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137,756 Literary Works • 672,069 Reviews
Hello! This is a very striking poem, firstly because I don't see right-justified poems rather than left-justified very often. I wonder why you chose that, and it's interesting what it does to my brain when I see it - it makes me feel like I'm in a different place, somewhere unusual.
Another interesting choice is writing in second person, which I think can be difficult. As the reader, I'm not sure who you are speaking to - it doesn't seem like you are talking to me, so it's an unseen other person I don't know much about. This is absolutely fine, however I was unsure what you meant in places. For example "and I need it more than you" - I am not sure what you need (to murder bees, to bleed?), why the other person might need it and why you need it more. I wonder if there is any small detail you can add or anything you could reword to give a little more context to help the reader understand.
I had to look up what amaranth is as I haven't heard of it. Wikipedia told me some amaranth plants have the name "love lies bleeding", so I wondered if that was deliberate to carry on the image of blood. They are very striking plants and I think a great choice of image!
In the last stanza, I found "bumbling fool" a little jarring just because "bumbling" sounds a little out of place from the tone of the rest of the poem. However, maybe it's related to bumble bees, so that would also make sense! I don't know why you look like a fool, though, so again, maybe a little more context would be helpful. Overall I'm not quite sure what this poem is about, but that certainly isn't the first time a good poem has left me wondering! That's not necessarily a bad thing since the reader also has a creative role to play when reading poems, so they can fill in some blanks with their own imagination.
Another thing I noticed that I really like is the lack of punctuation, question marks, and uppercase for the word I. I don't know why, something about it is just very pleasing. Also the repetition of the first two lines of the last two stanzas. You've used some great devices here and I really like the form and style!
Thank you so much!!
Oooo I love itttt!!!
Hello, My Friend!
Hiya, Ronin! While I finally got an ample time window to review this, I have flu-brain right now, so if this review seems a little rough around the edges, I do apologize ':D That said, let's dive in!
To start, this was cool! I love the theme of insects here, which in and of themselves can come with so much symbolism and meaning, and the implications of murdering the bees (what are you, RoundUp? jk jk XD), bleeding on the fields, and the shadow of the hills gives such an eerie and foreboding feeling.
*ahem* As far as a technical review goes, I don't have much to recommend! Maybe some question marks where it asks "can you see me too," and aside from that well...Since they're lyrics, I do wish there was a bit more! But I also get if this is a work in process, or perhaps belongs to a shorter piece (something that would befit an album intro perhaps!). And of course, that is just my two cents, take only what you like from it and consider the rest just the mad rambling of an internet corvid <3
As for my favorite bits and parts, ooo, I must first say that I love the repetition in those last two verses, just to really double down on that image of the narrator standing on his own, locked in this shadow.
The other thing that caught my attention was the bees—as mentioned, not only can insects carry meanings just as flowers, birds, and other aspects of nature can, but even in just this context, what was the purpose of killing them? It seems like there's this tone of remorse as it says "maybe I should too" and "I need it more than you". Maybe it's a way of portraying this idea, of someone lashing out because they feel sorry about themselves? Likewise, the swap to direct pronouns caught my eye, making me wonder, who is this person addressing? Someone who is the cause, or maybe has suffered the effect, of that narrator's lashing out...
Overall, this feels like something with the potential to be grand, and I love both the vibe and how much it gets you thinking! Nicely done!
"They who dream by day are cognizant of many things which escape those who dream only by night."
"Words have no power to impress the mind without the exquisite horror of their reality.”
"I would define, in brief, the poetry of words as the rhythmical creation of Beauty."
Thank you so much, Raven! And I'll definitely be publishing the finished product when it's done!
This is so interesting! I thought that you using amaranth as your plant of choice extremely fitting because of its nickname, which I'm sure you know about. I wonder what the story behind this is... I have a few crude guesses, but I'm really excited to see how you develop this, Ronin! I love it so far!
Overall, it is really good! This is the beginning of a song, right? I love it! I hope you can add more lyrics, too! Just for you to be aware(you don't have to follow my advice lol) be careful with your punctuation. It is creative and short, unlike some others who I get bored with because it is so long. I love it. Other than that, I can say nothing else about it except that it is awesome! Happy Writing!
Thank you so much!!