting for this for far too long.
I refuse to show sympathy. They brought this on themselves.
This, by far, is my favourite birthday.
“Happy birthday to you...” I whispered, walking through the hot flames. Charred bodies were everywhere. I was surprised that I haven’t gone mad yet.
Or have I?
“Happy birthday to you...” As the embers rose my hands and clothes stank of gasoline. I had done it. This was my beautiful creation.
“Happy birthday, dear Loki...” Smoke filled my lungs. Poisoning it. I felt my body crash onto the ground.
Dancing flames, dancing flames...
I fell into darkness.
Happy birthday to you...
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138,167 Literary Works • 672,079 Reviews
Hey Crimson, Stella here!
I. NITPICKS
Much doesn't agree with the last two items on your list. But good first line!
flabbergasted is strong enough without the "extremely." Don't go purple.
Do you mean, like, a nickname, or is this metaphorical because omega comes last? Is it some turn of phrase in your part of the world I've just never heard of? (Ignore me if so.)
Okay, I've just noticed you've switched tenses. Pick a tense, past or present, and stick to it.
The "as" suggests that it's a definitive action following. Your hands and clothes didn't stink just as the embers rose, they were stinking anyway, one didn't cause the other, they're not happening simultaneously to end simultaneously or... I don't know if I'm making any sense at all! "Stink" just seems to passive a verb to use in an "as" clause...
Poisoning them, maybe?
II. OVERALL
Wow! This is a powerful piece of writing and really, really creepy. Unnervingly so. A few things I noticed going through-
Purple prose- there were only one or two instances of it, so I'm not going to make a big deal of it, but just be careful. Don't use (to exaggerate the case a little) "A blinding, painfully beautiful hue of azure" when good old, "bright blue" will do. Of course it's fun to use other words, but the example of "extremely flabbergasted"- well, it sounds like a thesaurus, see? The best way to depurple if you're afraid of doing it is just to relax. Sometimes, the simple things are the best things.
Tense- again, make sure that your tense is constant the whole way through. If you want to write in present, fine! If you want to write in past, fine! If you want to write in future, um... fine? Just make sure that you're faithful to your chosen tense.
Overall, though, nicely done.
Hope I helped, drop me a note if you need anything!
-Stella x
It's dark and twisted! I like it. You can tell the MC truly has no emotional attachment to those who just perished as he's enjoying or stoically watching their demise. This wasn't long but a lot was being said. My only advice would be to use double quotes " " when repeating something someone's said, if the MC were repeating this in dialogue, then use single quotes ' '. Other than that, it was lovely and off to read more.
Grandison
Wow, violent.
I really liked it!
It was kind of confusing at first, but i like how you wrote from the point of veiw that you did. It was an interesting side to the story that most people never hear. I think it's funny that you had him say that at least he hasn't gone insane yet. I liked you choice of words and good job describing what was happening!
Alright, i think that's it.
Keep writing!
Wow, violent.
I really liked it!
It was kind of confusing at first, but i like how you wrote from the point of veiw that you did. It was an interesting side to the story that most people never hear. I think it's funny that you had him say that at least he hasn't gone insane yet. I liked you choice of words and good job describing what was happening!
Alright, i think that's it.
Keep writing!
Wow, violent.
I really liked it!
It was kind of confusing at first, but i like how you wrote from the point of veiw that you did. It was an interesting side to the story that most people never hear. I think it's funny that you had him say that at least he hasn't gone insane yet. I liked you choice of words and good job describing what was happening!
Alright, i think that's it.
Keep writing!
Wow
This was a great first chapter. I loved your language and I loved the background you set for Loki. (I'm evil, I like dark pasts... Haha.) Your grammar was excellent, your plot was interesting as well. I loved it from the first line. Fantastic job on this~ c:
I really enjoyed this, although it elt a bit like a prologue, being a bit short and all. I enjoyed the suspense, it kept and held my attention. The title of the novel, and than the chapter got me. (I can't overlook things with titles like this, possibly because it reminds me of KoRn.) I will definately be reading chapter two in a few moments.
This is a really good first chapter. It caught my attention and I held it. I'm looking forward to reading the rest of your chapters and possibly other works. Keep writing and Good luck.
Hi!
I think you did a real neat job with the chapter name - that's what attracted me first.
And, you have a lot of action going on in just the first chapter. I'm assuming some house is burning down.
The only thing is, (and my only stickler really), is it realistic that he would honestly feel nothing at all? There's some justification that they didn't treat him right, but even so, it's a human instinct to bond with the people you live with. Judging from the fact that we started off in clans, and even groups of people from the beginning our history, it doesn't seem believeable that he really feels nothing at all.
Well, I'm assuming that you're going to justify this with later chapters, so keep writing! Nice first chapter, and hope to see more!
Hi Crimson!
Wow. I loved that. There was a lot of suspense and you didn't reveal what Loki did. It also surprised me to hear Loki was eight years old and yet he could so something like that.
I was wondering however, how come Loki could speak nearly flawlessly with lots of good adjectives and with good grammar if he was only 8? Did he have a high IQ?
Also, this felt a little bit like a prologue instead of a first chapter. It was quite short, yet nothing was revealed.
Overall, I thought that was great. Lots of questions rose in my head and I really want to know more. Can you notify me when the next chapter is up?
Mac