Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language.
1.
I gingerly poured the hot water over the tea… feeling the steam on my face and then coldness. I sighed and waited a good five minutes while it steeped and then threw out the leaves. I took a sip. The bitter, sour and skunky flavor filled my mouth and nose. I coughed and my face distorted into a deep scowl. This shit better work I thought to myself, guzzling the rest of the tea. Now for the moment of truth: will this tea cure my insomnia? Or simlift my ply hopes only to let them fall to rock bottom again? I sighed and shuffled my way to the stairs. I put one foot on the stairs and felt a bit lightheaded. I quickly made my way all the way up before flopping into my bed. I pulled up the blanket to my neck, feeling the muscles in my arms start to relax, followed by my neck, shoulders and back. Soon, I drifted off into a sweet blissful sleep. Oh, sleep… what a beautiful thing. Unfortunately, my “blissful” sleep was filled only with a darkness. My mind was blank. No dreams, just black. I woke up seemingly as soon as I had laid my head on the pillow- but now… the sun shone through my window. The birds chirped happily outside. And I was so well rested… I felt as if I could conquer the world! With a smile on my face, I swung my legs over the side of my bed and slipped into a big bubbly bath. And after washing my wild mane of bright orange hair, I started my day for real.
I made my half-caf coffee and plugged in my thumb-drive to my computer. Struggling to keep my wet hair out of my face, I typed in the password and opened the one document on the thumb-drive. My book. It had no name. But it seemed it was going to have one today. I felt today was the day it would finally be finished… or maybe just started. After so many sleepless nights, I had not written as much. But today, oh today was a new day with a happy head on my tiny shoulders. Letting the smile fade, I got my getting-down-to-business expression and began to type furiously. My kitten came over and smacked my feverishly typing fingers, but that didn’t stop me or even put a damper on my motivation.
It was a dark and stormy night…
No. Too classic. Too cliche. I had to write it though, just for shits and giggles. Now for the real stuff….
It was a hot summer day.
I liked that one. The exact opposite as the common cliche… but not too original still. It’d work though.
It was a hot summer day… her wavy brown hair stuck to her damp neck. Her green eyes tired from the heat. She pulled her hair off her neck, into a tight ponytail sprouting from the crown of her head. Then, she jumped in with a splash. The water enveloped her… creating that peaceful sound of nothing and everything at once. As she emerged, she heard her name called.
“Mabeline!” the screechy voice of her step-mother called.
Her attractively narrow shoulders sagged with annoyance. She slowly walked out of the pool, but not before yelling:
“One minute!”. First came her perfectly defined collarbone… and then her small-busted torso and then her curvy hips. She was a rare beauty. Her full lips and her wide cheekbones and pointed chin. Her petite nose and narrow eyes seeming heavy with the her eyelashes. Everything about her was incredibly beautiful; Exquisitely remarkable- right down to the beauty mark on her left cheek.
The frazzled look of fear wrinkled Mabeline’s step-mothers face. She ran to her step-daughter she usually despised and nearly begged:“Your father has been in a terrible accident.” She said, “Please, you have to stay here with Oliver so I can see him at the hospital.”“What?” Mabel’s pretty face fell. “An accident?”
Her heart raced. For that is exactly how her mother died. An accident. Scenarios went through her head. Was her father okay? Was he alive? Was he horribly injured? Brain damage? Would he remember who she was? What if he didn’t? What if he only remembered-
“Mabeline” her step-mother yelled, helping the teen snap out of her daze.
“Yeah, I’ll watch him.” Mabel nearly whispered.
“He’s in his crib,” the woman said, rushing out the door. “Asleep”
As soon as the woman left, Mabel fell to her knees and sobbed. She crawled to her towel and wrapped herself in it like a blanket despite the heat. She sobbed and sobbed, her shoulders shaking. She couldn’t bare to lose her only parent. She remembered when her mother died of cancer when she was only eight. Two years later, her father met the step-monster and a mere year later they were married and now, Mabeline at age 16, both her parents dead or on the way there. It seemed like few minutes before Bethany arrived. Beth was Mabel’s best friend- the daughter of a police officer.
“I heard what happened.” She came running through the fence of the backyard, “Are you okay?”
Mabel had been hiding her face in her knees but now lifted her tear-stricken face to Beth.
“Oh… honey!” Beth knelt down and wrapped her arms around Mabel, who was shaking uncontrollably, even though it was steaming outside.
“Come on, Mabel, come inside.” Beth helped the girl to her feet and supported her as they walked into the air-conditioned kitchen and onto the cold tile floor. Mabel was nearly dragged to the couch where she wrapped her arms around her knees and rocked back and forth, sobbing. All the while Beth, though to no avail, said soothing things and hugged her friend tightly.
It was late evening before Mabel woke up on the couch, her head throbbing as the current situation rushed back to her. She rubbed the sleep out of her eyes and squinted in the dark. Beth had sprawled out on the floor next to the couch and her step-mothers shoes sat in front of the door. She must have gone to bed. Then it started all over again. Tears poured from Mabel’s eyes as she stood, but this time silently. She shuffled to the galley kitchen and drank a cool glass of water to soothe her throat. She sat and ate a PB and J sandwich before shuffling back to the couch and collapsing into sleep once again.
Quickly her eyes fluttered open. The smell of maple syrup and pancakes filled the air… and freshly brewed coffee. Mabel woke with a smile, but it quickly faded to a sad expression and sagging shoulders. Bethany stood in the kitchen flipping pancakes, humming a Taylor Swift song she denied liking.
“Where’s Paula?” Mabel asked,
“Jesus!” Beth squeaked with her southern accent. “You scared the living shit out of me!”
“Where is she though?” Mabel repeated,
“Oh, the step monster?” Beth turned back to cooking, “She’s in town with Oliver.”
“When will she be back?” Mabel stood, and began to pace. “When will I know if my dad is alive or not? Do you know? Is he okay?”
“Hey, hey…” Beth came and hugged the now sobbing Mabel.
“I’m so scared…” Mabel whispered.
“Why don’t you go take a bubble bath and I’ll bring you breakfast? How’s that sound?” Beth guided her friend to the bathroom where she started a bath and Mabel got in. After Beth brought Mabel breakfast, they sat and talked about things other than the possible death of Mabel’s father. But the peace was broken when Paula walked in the door.
“He’s dead.” the bluntness of her words hit Mabel like a truck. She immediately brought her hand to her chest as if it physically broke her heart, unable to take a breath.“Dead…?” Mabel whispered, tears already pouring down her cheeks.
Paula nodded, crying too but refusing to comfort the girl. Thankfully Beth stepped into the situation and took Mabel to her room.
*
The whole thing was so surreal… it was as if Mabel wasn’t quite all there- if you get my meaning. Her eyes were glazed over and she didn’t utter a word. She simply stared blankly ahead the whole ceremony in her little black dress. Paula on the other hand sobbed her eyes out. Her shoulders shaking, the tissues piling up. The only sign that Mabel gave was the slowly tightening grip on Beth’s hand the whole time.
*
Now, one month later, Mabel slowly rose out of bed and shuffled into her slippers. She sluggishly dragged her feet to the kitchen where she made herself a bowl of cereal and poured herself a cup of coffee. The coffee was bitter in her mouth, but the cereal satisfying as she sat down to watch the news. Paula had already left for work. It was summer vacation, so Mabel had absolutely nothing to do.
When the telephone rang, Mabel jumped to grab it, nearly spilling her breakfast.
“Hello?”
“This is Bethany speaking, may I request the nightly presence of thy lady ladiness?”
“Yeah, sure.” Mabel laughed, “What time?”
“How about around…” Bethany pondered, “Four-thirty, so you can eat dinner with us.”
“I’ll be there.” She smiled,
“Alright, see ya.”
“See ya.”
“Bye.”
Then the quick *click* of the phone hanging up.
Mabel laughed. Beth was always ridiculous in her phone calls. She had been since first grade- when they met. And they were lucky enough to have at least one class together for the following years. Next year being their junior year, they were hoping their luck would continue.
After Mabel was dressed and had her daily afternoon swim, she packed a bag and was almost out the door when Paula walked in. Hiding her annoyance and a roll of the eyes and a sigh, Mabel tried to slip out the door.
“Stop right there!” Paula said sternly, “Where are you going?”
“Beth’s house…” Mabel answered.
“No, you need to watch Oliver so I can go out with the girls.” Paula said, running one nail underneath the other. “I told you earlier this week.”
“No you didn’t!” The teen spat angrily, “I already planned this with Beth, okay? I’m going.”
“And I already planned this girls-night-out!” Paula yelled, “Now put that bag down and shut the door.”
“No.” Mabel furrowed her brows.
Paula’s face slowly turned cherry red with anger. Her fists balled up and she took a deep breath to yell:
“I am so tired of your shit Mabeline!” she screeched “Ever since your father died, you think you can do whatever the hell you want! But you can’t, Mabel! This isn’t the Mabeline Veaux show! This is my house and you will do what I tell you to!”
“This is my father’s house and I am leaving!” Mabel left and slammed the door behind her, fearing it would open and more yelling would come from it. But it didn’t. What was the step-monster planning now? Mabel brushed the thought away and spent the rest of the night giggling and staying up until 3:00 in the morning with Beth. Just like old times… little did she know that it was the last time things would be normal… the last time things would be just like old times.
*
“You’re going to live with your Aunt Helen.” Paula said as soon as Mabel walked in the door. Her jaw dropped along with her night bag.
“What?” Her tone was sharp.
“I called your Aunt Helen today.” Paula said casually, enjoying Mabel’s shock and anger. “She was happy to have you move in with her.”
“But-”
“If you don’t listen to me then maybe you will listen to a relative.” she said, standing to leave, “I wasn’t intending on having you stay for the rest of high school anyway.” Paula looked Mabel up and down with a smug look before walking off to her bedroom.
Mabel stood in shock. Aunt Helen? The crazy one? Wasn’t there a reason that her father never let her see her? Aunt Helen was the one with Schizophrenia! She was medicated, but father said she was dangerous and not to be trusted- and now she was going to live with her? Mabel stalked off to her bedroom and slammed the door, waking Oliver in the other room. She threw down her clothes and looked at her bedroom. She was leaving. She couldn’t believe it. Mabel flopped down on to her bed and stared at the ceiling. What would happen? What if Aunt Helen raised a fist to her in one of her Schizophrenic fits? Do Schizophrenic people have fits? Questions arose in her mind like a thousand balloons released to the sky.
Paula told her the next day that she was to leave as soon as possible- she didn’t even take the extra effort to say “as soon as possible”. She just said: ASAP. Seriously woman, show some respect, Mabel’s mind yelled and screamed, but she packed nevertheless. Two boxes for her clothing and four other boxes of her other belongings and she was packed and ready to go. It took three days. And the second that she was packed, Paula called Helen to schedule Mabel’s pick up. So Helen came that day. Mabel watched nervously out the window until a banana-yellow bug rolled into the driveway. Rust speckled the edges of the tire wells and the windshield had a crack in it. The old engine rumbled embarrassingly loud, resounding across the silent neighborhood. A woman with a leather jacket, jeans and heels stepped out of the bug, her curly brown hair bouncing. She had a striking resemblance to Mabel. When she rung the doorbell, Mabel answered it, awkwardly standing there with a whispered hello.
“Come here, Mabel.” Helen wrapped her in a tight embrace. Mabel tensed up, “I haven’t seen you in years! Look at the young woman you’ve grown into!”
When it ended, Mabel stepped back and merely nodded.
“Is she here?” Paula yelled from the back of the house.
“Yeah!” Mabel yelled back, without taking her eyes off of her Aunt.
“Let her in!” Paula yelled.
Mabel stepped aside, letting Helen step inside. She saw the three boxes stacked up beside the door.
“That’s all of your stuff?” She asked,
“Yep.” Mabel nodded,
“I’ll get the first box.” Helen hefted one into her arms and carried it to her car, opening the back with her foot. Mabel grabbed the second and followed her silently. Even Paula grabbed a box and then Mabel got the last one while Paula and Helen exchanged a few words.
“Bye dear.” Paula hugged Mabel with a layer of fake kindness and love.
“Bye.” Mabel glared coldly at the woman.
“See ya ‘round.” Helen said casually and went around to get in.
Mabel sat in the seat… she could hear it squeak underneath her weight and the springs poking her bottom. It was very uncomfortable. Both the car and the ride. Helen tried to make conversation, but Mabel refused to.
“You don’t talk much, do you?”
“Not to strangers.” Mabel let it slip. She didn’t mean too, but it just did.
“Oh, I see how it is…” Helen laughed good-naturedly. Why wasn’t she mad? “I see…”
“What?” Mabel asked, “You see what?”
“What did your father tell you about me?” she asked, “You can say it, I’m sure it’s something crazy. You honestly can’t offend me.”
“He didn’t say anything…” Mabel lied.
“Come on, Mabeline.” Helen raised an eyebrow, “He said something to you that made you not like me. Unless you’re beginning to take after your stepmother and you’re just naturally a bitch.” Mabeline cracked a smile, but quickly hid it when she began to tell Helen:
“He said…” Mabeline shook her head, cringing at what Helen might say in response. “He said you were a very dangerous Schizophrenic.”
“Seriously?” She seemed disappointed, “That’s all he could come up with?”
Mabel looked confused. Helen shook her head knowingly.
“He didn’t tell you did he?”
“What?”
“About our family history?”
“Umm… not exactly…?” Mabel wrinkled her nose, confused.
“Well after I tell you who you really are, you’re going to honestly believe that I’m crazy.” Helen said, “So why don’t we save it for later, how’s that? Emily made some Shepherd's Pie back at the house and it’s hella good!”
Mabel laughed at Helen’s use of ‘hella’.
“Who’s Emily?”
“My wife.”
“Why don’t we talk about you?” Helen asked, “Tell me about you. What do you like to do? Who are you at school? Anything, I feel like I’m talking to a stranger. And a wall. Either way works.”
Mabel laughed and found herself telling Helen everything. That she liked art, and she loved to swim- she could hold her she was fastest runner in track- and the list went on and on and on. As they drove across town, the sun went down… painting the sky blood-red and purple.
2.
He jotted down a few sentences in his pocket notebook. They were words of inspiration for a possible and/or future song. He was always doing this. Most people just thought he was extremely forgetful or stupid and jotting down things so he wouldn’t forget. But much to their surprise- if they knew of course- he was a very talented writer and musician and aspired to make it into the music industry. He sighed shut the book thinking it was crap. Shaking his head, he stood and shuffled over to the musical wall- let me explain: The “musical wall” was a wall lined with bookshelves of his favorite records along with his electric and acoustic guitar. He gently picked it up by the neck and strummed it a few times, carelessly playing around and picking out melodies on its strings. All the while he gazed around his room- the walls covered by band posters, and the slanted ceiling leaning towards the two windows letting the afternoon sun pour through the windows. His backpack laid on the floor, not touched since the last day of school.
“Davy!” His mom yelled from downstairs, “Are you coming or not? I thought we were going out to dinner!”
“Shit!” David hissed under his breath, dropping his guitar on his bed and quickly ripping off his shirt and throwing a plaid shirt on. He buttoned it up,
“One second!” he yelled, slipping on some decent shoes. He ran downstairs, nearly running into his mom- wild curly hair straightened. He smirked. She smirked.
They both tried to tell the other something at the same time and they laughed.
“You first.” David’s mom said.
“You’re hair!” he laughed, she looked worried now, self-consciously patting down her hair, “It’s not bad. It’s just so different to your… crazy hair usually. It’s pretty both ways.”
“Aww, thanks honey!” his mom smiled, “Your shirt is buttoned wrong.”
He looked down. Sure enough, every button was off one hole. He shook his head and laughed, un-buttoning and re-buttoning them.
“What would you do without me?” She teased and walked out the door. David hurried after.
“I could ask the same thing.” Dave countered
He and his mom looked strikingly alike- the chiseled face, wild and thick curly brown hair, the olive-skin, the eyes so dark they were almost black.
“Where do you want to go tonight?” She asked, buckling her seat belt.
“Anywhere is fine.” He nodded,
“You say that every night!” She said, starting the car.
“Sushi?” He tried,
“You got it.” She smiled, backing out of the driveway.
Their relationship was so unique. David’s father had left a long time ago when he was very little and him and his mom were so alike that they got along and agreed quite well. They never fought. He watched tendrils of red and yellow bounce and race forming a thin cloud of orange around his mother’s body. She always had a pretty aura. Always full of energy… yellow… and a larger-than-life red, bleeding through showing the love she had within her. It was the most unique auras he had seen yet. Well… except that girl in school. He closed his eyes, rolling down the window and letting the wind ruffle his hair, thinking of the most beautiful girl, with the most beautiful aura, he’d ever seen: Mabeline Veaux. His heart raced and a smile leaped across his face at the thought of her.
“Are you even listening to me, Davy?” His mother’s voice snapped him out of a daze.
“Hmm?” He raised his eyebrows, turning towards her and opening his eyes.
“Oh Davy…” She laughed, “You’re such a dreamer.”
“What?” a smirk appeared,
“You know what…” She raised an eyebrow, keeping her eyes on the road but stealing a quick glance or two at Dave. “You were thinking about her weren’t you?”
“Mom!” he half-laughed, half-scolded, embarrassed.
“I’m sorry, I’m sorry!” She put a hand up defensively and shook her head, “You just had that look on your face!”
“Moommmm…” Dave rolled his eyes dramatically and continued staring out the window.
“Alright, alright, I’m sorry Davy.” she patted his shoulder, continuing her little chuckle. Her eyes lit up suddenly and she pointed to a car across the freeway. “Hey look! There she goes now?”
Dave jumped in his seat, his heart skipped and he hid a beaming smile.
“Gotcha!” She teased. Davy sat back in his seat, laughing embarrassedly and shaking his head.
*
“Ugh!” I pound on the desk. Here’s the problem with writers… we’re an odd bunch. Every writer has their ridiculous quirks. Mine is the length of chapters. See, if I were to end the chapter right now, it would be too short- only two pages! But it would seem awkward to add on to it. This is a good stopping point. But once again- only two pages! I like the way it is now… so I guess-... I guess I just don’t know. Oh… the struggle of being me…
*
Mabel stepped out of the car and onto a wood-chip driveway. The house before her was three stories with so many windows that if it were lighter out, it would resemble a star with all the light reflecting off of it. Helen opened the door and began to pick up a box.
“Are you going to help me or should I plan on doing this by myself?” She grunted sarcastically.
“Oh, yeah…” Mabel rushed to help as a blonde opened the door. She stood with a hand on her hip and an apron covering her worn jeans. Her feet bare and fidgeting, shifting the weight of her curvy body. Helen smiled on her way in, getting a kiss on the cheek, and the blonde gave a curt nod:
“I’m Emily.” She said, as Mabel entered the 3-story log cabin.
“Mabel.” The girl answered,
“I know.” She replied, closing the door behind them.
A wave of cool air and foreign smells filled Mabel’s senses. Fresh dinner; Pine needles; Dog… lots of dog. All at once, the overwhelming sound of nails on wood flooring and barking echoed through the house. One… two… three dogs came at full speed- causing Mabel to wobble and almost drop her box.
“That’s Star, Eclipse and Luna.” Helen introduced.
The house was adorned by various things from around the world. Pictures from France, Germany, Russia, Australia, lined the walls and covered the mantle over the fireplace. Mabel followed Helen up two flights of stairs- with each stair, the temperature rising. Finally, Helen kicked open the door to an enormous room, windows covered one wall and the ceiling sloped down to one end of the bedroom. A bed sat in the corner with no sheets and the wood floor was perfection- rarely been tread on. A lonely desk stood skewed next to a wall. But the best part was that the wall of windows also had a glass door. A door that lead out to a deck that overlooked a vast amount of land, trees and- a large, gushing river.
Mabel set the box down, a smile creeping onto her face.
“Good enough?” Helen spread her arms, gesturing the room,
“Yeah…” Mabel breathed, “It’s… amazing.”
“Glad you like it.” Helen started to leave, “Let’s get the rest of your shit so we can eat!”
Mabel nodded and hurried behind her.
*
Dave sat on the couch. Dinner was over and he was drowning out the sound of Dirty Dancing with some reeses peanut butter cup icecream. His mother was obsessed with the movie and forced him to watch it. As he spooned the dessert into his mouth, he heard her softly recited the lines at the exact time Jennifer Gray did.
“Mom, you’re doing it again.” he moaned,
“Hmm?” she looked at him as she snapped out of her daze.
“Playing the role of Baby?” he reminded her,
“Do I really do that?” She rolled her eyes, taking a bite of his ice cream, “I don’t mean too… you’re probably messing with me! I don’t believe you.”
“Right… I’m lying to you.” Dave muttered sarcastically,
“Such a teenager” his mother matched his tone with an exasperated sigh.
“… no one puts baby in the corner…” his mother whispered and squealed with excitement as her favorite scene arrived.
The countdown ticked in Dave’s head: Three… Two… One…
“This is my favorite part!” His mom said.
Every time they watch it.
“Alright, I’m going to bed.” Dave said, reaching over and kissing his mom on the cheek,
“But this is the best part!” She whined, “Just wait a minute! You won’t regret it…”
“Yeah yeah yeah,” He smiled, “Patrick Swayze whisks her off her feet and they dance the dance and then the people come and dance the dance and then everyone dances the dance- it’s just a whole lot of dancing.”
“But-”
“I’ve seen it mom.” He laughed, “G’night, love you.”
“Love you honey.” She turned back to the T.V.
*
On any normal night, Mabel would be watching her favorite T.V. shows… but Helen and Emily didn’t have cable. So, Mabel sat in her bed, freshly covered in her own sheets that smelled like her dad’s house. But the thought of her dad made her feel like she had a rock in her stomach. So she stepped out on the deck and leaned on the railing. She looked up at the stars. She located Ursa Major, Ursa Minor, and Cassiopeia. She loved just saying it…
“Cassiopeia…” she let the syllables roll of her tongue, letting the ending “uh” linger in her throat before she let the word go.
She turned around and made her way back to bed.
*
He lay in bed and stare at his ceiling- a poster of Simon & Garfunkel. But he wasn’t thinking of those goofs… he was th
inking of her. But not in a weird way. Just how her Aura was. She was beautiful, she was solid 10 on the scale of things… but her aura was breathtaking. A robin-egg blue cloud surrounding her with warm yellow tendrils and spots of exploding brown speckles. The way it shot off of her and danced around her perfect head. She walked with modesty, but her aura was too special and unique to ignore. It’s all he could stare at… all day. Every day. He would admire the colors. The way it glowed brighter than everyone else’s. Shaking the far-too-common thought from his mind, he reached to turn on his swamp-cooler in the window and stripped down to boxers so he could sleep.
*
Is that ok? I think it’s ok. Normal guys sleep in their boxers… right? I mean it’s summer time, it’s hot as hell. Of course they do. Yeah. That’s right. That’s a long enough chapter. It’s not ideal, but acceptable. Yeah… acceptable will have to do for now, because I’m hungry. I push away my computer and let it sleep, displaying various cityscapes. I shuffled to the kitchen and cut a piece of parmesan bread, slathering rosemary butter on top. Mmmm… inspiration food. Alright, now I have to buckle down. I make my way back to my computer and bang on the keys, thinking maybe they’ll form words and those words will form the perfect story- but alas, writing takes effort, damnit. So I take deep breaths and little bites and begin again.
3.
Bethany called around 10, requesting- or rather demanding Mabel’s company at the beach. So Mabel slipped on her bikini and threw over a pair of shorts and a button-up shirt. She shoved her sandals on and grabbed some basics- wallet, water, and a towel. There was no need for sunscreen because, well… Mabel didn’t really burn. She ran down all the stairs and came across her aunts in the kitchen, drinking coffee and eating breakfast.
“Hey, can I go out?” she asked,
“Where to?” Helen asked her,
“The beach with my friend, Beth.” Mabel said,
“Do you have your phone with you?” she asked,
Mabel held it up in response.
“Be back before dark.” Helen said, refilling her coffee.
“I will.”“Bye, honey.” Helen waved at mabel as she walked out the door. Emily seconded with a curt nod.
“Bye… Aunt Helen and Aunt Emily.” Mabel felt the names slip from her lips- wondering if calling them aunt after never before spending time with them was weird. So she didn’t look back to see if it was. But if she would have… Mabel would have seen Helen smile warmly and turn to Emily for a mutual fistpump in victory and the ever so slightest whisper of excitement: She likes us!
Mabel found Beth waiting for her outside. She climbed into her friend’s brand new convertible VW bug. Bethany was kind of a rich kid. She wasn’t quite spoiled… but she did get expensive things for holidays.
“Hey, bitch!” Beth nearly shouted, reaching to hug her.
“You know I don’t like that…” Mabel shook her head.
“Yeah, I do.” Beth flicked an eyebrow and began to pull out of the driveway. When Beth drove, neither spoke. They just let the wind play with their hair, whipping it across their faces and behind them. A smile creeped onto Mabel’s face and even though she knew Beth was trying to distract her from what had happened… her friend happened to be doing a very good job.
(to be continued later)
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
Hello, steampowered here for a review!
OK, my first impression is that it’s long. Very long. Are there three chapters in here? If so, I would really suggest you split up the chapters into one per post, or reviewers will probably shy away from reading it.
I haven’t quoted the entire paragraph because it’s too long. This is the first paragraph your readers will see when they open the book, and I personally feel there’s too much text here for them to read it and not struggle. I would split it up something like this:
I really liked this storytelling style – of an author writing down the story. However, you don’t say if this is Mabel or a third party, perhaps a biographer or someone who is making it up as they go along.
I loved this. I can identify so much – how many times have I written that terrible opening just so I could smirk and delete it?
This bit was great – so full of humour, and it really made me smile. I’d definitely continue reading if I saw this!
First of all, whose wavy brown hair is it? Clearly this isn’t Mabel writing it, as she has red hair. Also, I don’t think “her green eyes tired from the heat” makes a very good sentence in itself. Why not:
I’m confused by this. Does she tie her hair back in this bit, or has she already tied it back and is just pulling the ponytail off her neck?
You said “her name called” in the previous paragraph. I personally wouldn’t use this repetition, so maybe “the screechy voice of her step-mother broke into her thoughts” or something like that?
I’m slightly wary here of how your character is going to be portrayed, and if she’s going to become a Mary-Sue (a totally flawless character) Characters do need to have flaws, so if you make Mabel beautiful you really ought to give her some problems – maybe she’s snooty, or has a tendency to be mean, treats her boyfriends badly or just doesn’t think before she says stuff? Moving on:
Dialogue ALWAYS needs to be in a new paragraph when the speaker changes. The correct way to format it would be like this:
Also, your tags (“she said” etc.) need to be formatted differently and not capitalised. I’m not very good at explaining, but take a look at this article which explains it in more detail.
OK, her father has been in a TERRIBLE ACCIDENT, and Mabel’s face falls? I don’t find this very realistic – even if she’s trying to hide her emotion from her step-mother, she will probably show something on her face, or maybe stumble or feel light-headed. Maybe even disbelieve her, thinking she’s trying to get her own back on something, and accuse her of lying. But her face wouldn’t “fall”. That just makes her instantly despicable, especially as you had it in the same sentence as “Mabel’s pretty face”. Just my opinion.
Narrator interjection alert! The “if you get my meaning” kind of interferes with the flow and jerks the reader out of this story world. I’d personally delete it.
“To” not “too”. Also, would it look better if you re-worded it to say, “Mabel hadn’t meant to let it slip, but somehow she had” or something like that?
I love these bits here – they’re great!
Since these smells aren’t special perfumes (I can just imagine a perfume called Dog actually) they shouldn’t be capitalised. Also, you don’t need the semi-colon (;) here – an ordinary colon will do.
Right, so Mabel is annoyed about having been sent off to live with her mad aunt? So why isn’t any of this showing in her dialogue or her actions?
New paragraph after “I will” and don’t forget to capitalise names!
I noticed throughout this piece that you switch from referring to “step-mother” to “Paula” which I found really confusing. I’d make it clear from the start that Paula is the step-mother.
Overall, this was a good start. The characters are interesting (especially Dave) but I think your biggest let-down was the amount you put in one post. I felt like I couldn’t go into enough detail here, because there was simply so much to review. However, I will read and review any future instalments if you let me know when they’re posted. Keep up the writing!
Hey, I'm just going to reply to each point you made! I hope you can stay with me!
Splitting up posts into chapters, I'll do that! And that intro paragraph I'll split too.
So in the beginning, you said that you weren't sure if the author was Mabel or a third party. Well, I intended for it to be just the author writing the book. It was basically me... the train of thought anyway. So yes, it was a third party and I didn't specify that because I trusted the reader to keep going and figure out that part for themselves.
I see you made a lot of comments about formatting. That's because I copied and pasted it to YWS. And about the grammar- what can I say... It's atrocious, I know.
Otherwise, I took all of your comments into consideration and I really appreciate the time and effort you put forth in your critique.
Thank you!
- ThatAlaskanChick
Hey, I'm just going to reply to each point you made! I hope you can stay with me!
Splitting up posts into chapters, I'll do that! And that intro paragraph I'll split too.
So in the beginning, you said that you weren't sure if the author was Mabel or a third party. Well, I intended for it to be just the author writing the book. It was basically me... the train of thought anyway. So yes, it was a third party and I didn't specify that because I trusted the reader to keep going and figure out that part for themselves.
I see you made a lot of comments about formatting. That's because I copied and pasted it to YWS. And about the grammar- what can I say... It's atrocious, I know.
Otherwise, I took all of your comments into consideration and I really appreciate the time and effort you put forth in your critique.
Thank you!
- ThatAlaskanChick
Hi, ThatAlaskanchick, being able to write two stories in one is a really special skill especially combining third person and first person. It makes it even more interesting.
Here is my review:
- Which one is more central to the story? The story being written or the writer? Because we keep getting both, it is hard for the reader to know whether to root for the writer character or to root for the character being created by the writer. Readers need someone to root for in order to continue reading a written piece.
- The story being written by the writer is not exempt from grammatical rules. There is a lot of minor grammar and punctuation you have to work on. e.g. " “You’re hair!” he laughed, she looked worried now, self-consciously patting down her hair, “It’s not bad. It’s just so different to your… crazy hair usually. It’s pretty both ways.” "
Try: "
“Your hair!” he laughed.
She looked worried now. Self-consciously she patted her hair down.
“It’s not bad. It’s just so different to your… crazy hair usually. Either way, It’s pretty.” "
- I understand that the page numbers are from the writers work but I do not think it is necessary to know the page numbers unless it is really significant to the story. The asterisks * are also distracting. The reader should be able to see their is a change in character or scene without symbols. Make the transitions with words.
- Is the story depicted here more than 1 chapter? It is quite long. The reader is always looking forward to development and the development here is the story. Now we know the story is continuous so clarifying whether the story is about the story being written or the writer, will help the readers expectations.
- It wasn't convincing that Mabel would do nothing when she heard her father was in an accident. Her best friend was the daughter to a cop so she could have had her friend find out.
The story is promising so I hope this review helps.
Thank you for your comments! I've taken them all into consideration- although one reviewer's words aren't friggin' god, it's just one person's opinion- and I wanted to let you know those numbers were chapters!
Thank you!
-ThatAlaskanChick
Hello
Happy review day!!!!!!!!
(Don't know how i usually do buti think i am getting better) Any who... I thought this was a pretty cool version of the Cinderella (i think i spelt that wrong.... Oh well) story. So far I really like your character, Davy/Dave. I think he sound really cool, a little creepy, but cool.
and luck writing the rest of it (so that i can read it
)
Okay, this is my atemt at doing a good review
Although i think you should cut down on the swearing. It tends to ruin a good story, and (to me anyway) it makes the characters seem spoilt, rude and not werth reading about. Sorry if it sounds harsh but that is what i think and feel.
But over all i thought this story was great
~Nikki
~Firebolts
Thank you for your opinion!
Oh, and I meant to say that this isn't a Cinderella story......
Really? It sounds like one.