There was a small tremor when it landed.
Where did this thing fall, exactly? How close to his home was it, for him to be sensing the tremor? Does the fact it's so close excite him?
The astrologer leapt up from his stool and rushed out of the room, his coat already on. He rushed down the many steps of his astrology tower and slipped past his children’s bedrooms.
You use 'rushed' twice. I might trade one for another word.
It had regenerated enough flesh and bone to resemble a young man
There is a human-like thing regenerating before is very eyes. How does our astrologer feel about this?
^_^ This is my first review in a long time. So I will try and be helpful.
The idea behind this is very interesting, though what I really liked was the twist at the end. It makes me wonder what's going to happen.
I think you did a lot of telling in the first part of the story; there were a lot of simple sentences sort of strung one after another. It wasn't bad or anything, but I felt like the flow was being interupted a lot at the beginning. My first instinct is to tell you to cut back on all the little details, but looking it over again I think the beginning could benefit from a bit more desciption. Is it cold outside? Where is he in his house, a balcony? How long has he been an astrologer? Why is this so important for him? I feel his excitement, but I don't feel like I'm, standing right next to him sharing in the experience because I can't see all the aspects. You know, the five senses and whatnot.
Also, when he runs into the angel (alien, person, thing =P), maybe a bit more description of his feelings. Does he tremble in fear, does he gape in awe, is he confused, angry, happy? I want to feel shocked that this person I've come to understand ends up getting shot.
Last few things.
The angel turned and beat down with its wings, lifting itself into the sky.
How far does it go? I assume it flies off, but you don't say so, so he could just be hovering.
“Dammit. He already landed.”
Who says this? I know it's the people who just showed up, but for a second I wan't sure. What do they sound like, how does the astrologer react to the voice?
There was a click and the dazed astrologer’s eyes refocused, and there was a loud bang as
a bullet breached his cranium.
I think there are too many 'and's in this sentence. Are his eyes refocusing because of the click, or just at the same moment? If it's the later, you could use 'as'.
I hope that helps. This looks pretty interesting. Feel free to PM me if you continue it.
^_^ Keek!
Points: 1478
Reviews: 220
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