(I like rhyming my thoughts I can't put it in words. Don't judge so harsh, everyone has thoughts)
(also the rhymes are not forced so if you can't find the tune then make your own)
I know him and he knows me,
we both will get a hunger for blood eventually,
cutting meat bags down with a smile on my face,
or pulling the trigger accidentally.
Getting butterflies in my stomach for our uneasy dreams,
sick and twisted evil scenes,
doesn't matter what kid or teen,
we'll cut their tongues out and then wipe our knives clean.
My buddy and I have a favourite colour,
it comes out of people made from any mother,
it's shiny and tasty looking too,
a beautiful thing to discover.
I beat animals to calm my friend down,
he says he likes me being cruel,
says he could make me mayor of crazy town.
The devil sold his soul to me,
it says it wants my imagination of cruelty,
thirsting for my disgusting thoughts,
praises the rule of no mercy.
Nobody has a soul until they discover fear,
just stubborn people looking for what *THEY* wanna hear,
it shows who you really are,
without anybody back seat driving telling you where to steer.
My buddy and I have sick and twisted dreams together,
we both grab a pencil and paper,
writing down ideas that go further than ever.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,014 Literary Works • 672,845 Reviews
Hey Thane!
I think I would be more interested in seeing you talk more of what your sick and twisted dreams are. You kind of go into it, with the hurting children and tearing out tongues in the beginning, but then at the end you go on and on about having sick and twisted dreams. Okay. But I think, instead of telling us this ten times, it would be more interesting to show us where these sick and twisted dreams come from and how far they go, really.
Good luck!
Hm, well. OK. Flower here and I will be your reviewer for the evening! Now first off don't be decieved by my name haha, I can have the demented mind set teehee.
Anyway the rhyme scheme confused me, so I put it in my own little thing, and made the best of it that I could. I liked the simplicity of it, it reminded me of my most vivid nightmares. Except that I don't kill others in my dreams. (that might be a bit creepy) Anyway I did like this though, whether it made any sense or not.
Thane... haha, I don't even know you, but if these are the thoughts you have on average, I am very concerned for you. This is one of the most morbid poems that I've read all day... or maybe all year, for that matter-- I'm not even sure what to make of it, so I'll ignore the content and tell you what I thought of the other parts?
However, thumbs up for originality; I haven't seen too much of that today...
I'm not sure why, but I'm a huge fan of the 1-1-2-1 rhyme scheme. Probably because it's annoyingly catchy or something. I think you did fairly maintaining that throughout, but your lines are paced oddly so that some are long, and others are short. It staggers what rhythm you could have had.
I'm not really sure what else to say, other than that this poem, as its title suggest is sick and twisted and I'm quite disturbed.
June
Hey,
This poem doesn't work, but that makes it work. The people in the poem are wither murderers or vampires im presuming so that fact that the rhyme is slightly off and parts don't make sense. Make the poem work.
Well done. I like it.
PM for anything.
~Retro Disco666