You’ll get to a point where crying no longer supplies the needed emotional relief,
And the tears that come aren’t like delicate raindrops,
They are the ocean,
And leave your bones chilled and your fingertips numb,
Coughing out the seafoam from your lungs with salt stains on your blouse,
Your face will itch as those warrior paint lines dry upon your cheeks, but you can’t make yourself wipe them away,
Doing so would remove the evidence that you were finally able to recall those bitter memories and shed them from your eyelids,
It’s been so long,
Too long since you’ve felt this way,
In these silent moments where you sit on the toilet in Somewhere’s public bathrooms with your forehead pressed to the metal walls around you,
Half wishing they were colder to ease the racing fever in your blood,
Half wishing they would just swallow you up so you could be as stoic and unaffected as the rest,
And you will think of the billions of people walking this Earth,
Their too forceful footprints causing disease, famine, extinction,
And you will wonder if it is easier to live life with such a humanistic religion,
Because you have never felt so far from human in your entire life; the animals won’t take you either,
Because your mind once filled with such beautiful asymmetry and lungs that could capture the very essence of life in their arms and heart that beat so fast with dreams of tomorrow,
Hurts now,
Everything hurts now,
And no one is lining up to take that pain away.
And you’re the sorry one,
Not them.
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140,457 Literary Works • 673,227 Reviews
This poem is a charmingly somber piece, but what I find most noteworthy about it is how intricately intimate it is. When I read this, I felt as though the words were alive; they flowed and pulsed to what I could almost relate to a heartbeat. It was as though the lines were reading themselves aloud (if that make any sense at all
) and I absolutely loved it. As mentioned before, there were a few grammatical errors but it seems as though you have mixed them. After reading all your previous works, I would vote that this is your best piece posted so far. Keep on writing, you're onto something here.
~sCrAwL
P.S.
Thank you for you comment on the introduction to my "Gossamer Hearts" story, your words really touched me and I will do my best to continue the story each week.
I can't say anything that hasn't already been said unfortunately, only repeat it.
ChocalateCello's quote:
One thing though-
"...your mind once filled with such beautiful..."
Should be
"...your mind, once filled with such beautiful..."
I agree with this.
but this is the only thing I've noticed.
apart from that. Well done. keep writing!
Hey! Chocolatecello here! On a mobile device at school so this review is going to stay short and sweet.
I really liked the meaning in this poem and you did a fantastic job with the vocabulary, (great choice in words). Nothing felt forced and it all kept consistant, (nothing stood out in a bad way).
One thing though-
"...your mind once filled with such beautiful..."
Should be
"...your mind, once filled with such beautiful..."
Also, I would suggest 'hurt now, everything hurts now" oppose to "hurts now, everything hurts now' because you're refering to the heart, lungs, and mind. Basically, you wouldn't say 'Your mind, lungs, and heart hurts now' so chnage it to 'hurt'.
Okay, let me know if this was unclear, I wrote it in a rush and please excuse any grammatical errors.
Keep writing!
-ChocolateCello