Published August 9, 2011
My life feels cold and dead,
It is the death that I dread.
The innocent body lying stiff and cold,
Dead before they could get close to old.
The closed eyes and open mouth in a silent plea.
My job, my duty, I failed at the deed.
Why did it have to happen? I don't know.
Why did the soul leave the body as cold as snow?
The sight used to leave me frightened at night.
But now, I just morn and see no light.
Who could, in the mist of all this darkness?
I loved them with all my heart,
But we were late with the start.
It was bad enough going through it one time,
But through it twice...the feeling cannot be expressed in any rhyme.
Rose and Clover, the names I will forever cherish.
For they are the names of those who perished.
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138,940 Literary Works • 672,331 Reviews
I like this feeling that you give to the words. Just a few tips, though.
I don't really see the rhyming scheme, and you don't have to have a set one. Just letting you know.
And the word: "morn" should be "mourn."
Also, "close to old" seems a little wordy.
But I really like what you're doing here! Keep up the poetry! I would like to see more!
It's okay, I understand completely. I just never plan these. They just sorta come when sad things happen.
-TheBlondie
I like it, very sad. I agree with Demoness, the lines don't flow they way they could, and the rhyme doesn't have a pattern. Also, the first stanza is the only one with a fifth line, so the rythem is different. I think you've got a good base here, a good starting point. You could do a little work on it and turn it into a really heart-wrenching piece. I like the story, but I might add a stanza about how Rose and Clover died, or what exctly the speakers job was. But I like it! I would give it a solid B. Keep it up!
(Sorry if it seems a little harsh, I'm what you would call blunt when it comes to reviewing.)
Hehe, thanks! There is no pattern because I sort of just write these...I don't plan them at all.
Thanks again!
-TheBlondie
I like this poem! It's like so many other poems I've read and still very original! I like the theme and the structure of the stanzas allthough I feel like some of your lines are too long and disrupt the flow. Also, your rhymes are great but there doesn't seem to be a pattern to where you put them... I miss that in this. Overall, it was a good poem which I would grade with a good old B+
Hope I could be of help
Good Luck & Keep Writing
// Demoness