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16+ Language

The Yellow: Chapter 1

by TheCornDogEnthusiast


Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language.

Prologue

“Hello residents of New York City. For your safety, we are now putting our city on lockdown. This means that no one is allowed to leave their homes, and those who do, they may only pray to God that they survive. The reason for this lockdown is not important. For those who know, they know. For those who don’t,

SAVE 

YOURSELF

WHILE YOU CAN

Rumors have been spread across the city that a gang is lurking in the streets. We can deny these allegations and nothing like that is currently occurring. More information on the lockdown will be reported soon. We thank you for understanding. And if you don’t…

He’ll get you.

HELL WILL GET YOU.”

The sirens started blaring, ear piercing noises that would make any man scared out of his mind. Those sirens went on for days, they bounced around the city and could be heard from miles away. I know because I was there.

I was the one who started it all.

New York City

1982

Chapter 1

Mr. DeLoyt slaps down a pile of papers.

“Come sit, Q.” He waves his hand at the chair in front of his desk.

I walk up to the chair and sit down, a bead of sweat runs down my arm. He licks his two fingers and turns the page of a packet. He reads it and then turns to me.

He sighs. “Quentin, I’m afraid we’re gonna hafta fire you.”

“Wait, what? Why? I’m one of the best workers here! I-I’m a CPA for your industry. One a’ the best in the country! Why would you wanna fire me?”

I try to get a reason out of him, but he just doesn’t tell me.

“Why are you firing me? You have to have a good reason!” I cry.

“If you want to know so badly, I’ll tell you.”

“Thank you. See? That wasn’t so-”

“You're a classified psychopath. Your doctors sent us this.” He holds up a file.

I twitch. “I’m sorry, I must’ve heard wrong. What?”

“Over time, your doctors have noticed your behavior and have confirmed you a potential psychopath. Now, they suggested you should not be allowed in a building like this for a while.”My face heats up, my fists clench and my teeth start to grind together. DeLoyt scoots his chair back. He presses a button on his phone.

“Uh, can I get security up here? We have a problem.”

“No need, George. I’ll be on my way. But I’ll have you know, I’ll be back, this company will crumble down without me.”

“Yeah, uh huh. Sure, Q.” He doesn’t even look up at me.

I can’t believe it, me, a psychopath. Those doctors are spitting straight bullshit. I’m not a psychopath, I’m far from it. Hell, I’m completely fine. My mind is racing. I’m unemployed, I’m no longer making money. Soon, I won’t have the money to take care of him, and then, myself. I rush throughout the office building, bumping into interns and workers as I make my way to the elevator. I get looks from the workers, all staring at me as if I’m crazy. A guy bumps into me, his coffee spilling on my yellow button down.

“Oh, sir! I’m so sorry!”

I grab his necktie and tighten it. He pulls back and catches his breath.

“Hey! What the hell’s the matter with you?!” He exclaims, punching my arm.

I grab his mug and toss it to him, he catches it late, hitting him in the chest. He stares at me and looks around for other workers to see if what he was seeing was seen by others. I press the button for the elevator, I keep pressing it. Each time I press it harder, hoping the elevator will arrive sooner. The soft ding of the elevator goes off and the doors slowly open. I step in the elevator and turn around, seeing all of my former co-workers stare at me. My now soulless, dead eyes stare back. The door shuts and I get a sense of anger, a longing for something, something to fill a hole inside of me, a longing for something, I just don’t know what.

The elevator dings and the doors open. I look over at the receptionist. She starts to talk to me.

“Mr. Squibble! Where are you going?” She pushes her pointy glasses up.

“Home.”

“Well sir, it’s only 10:30. Work ends at 5:00, you know that.”

“I was fired, miss.”

Before she can ask any more questions, I’m out the door, walking down the busy streets of New York. My hair is messy, it sticks up in all directions. My clothes are wrinkled and wet from the coffee. My skin is bright red, my veins are popping out, the grooves in my arm feel as if they could be plucked out and used to strangle a man. I cross a street, the walk sign is not on. The familiar white man is not on the small screen. The red hand seems to tell me to stop but I ignore it. I keep my head down, I don’t look around. I hear the loud honking of a truck. I tune my head to the left to see a braking van. The driver shakes his fist and shouts, but I cannot hear him. All I hear is my thoughts getting louder as time goes on. The overwhelming urge to just scream out was so strong. Stronger than I thought it could ever be.

I make it to my apartment. I pull out my keys and shove them in the lock. The door swings open and I throw my briefcase on the couch. I take off my necktie and hang it on the hook next to my door. I sigh and sit down on the couch. I look outside the window to see a gloomy sky. I need to find a way to make money, and fast. I start to think, a way to provide for my brother. His cancer isn’t getting any better, so I better think of something sooner than later. I hear a siren. I get up to go look out to see cop cars chasing a runaway car. It speeds down the street, bills flying in the air. A man pulls out a gun and starts firing at the police. They chase down the street, running into newsstands and other cars.

And then I got an idea.

A really good idea.


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16 Reviews

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Tue Jun 20, 2023 5:02 am
Irishpride13 wrote a review...



"I got a little goosebumps at the beginning and it reminded me a bit of 'The Purge,' the first movie."

then you fallow up with crazy I'm not crazy then this let me fix that for you
I'm taking about this part
"I grab his necktie and tighten it. He pulls back and catches his breath."

Towards the end, it becomes evident that he is succumbing to the grip of insanity, teetering on the edge and flirting with its dangerous allure. He finds himself contemplating the idea of committing morally ambiguous acts for what he perceives as justifiable reasons.




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Sat Jun 17, 2023 6:17 pm
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Valkyria wrote a review...



Hello, I hope you're having a wonderful day! I'm here to leave a review on this lovely chapter of yours.

First Impressions: This was a really engaging chapter that I read. The premise is strong, and I enjoyed the characters a lot.

Moving on, the prologue was a strong start to the story. And when it ended with the protagonist admitting that he was the reason the lockdown started intrigued me a lot.

The beginning when it started with the news or government mandate was very suspenseful. I immediately wanted to know what happened.

The reason for this lockdown is not important.

This confused me a little. If I was a resident at this time, I would want to know why there is a lockdown. Maybe you could say that the reason will be revealed later or there is something dangerous and everyone needs to find safety quickly.
I was the one who started it all.

This was a really cool way to end the prologue.

Continuing with the first chapter, I liked that it started right off the bat with an action. We're immediately introduced to the protagonist and his boss.
“You're a classified psychopath. Your doctors sent us this.” He holds up a file.

I was not expecting him to say that. And Quentin's reaction was hilarious. I liked that you showed Quentin exhibiting these psychopathic tendencies right after because it tells us exactly why he was fired.
I start to think, a way to provide for my brother. His cancer isn’t getting any better, so I better think of something sooner than later.

Aww, his poor brother. I like that this is a way for the audience to root for Quentin, even if he ends up making some poor choices. I wonder if the reveal of his brother and the cancer could have been kept secret for another chapter or two, so the mystery could keep building. But, I do like how financial security is possibly the big conflict that Quentin is facing.

Overall, this was a fun first chapter! Quentin stewing in his anger is an essential part of his character, and his desperation to provide for his brother could lead to some good conflicts. I can't wait to read more!

P.S. I noticed that this story is noted as a script. Maybe you could change it to Novel or Short Story when you get the chance because people may get confused if they click on this story thinking it was a script and see that it's not.




TheCornDogEnthusiast says...


Thank you for the review and that it was set to a script!



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Sat Jun 17, 2023 11:46 am
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AkuRashomon wrote a review...



Hi there! This is loveissourgrapes and I am here to review your chapter. It's been awhile since I got to read an interesting plot of a novel/chapter. The cover art of this is great too!

“Hello residents of New York City. For your safety, we are now putting our city on lockdown. This means that no one is allowed to leave their homes, and those who do, they may only pray to God that they survive. The reason for this lockdown is not important. For those who know, they know. For those who don’t,

SAVE

YOURSELF

WHILE YOU CAN

Rumors have been spread across the city that a gang is lurking in the streets. We can deny these allegations and nothing like that is currently occurring. More information on the lockdown will be reported soon. We thank you for understanding. And if you don’t…

He’ll get you.

HELL WILL GET YOU.”

The story starts out telling people in your story to stay in their houses because a dangerous gang have been recently lurking around the street of new York City. And the only thing they can do is to pray to God and live to survive. I do not understand the sentence, "The reason for this lockdown is not important." When the warning in this prologue seems very rushed and important. Or it may be just a error. Some people know, some people don't.
The phrase and sentences in all caps mean they are important. This writing style may be new to me but it is nice to give that suspense feeling in the story as well. The lines, "He'll get you" and "HELL WILL GET YOU." Give off different meanings. The first sounds like something about a man but the other talks about something like hell. so I think that can give us hints about the plot of your story.

"The sirens started blaring, ear piercing noises that would make any man scared out of his mind. Those sirens went on for days, they bounced around the city and could be heard from miles away. I know because I was there.

I was the one who started it all.

New York City

1982"

The descriptions of the sirens as ear piercing was great and gives that intense feeling once again and how the sound bounced around the city and the narrator could hear it from miles away. The line saying that the narrator started it had me wanting to know more about who the narrator is and what did he do? Then it ends with the date which I think it like a diary. But if you were thinking about the flow of the story. Overall, the prologue is good. It tells how the story goes but doesn't give big hints and make your readers question about your story. Because I have read a few prologues and they give almost everything of their story. So their prologue does not make their readers read more of their stories.

Now to the main chapter. I'm blaming you because my hands are cramping because of typing this review. *sighs* It's good though.

Mr. DeLoyt slaps down a pile of papers.

“Come sit, Q.” He waves his hand at the chair in front of his desk.

I walk up to the chair and sit down, a bead of sweat runs down my arm. He licks his two fingers and turns the page of a packet. He reads it and then turns to me.

He sighs. “Quentin, I’m afraid we’re gonna hafta fire you.”

“Wait, what? Why? I’m one of the best workers here!”

I try to get a reason out of him, but he just doesn’t tell me.

“Why are you firing me? You have to have a good reason!” I cry.

“If you want to know so badly, I’ll tell you.”

This chapter introduces two characters, the narrator named, Quentin and his boss or something named, Mr. DeLoyt. The narrator, Quentin is getting fired but we do not know what his job is. Is it a policeman or something related to the warning in the prologue since Quentin said he started it? Since in the next lines, Quentin was stated to be a psychopath by doctors giving to Mr. DeLoyt. I'm not putting a little parts here because my hands are tired, phew.

He tires to manipulate his boss saying that the company will crumble down without him. In his head, he said that why would his boss think of him as a psychopath. Thinking he is a normal sane human but as I go further in the story. He gets crazier. I want to read more to see how crazy can Quentin be. Then the next he punches a guy who spilled coffee on his suit. This can show signs that Quentin is a crazy guy. While the elevator dings and opens, the people stare at him either because he looks stupid from what the other guy did to him or some of them possibly know he is a psycho. Then the receptionist asks him why is he leaving. Then, it shows a passive aggressive trace on his character. Then, he just leaves the office.

"Before she can ask any more questions, I’m out the door, walking down the busy streets of New York. My hair is messy, it sticks up in all directions. My clothes are wrinkled and wet from the coffee. My skin is bright red, my veins are popping out, the grooves in my arm feel as if they could be plucked out and used to strangle a man. I cross a street, the walk sign is not on. The familiar white man is not on the small screen. The red hand seems to tell me to stop but I ignore it. I keep my head down, I don’t look around. I hear the loud honking of a truck. I tune my head to the left to see a braking van. The driver shakes his fist and shouts, but I cannot hear him. All I hear is my thoughts getting louder as time goes on. The overwhelming urge to just scream out was so strong. Stronger than I thought it could ever be.'

the description of a restless, angry and overwhelmed man because getting fired, the spilled coffee, and wrinkled clothes. Then, it shows that he is careless because of how he crosses the roads in new York City, known as a busy city. We also know he is crazy because of not being aware of his surrounds because of his thoughts screaming in his head louder than the sounds around him.

"I make it to my apartment. I pull out my keys and shove them in the lock. The door swings open and I throw my briefcase on the couch. I take off my necktie and hang it on the hook next to my door. I sigh and sit down on the couch. I look outside the window to see a gloomy sky. I need to find a way to make money, and fast. I start to think, a way to provide for my brother. His cancer isn’t getting any better, so I better think of something sooner than later. I hear a siren. I get up to go look out to see cop cars chasing a runaway car. It speeds down the street, bills flying in the air. A man pulls out a gun and starts firing at the police. They chase down the street, running into newsstands and other cars.

And then I got an idea.

A really good idea."

The descriptions of him shoving his keys in the door's lock just shows how stressed he is. Then, he mentions that his brother has cancer and wants to make money for him and see bad guys on the streets. Firing police, being chased by them. So, he gets an idea.

My clues for the upcoming chapters to come. He will prove the people that he is a psychopath. he will make the crime rate in New York higher, hehe.

My suggestions for your writing. You could put his thoughts in italics and separate his thoughts from his actions. You could explain more about what his former work is.

Overall, i am hyped for more chapters. it is great writing wise and plot wise. Writing can improve but it will be better one day because you seem like a fast learner when it comes to writing. I have enjoyed this very much and now I am tired. Have a great day/night!




TheCornDogEnthusiast says...


Thank you!




Revision is one of the exquisite pleasures of writing.
— Bernard Malamud