Ladies and gentlemen,
Boys and girls,
May I have your full, undivided attention, please?
I would like all of you to close your eyes,
And imagine a world full of hate and greed.
A world where we will have to eat our own trash and breathe in dirty air,
A world in which love does not exist,
And a world where we do nothing but cry.
I want you to imagine a world where we live under cardboard and rubble,
A world where your own family member becomes your worst enemy,
And a world where stealing seems like the only right thing to do.
It’s only thing you can do in order to live.
Open your eyes.
Slowly, this world is becoming a reality.
Slowly, gradually...
The human race will cease to exist.
We have the power to change.
So what are we waiting for?
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138,079 Literary Works • 672,071 Reviews
I already see that happening. Nice writing I love that part especially.
Hello TheCrimsonQuill,
It wasn't the first part the really bothered me it was the question, it left the poem at a part where I had expected you to just begin going into greater depth and introducing a new way of thinking.I thought this was a really powerful poem that captured the emotion and I love how you expressed so many different feelings into one. Like Daisuki mentioned, this poem does have an important, interesting and very good message. Part of what made this spark was the passion that you felt personally and the empathy you made other people feel without having to insult them or bribe them, which is basically what poetry is all about, making the reader feel how you feel and getting them to think in your shoes. Now for some nit picks and tips.
Firstly, with the layout of your poem I think it was unnecessary to leave a line between each line. it's not that there is any real issue with you doing that but most people prefer it if they don't have to scroll down the page so much. just a little tip for the future, try and avoid leaving lines in my opinion it looks fine, better even, without the extra lines being left between everything.
I also agree with shiney1 about the ending being a bit weak. I wouldn't agree with shiney1 that it was very weak but I do think you could have ended it with a better question or perhaps rephrased the one you already have.
I am curious though as to why you put this in the 'other forum' rather than the 'other poetry forum' or another one of the poetry forums, because those forums have been designed especially for poets and those better at reviewing poetry so I can guarantee you would have got more reviews and possibly even better reviews had you posted it in those forums. just something to think about, because i doubt poets click on the 'other forum' to read and review poems.
I agree with everyone else about the opening though this was without doubt my favorite part of the poem and I loved the concept of talking to young people and getting them to use their imagination, the simplicity of this part was great and you were very good at grabbing peoples attention and opening the poem!
Overall this was a very good poem and you are an excellent poet. I enjoyed reading your poem and I struggled to criticize and find flaw in such an amazing, thoughtful, complex poem that you have written. Keep up the good work and I look forward to seeing some of the work that I'm sure you will produce int the future. Make sure you PM me if you want another review or you just want to hear an opinion.
From DreamingForever
Hey, shiney1 here!
I like this...piece. Not sure what it is. But I agree with most of it. This is indeed what the world is like to some people, people who are struggling to live and have no on to trust and nowhere to turn.
There is not much at all that I find wrong with this piece at all. But I feel that the ending could have been stronger, a lot more stronger. You could add more feeling, for the ending kind of left me feeling empty.
Nice attention-grabber!
That's it from me
This poem has a really great message, and you get it across without being preach-y. You give the images, almost as if you are talking to small children, and I think that hits the reader quite strongly. It hit me, anyways.
The serperation between the two parts was well, placed I think.
I love the opening:
It threw me off slightly, because it gave the impression that this would be rhyming, but I love it anyways. It really says, "Listen up. I'm saying something important." And you are.
-Dai
Hi there! Great poem! I think this could inspire more people to make a change in the world. It inspired me! I only came across one mistake:
I think you meant 'rubble.' Other than that great work. Keep it up!