Published February 23, 2006
I wish I had her,
But she’s under his spell,
I just can’t take this,
My passion doesn’t end well.
I spy her elated by him,
It braids my pleasure with pain,
I can no longer endure this,
Because for him it’s nothing but gain.
Their love like a whip excruciates me,
It Lacerates me like I know it would,
But then again,
Ten lashes never felt so good.
Should I try and stand out,
And become freak of the week,
She probably wouldn’t notice me,
I’m just a marching band geek.
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"their love, like a whip, excruciates me"
i didn't think the last stanza went with the rest of the poem. i mean, it wasn't bad, but it didn't have the same vocabulary or tone. it was overloaded with "--eek" terms that sort of made me cringe, even though i love marching band geeks!
(i mean, i'm a colorguard/flag girl. and i've dated half of them. i have to
I thought this was very good, very honest as Reichieru said. I just noticed that a few of the lines seemed out of rhythm so just read it over and make sure it flows how you want it to. Besides that, I have only a few suggestions...
Lacerates is a great word, but you change verb tense in 'know'. I don't know if it's intentional, but I think 'know' should be 'knew' because most all your other verbs are in past tense. Secondly, I think you mean 'then' instead of 'the' in the other line.
Besides that, this was great. You had some great word choice here and I loved the end...
GO MARCHING BAND GEEKS!
I really enjoyed the tone of this poem. It was very honest and very real without being angsty in an annoying way. The rhyme was also used very well. The words felt like they were chosen for a reason, not just because they rhyme, as is so common in rhyming poetry, particularly in your age group.
I wrote this for a person that a care for more than they know. It started out as something i was venting with but it turned into something more