The waterfall splits between the cavern, allowing slight access for a person or two. Jett walks ahead, smiling as he motions me to follow, and slips through the watery curtain. I slowly make my way behind him, in absolute awe. The rock that should have been a thick charcoal color is a crisp emerald, just like Jett and Mani’s eyes.
He reaches back and takes my hand, a jolt of electricity fizzling up my arm. Excitedly smiling, he leads me further into the cave until we reach a sapphire pillar. He sets his free hand on it and trails of white light stir within, creating a series of symbols that brush against the cold surface of stone.
“I'm home, Opal,” He whispers dazedly, the symbols following his fingers.
His brother creeps in behind us, staying a few feet behind, and calls Jett’s attention. Letting go of the stone, Jett turns and glances back at Mani. I hesitate before doing the same, the sapphire and light mesmerizing. Ten reptilian creatures surround him, his skin a sickly pale, with staphs crackling with blue light.
“
Help,” Mani whimpers, dropping to his knees.
A staph sticks out from his spine.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,010 Literary Works • 672,839 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
Anyway let's get right to it,
An intriguing start that you've got here...we have what looks to be two friends exploring a gemstone filled cave area behind a waterfall, or that's what I've managed to decipher from things here. You can certainly see the excitement in the eyes of the two, it looks like these two potentially worked pretty hard to get to this place and are very happy at being able to reap the rewards perhaps.
Oh dear...looks like while one of the brothers was distracted by what he was seeing in front of him the other was attacked by what I can only assume are some sort of monsters that were put there to guard this location...and well, it doesn't look like this is going to end will at all, especially considering this is the prologue.
Well, isn't that a lovely cliffhanger, oh wow, it looks like that's about the end of the road for that brother at the very least, you don't usually make it out alive after being impaled right through the chest of all places....and well, a very powerful end to this prologue, certainly makes you quite curious and makes you want to pursue what's to come here.
Overall, a very solid solid piece here, definitely quite effective as a prologue, and it sounds like the kind of story I'd probably continue reading here.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Hey Rocky. Here to review.
Well this certainly takes the cake as the shortest prologue I've ever read, but it does give a few key events, which, however, I felt could be given more importance. The emotional reaction to the reptilian creatures, more description, and so on.
What do you do well is grab interest, which I've noted Pix and MM do as well. Work on that, prolong said interest.
One nitpick:
Should it not be 'staff'?
(this, on the other hand, is the shortest review I've ever done. Hope it helped)
~Ita
Hey Rocky!
Let me first say that I liked how this starts, it was a little hard to follow. But I'm pretty slow sometimes, so it might just be me.
I'm not one to be a Grammar Nazi, but staphs doesn't look right, I'm just saying...
Please continue this story! I want to read more!!!
I really like it, it's just so DIFFERENT. I can't wait to read more!
This is interesting. It defiantly caught my attention. I've always been a fan of fantasy, and I like where this seems to be going.
Overall, I liked your writing a lot, but there were some little things that made it a little hard to read.
"The waterfall splits between the cavern,"
-- This portion of the sentence is a little confusing. Maybe use another word instead of between? I just have a hard time picturing it.
"...as he motions me to follow,"
-- as he motions for me to follow,
"I slowly make my way behind him, in absolute awe."
-- I make my way behind him in awe.
"Excitedly smiling, he leads me further..."
-- Smiling, he leads me further...
"Ten reptilian creatures surround him, his skin a sickly pale, with staphs crackling with blue light."
-- This sentence confused me. Maybe separate your descriptions.
The only other thing that bothered me was how in the last paragraph Mani didn't cry out earlier. If there were ten reptilian creatures surrounding me and there was a staph in my back I would be screaming until the world came down. How did they not notice this before. Other than that, I loved the dramatic ending. It defiantly left me wanting to find out more.
Please write more of this,
--Bee--
Hey there, UpandOut!
I'm not very good at reviewing prologues but I'll do my best to help.
'Excitedly smiling, he leads me' - This reads awkwardly. Try - 'Smiling excitedly'
'“I'm home, Opal,” He whispers dazedly' - 'He' should be written as 'he'
You do a good job of setting the scene here. It feels and pictures like a really magical place which leaves me wondering whether the characters are human or not. You know, whether they have special powers. It makes me wonder where it's set too, like on earth or a place of your own imagination.
I did wonder who Jett was referring to when he said 'Opal'. Is it the place that they're in or is it someone we haven't been introduced to yet?
Also, I think the last part happens way too quickly. Seeing as this is a prologue and we're only just being introduced to the story, I wasn't sure whether the reptilian creatures were friendly or not. I'm guessing not. Maybe you could add in how the MC reacts when she sees them, just so the reader can judge whether they mean good or bad news.
Overall this isn't bad. Like I said, I'm not an expert at reviewing prologues and I don't ever write them myself, but this seems like a nice introduction to a story that sounds like it could be set in an interesting place.
Maybe making it a little bit longer, with a few more details added in about how the MC feels about being in this place, would give it a little more purpose in setting up the story. By her reaction I'm guessing she's never been there before, so show us how she feels.
I hope this helps and if you have any questions post on my wall
xDudettex
Hey Upandout I'm here to go a quick over review hope you like it!
First off I got to say is, I like it, it gives a myserious feel to this which is a good thing, the downside in my opinion is that you didn't give the protaginest a name unless I miss it somehow. Second off it be nice if we knew where this place is in the world, it would give it a bit more interactive feel to it if you did, but like I said that's my opinion. Now not being much to be able to really go on here cause I didn't really see any grammer issues I best wrap this up. So overall I give this startout a eight out of ten on my scale. This has been your review and I hope you enjoyed it and have an awesome day.
Will do, buddy. I did mention the protagonist's name, but just once and it's a bit unclear, I agree. And it probably would have helped to say where everything was taking place. : ) Thanks.
Oh. My. Gods.
Okay, This was amazing, Rocky.
I really like how at the beginning you made the whole thing so detailed! Detailed!! I didn't see one thing wrong with this. I think most prologues should always leave you with a cliff hanger and now I want to read on! Tell me when the next part comes out? Please?!
~Katie
Thanks : ) And I will, promise.