This poem has been edited after recieving reviews.
I used to try to fit in,
to be normal.
I laughed like everyone else
I smiled like everyone else,
But I didn't do it right apparently.
And now I just sit in silence.
The silence slithers into my mind,
as if I could control it.
It strikes at my thoughts,
penetrating me with doubt,
and leaving me numb and hopeless.
And now I just sit on my bed.
Quiet sneaks in as the sun sinks,
making the hills its grave.
The silencing snake tortures my head again,
with each snap.
Each death inside my head becomes more violent.
And now I just sit in a counselors office.
I heard something,
words maybe?
The snakes hisses overpower my hearing,
making it impossible to speak.
I only scream,
considering the snaps.
And now I just sit in a cell.
Thinking.
'Is this really how it ends?'
My thoughts are answered,
"Yessss."
A sad ending, if you ask me.
And now I just lay in a cell.
Even the ceiling is padded,
like the gloves on my hands.
"Nails are bad."
they say.
But it doesn't stop me from turning to a blade.
And now I just am strapped to a chair.
A doctor dances in,
holding a small hammer and a needle.
I begin to scream,
trying to say words.
"NO IT'S NOT MY FAULT..."
Are the words I spit out,
before becoming inaudible again.
And now I just sit in...
Tink.
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Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
Messenger here to do one last review for Review Day!
Man this was an incredibly well-written poem. Very powerful with no grammar or punctuation mistakes that I could see. M favorite lines were:
I love how you stuck with using the snake as the "villain" and especially where you had "yessss" like a snake slithering, it was just a really cool effect. I'm impressed at the level of quality in this poem, and the use of bolding words, using dialogue, and italics. It adds character to the poem, and just strengthens the whole work.
Sadly I'm not too happy with the end. I think it was written very well, but I'm not big on poems that end in depressive fashions so this wasn't exactly my cup of tea, but it WAS well-written. Not much Else to say really, but this was really good,especially for your age!
Keep it up!
~Messenger
The emotions flow out of this poem, I found it very well written. The feelings you put into the poem show, at some times too much but still very good! I really loved the way you pulled all of this off! Poetry isn't for me, but I encourage you to keep writing because of your talent!
Happy review day! Keep writing and never stop! I look forward to reading all of your poems in the future!
-cherrycanwrite160
Wow! This poem is very powerful. I like how the story of the voice slowly developed and subtly changed throughout the poem. I also liked the repetition. I think my favorite part was:
"The snakes hisses overpower my hearing,
making it impossible to speak."
I think these lines really portray the insanity of the speaker and how people can be overtaken by something inside of them. This poem is really cool. I also liked your use of language such as, the doctor dancing in rather than walking. It adds a visual element to the poem.
I love this. I love how emotional it is but i feel as though it might be too dramatic because believe it or not a padded cell is very uncommon. Many people do not experience that, but the rest of it I do like.
Hello! A belated welcome to YWS to you!
Nitpicks:
I suggest de-italicizing this. Putting emphasis on a word that doesn't need it makes the sentence sound odd.
I feel that the repetition of "silence" here is unnecessary. Despite the stanza break, the reader knows you're still talking about the silence, and so you don't have to repeat what it is.
That should be its.
That should be counselor's.
This is phrased oddly. I don't see the need to include the second line. I suggest you scratch that out and fix the sentence to where it says, "All I can do is scream" or something of the sort.
Punctuation: Change the period to a comma and then lowercase the t on they.
Form: Consider merging the lines into one.
You need an apostrophe for "it's."
On the poem itself:
I don't understand the message you're trying to convey at the end of the poem. I have listened to the song before, and I see how you're trying to relate to it, but the ending just didn't make sense. Why is he strapped to a chair? Why is the doctor holding a nail and hammer? That makes it sound like he's going to try and crucify him. And what about the ending? What does tink mean? Is he dead? If so, how?
I understand that, in the song, the lead singer repeats "and now I just sit in silence" a few times, but I feel like you could have made it even better. Sure, you spiced it up by using various places and objects to sit on, but what about the person? Why does he always have to sit? Can't he stand or kneel or something? Try using various synonyms of the word "sit."
Overall: The poem is really good. I think you clearly captured the message originally conveyed in the original song, and you even captured the melancholy tone of the singer. The poem's flow was smooth most of the time, albeit choppy due to awkwardly formed sentences. If there's one thing you want to fix, then go back and revise the structured stanzas, and see if there are some lines that you can combine into one. That might help the choppiness.
Overall, I found this to be a good poem, with strong descriptions, imagery, and figurative language. Nice work. ^^
The Tink is a representation of a lobotomy. The needle is inserted into the side of your eye and the hammer hits the needle and congrats, you're brain dead. And I will be sure to fix those nitpicks, remember this is my first poem.