Published August 9, 2011
An open wound, a hidden tear,
One that I am unwilling to share.
How could I when it only causes pain,
To the loved ones I have gained?
They tell me not to blame myself,
But I can blame no one else.
Why, Fate, are you so cruel?
To give me friends and make me a happy fool,
Then let one fall victum to my own mistake,
And force me to see my loved ones' hearts break?
I would have almost preffered to have no friends at all,
In place of seeing one hurt and all the rest fall.
Oh, my wicked heart! Why do you hurt me so?
But now that I have them...I can't let them go.
I have searched too long, all from the start,
To ever allow myself to be apart.
For when a devil sees heaven, he never wants to leave.
But would rather stay and see what he could acheive.
My soul is in despair,
But time, not forgivness with heal this affair.
I will ignore the reality until it is no more,
Then my heart will cease to be sore.
It is as the injury of Night is slowely healed by Day.
I don't think there is any other way.
There is a start of positive change, I can feel it.
My soul is slowely inching near it.
And when the memory ceases, so will the pain.
I just need a moment to plug up my soul's drain.
(I know it's not very good flow wise or structure...but try to understand I don't plan these at all. Bad experiences happen and...they just sort of come to me.)
-TheBlondie
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138,374 Literary Works • 672,110 Reviews
Aww Blondie... I feel your pain. I really liked it, and every time you edit it, it gets better. I don't know what to say, that hasn't already ben said, or you don't already know. Good job. Painful experiences can be good inspiration for writing, and this was clearly painful for you. (Sorry if that sounded insensitive.) Good job keep on writing!!!
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(I like reviewing your work, like Demoness, but I would be interested to see you write something uplifting, just to see how it turns out.
I think you did a fantastic job! This is really cool, and I like the feel you gave to it. Honestly, i thought you did a great job with the flow of the words and I only found one spelling mistake! i like how you went from feeling bad and upset to having hope. it was a good way to end it!
As always, Keep writing!
Thank you all for your comments! And a special thanks for being gentle about it. Yea...I'm a horrible speller, sorry. Thanks so much, I enjoyed your remarks!
-TheBlondie
Hi there!
I enjoyed reading this poem. I could tell you put a lot of thought into it and that it's very personal.
This rhyme is a little forced. Gained has the -ed sound that you don't hear in the word pain.
Watch your spelling. It should be victim.
This was my favorite part of the whole poem. There's a lot of emotion in these two lines. I like it!
I think if you take out the word 'them' it'll flow much better.
Those were just some of my suggestions. As you said, things happen and you just decide to write about them. Obviously you know more about this than me, so if my revisions don't fit, don't use them.
Great job! Keep writing!
Hello, We meet again! I like reviewing and reading your work, they're always very neat and there's never much picking appart to do. I always feel like I have to mention the short/long lines though. Here, as in the other works of yours I've read, you have great structure of your stanzas but at a few occations you have one or two lines that are either too long or too short and that disrupt the flow. This is though, the only flaw I was able to register
The rest was great, lovely, smooth flow for the better part, nice rhymes - none forced and an amazing content overall. Nice job!
Good Luck & Keep Writing
// Demoness
I think the idea of poetr isn't exactly literary flow but it should feel flowing to the heart and mind and real poetry that comes from the heart has a natural flow.
to .........................I would have almost preffered to have no friends at all,This statement could be smaller and more effective
An open wound, ................. can blame no one else.The flow and rhyming scheme here is amazing, very genuine.
Why, Fate, are you so cruel?This statement breaks the natural flow, but after reading the whole para it falls in though. Maybe you could change it to something that comes easier to YOU. it's your work, your mind. But it's still gr8 this way...................victumvictim, spelling error.
In place of seeing one hurt and all the rest fallThis one could use some alteration too.
Oh, my wicked heart! Why do you hurt me so?But now that I have them...I can't let them go.This was really nice:)..............
color=#40BF00]For when a devil sees heaven, he never wants to leave.[/color]
My soul is in despair,But time, not forgivness with heal this affair.Good statements, don't change
.It is as the injury of Night is slowely slowly, spelling errorhealed by Day.I don't think there is any other way.There is a start of positive change, I can feel it.My soul is slowely inching near it.And when the memory ceases, so will the pain.I just need a moment to plug up my soul's drain.