Young Writers Society

I think everyone can agree that the title here was the best part of the poem. The title's amazing. The rest of the poem needs revision.

"You come from a far away place,
One that I cannot describe,"

First of all, you just did describe it. You called it far away. But not describing something is a cop out. A poet can describe anything, if not accurately, beautifully. And "far away place" Though I dread this word, is cliche.

"Still, I am your champion,
But I do not wear armor as I wish I could,
Or ride a stallion as many would come to think,"

This is pretty good. The second line is a bit dry, but some better language could spruce it up.

"All this time,
and you didn't even know it."

These lines are redundant. You expressed this in your title. But more importnatly, it is very anticlimactic. This is hardly an ending. It's a throwaway line. Do not throw away an oppurtunity for a good line.

It didnt stand out, in fact it seemed rather ordinary, as if you didnt put the energy into it.

The title was a good one for the piece. I liked reading it, but it wasn't terribly fresh to me.

At first, when I read it, it didn't really strike me, but then I noticed the title, and that was awesome.

I don't know... the title makes it all that much more potent. If we assume that this is some star-crossed lover, it is boring and clichéd, but because this is an angel and his perspective, then that makes even more special and awesome.

Anyway, good job. Next time, I'll try to read the title.

I'm glad you messaged me to tell me you changed this. In this new form, I find it ten times more easier to read. If you ever linger over this poem again, I beg you to read it aloud - it sounds beautiful that way. An undercover rhythm, I suppose.

This has a beautiful meaning, but some of the lines were a bit awkward - lacking form or flow.

examples:

One I cannot describe,

But I do not wear armor as I wish I could,
Or ride a stallion as many would come to think,