Published December 31, 2010
(This story will be written in two different formats, one which are the letters, and second which are the recorded logs of the central character. Because I couldn't figure out how to cross through the text in the letters like I had on the original document, I put it in the spoiler. So please read that. ;] Um, this is a draft, please review. Yeah, it's weird and doesn't make much sense now. But roll with it. ^^')
October 9, 2009
4:36 PM
The patient has agreed to disclose personal information.
...Back then, we were referred to as gods. The others before, those like me, we could create, annihilate in equal measure. The physical world was putty in our capable hands, and as far as anyone else was concerned, we could not be stopped in our frantic remodeling of the universe. But the "god-maker" had its own agenda. One would refuse to alter, repair, refuse to birth another lovely Athenian being from our aching skulls, and that diabolical little media-proclaimed "miracle" would evacuate its unwilling host to infect another able-minded victim.
I was warned in the beginning that this would happen someday, someday when the "god-maker" was all I had left and when the world became all mine. The warnings, though, they didn't really matter, not in the heat of the moment, when all the stars are perfectly aligned and every dreamy cliché has taken root in one's formerly, exaggeratedly tormented life. I remember the feeling of invincibility. It was heavy, like lead weights hanging from thick rope around my neck, but it provided that almost pleasurable burning sensation that comes after a long run.
Through the mental exhaustion and physical pain came an enlightenment worthy of Buddha and an emptiness resembling...something empty. With those sensations, both alike in being misunderstood, I felt for the first time in my nineteen years a freedom that I had never even imagined gaining. With the enlightenment, I understood that what time I had left on this earth was open for me to bend at my will while any Alterations would ultimately die along with me, and I was okay with that notion. With the emptiness, I realized why whatever deity or deities had exploded this universe into being had taken that first disastrous and beautiful step into the unknown. Every new creation, every new change assuaged the soreness of my weary nerves and smoothed out my ragged edges. I found peace in creation, not destruction as I had once been so inclined to explore.
But the Figments were what saved me, whom I really owe my life to now. Without Liz, without Jack, without...without...I'd probably be dead in a gutter somewhere. So godlike are we? So powerful? I could have created an army, could have brought the sky falling with a few quick pen strokes if I so wished had they not reasoned with me time and time again. These beings, these ghosts of humanity, not even birthed from a living creature but metastasized from thin air, were telling a human what was right and wrong. What was worse, they really did know better. They really did. I had been given the abilities of a divine creator, but for what? In the end...they were the only things of worth that became of my life. And I...
The patient is feeling unwell and requests to return to her room. Request will be granted. Session rescheduled for tomorrow morning.
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138,608 Literary Works • 672,178 Reviews
Hi Bunny!
I really enjoyed this! It's unlike anything I've read before and written beautifully. I can very much envision the emotions your MC is speaking of. I also love that we hardly know anything about them and there is still a lot of mystery to the story. It adds an extra oomph, something to keep my interest through to the next installment.
I also absolutely loved the difference in personality in your MC from the feeling of being all-powerful and being weak. It's very well done.
I hope to read more from you soon,
~BTM
Hey, Bunny!
I read it a second time, and it made more sense, but a reader really shouldn't have to do that. I know you can make it much clearer. 
You know I love you're writing, and you are very eloquent.
I love the first and last few sentences. It gives us just enough confusion to kindle our curiosity, but not too much that it suffocates it. I know you love to start a lot with mystery and action, but I felt that this story is unbalanced. You're really good at grabbing the readers' attention and then drawing back to clue them in. However, you seemed to start bogging the flow of the story down towards the middle. Because you are introducing the reader to a new, unfamiliar world, it is not as easy for us to follow.
I'm not really sure about this, but since you start with ellipsis, "Back" may or may not have to be capitalized. I think you did it right, though. Although you can put it there, you really don't need the comma.
The "we" sort of bothers me. Not only does it make the sentence have too many subjects, they don't agree. "The others before," implies that these beings are already gone, and the MC is obviously still living. Therefore, "could" doesn't agree with both nouns, if that makes sense.
First of all, say what? I'm picturing Athena springing from Zeus' forehead, so I'm not sure if this is a mythical allusion or something else. Is the "god-maker" some sort of Star Trek thing that infects people and makes them produce gods?
Secondly I think you could omit the second "refuse" to improve the flow of the sentence.
This sentence is really long and hard to follow, especially with all of the commas. I'd put in some hyphens and take out some adverbs.
This really puzzled me because you've set up this fantastical world, and yet you reference Buddha. Does it take place on Earth?
This sentence is a little wordy, especially "...whatever deity or deities had exploded this universe into being..." You might consider rewording the second part.
You're going to hate me, but it technically should be "to whom..." It sounds a little weird, though.
I loved this part.
Okay, so are "these beings" the Figments, or the gods like the MC? And if they're the Figments, is the main character a human?
No comma.
I have faith in you, Bunny.
Definitely continue this one and let me know when you have more!
-Sea-
I would definitely love to read the edited version. It's rather an easy task to review you: you're a great writer and there are no grammar mistakes.
Let me know and I checked out your other chapter
Tanya
Thank you so much for the review! (And sorry about not posting the link. ^^')
And as far as the other story I have goes, very little of the "historical" part has come to play in the writing. I just figured that maybe, might have, possibly been a good category to put it under since the story takes place during the Vietnam war. *shrug*
Thank you for the eloquence comment. I just only hope I don't sound like I'm trying too hard. It's just with this style I get a little word happy. :3 bee hee
Ah yes, the bell. *sigh* I have a pretty good idea of how to fix that part so it actually makes sense, unlike now how it is a totally pointless and vague statement. (Way to go, Bunny!) e__e But yes, I'll fix that whenever I get around to actually writing instead of replying to the (loverly) reviews I've been given lately. Hopefully it'll make more sense then, and I'll post the edit of this as a new chapter-thing in case you ever want to see a hopefully improved version. ^^'
I understand your frustration on the second part. The more feedback I get on this and the more I go back to read it, the more I realize how little of the story is on this website and how much of it is in my head. Of course, certain phrases and references and such make sense to me--I am the author, right?--but with things like this, I do tend to forget that my audience has no freaking clue what's going on. I have in mind to extend the letter portion of this chapter, because later the old man the MC meets informs her of what's going on and the whole "god-maker" thing, so I'm hoping that after he brings up some words and meanings the second part will make more sense.
As far as addressing to whom the MC is talking, I want a level of mystery around that part so that her later letters to this Henry person will illuminate that question among others. This is just a weird story to tackle, considering the story in the letters start from the beginning, and the story she's telling her mysterious interviewers basically begins at the end. (Eh, even Bunny's confuzzled.)
But please have faith in me!
If you're at all interested, once I write up my edited version, I'd love to have a fresh opinion. I'll even post a link this time.
Much loves,
Bunny
Hey there Bunny,
Thanks so much for the request. I wanted to mention that it would be easier if you posted the link in the thread (you requested) because it's easier that way for me.
Also, I can skim over the other story you posted but I don't usually review historical fiction. If I can, I'll review
Now, on to this chapter. First, you're very eloquent: more so than I can ever dream of being.
That being said, I got stuck on the exact same part Story got stuck: the bell. I know what you mean: but keep in mind that you don't want to confuse your readers, you want them there with your Mc. Explain why it's different. Maybe there was an extra special ding that wasn't there before. Maybe he got a sense of foreboding. Maybe he got a chill. Maybe he wanted to sneeze and looked up to the light *shrugs* Know what I mean?
The second part..... Was long and mind boggling. I found my mind drifting, looking at the fog outside, the birds pecking at the seeds in the feeder and so on. It was just vague enough to not bring me into the story. Unlike the letter, which drew me in immediately. I felt like the character was droning on. Maybe if we had a sense of the person talking, or if we really saw her through the shrink's eyes....? I'm not sure how to improve, only that it hadn't caught my interest as much as the first part had.
Hope this helped, please let me know if you have any other questions or requests.
Tanya
First off, thank you so much for the review.
Replying to your first point: Now that you point out that sentence, it really does annoy me. Guiltily, I dug up this piece and added on to (sort of) complete the idea for this chapter, but in that I did very light rereading. (Bad, Bunny.) I'll go back over that part, do a spot of thinking, and fix it as soon as...I get around to it. ^^'
And you make a very good point about leaving readers in the dark, a point I'm still wrestling with myself. I would actually like to go back and add more to this piece, elaborating a bit more in the second section and possibly adding the next morning session on to the end of this chapter, just to clear up a few more things. Really, I posted this to motivate myself to tackle this story and see if anyone saw it as interesting, so hopefully the next go around will be more satisfying. :3
Thank you again for the review. It was quite helpful. (And I did a little happy dance in my head when this popped up in my notifications.)
Much love,
Bunny
Outside of this, the biggest problem is that you pretty much leave us (the readers) in the dark as to what you're talking to. Beginning with some fast-paced confusion can be a good way to make your readers curious, but with all the words and such you're throwing at us and a very different world that you haven't completely explained, it's hard to swallow. I think you've got a really well-rooted idea, but as a writer you've just got to figure out how to gradually guide us through the world you've conjured up. I think if you do that, this has a chance of becoming a really interesting novel.
Keep writing,
StoryWeaver