Young Writers Society

Hi. This is Kman134. i'm here to review your work.

I enjoyed the elements of death and sadness that was in this poem. this kind of symbolism makes me think about how short life is and how everyone we love will die in the end. I'm aware that sounds a little nihilistic and depressing, but that is the truth in certain cases. the vocabulary is very well done and nicely formed, and the emotional tone was somber and serene.

the rhyming scheme in the first few stanzas was well established, but then it shifts to free verse in the next one. while i'm all for creative writing, it is best if you stuck with the rhyming to put it in sync. if not, then it won't be able to flow correctly and it would be a little off.

Anyways, this was a pretty good poem. i hope to read more.

This review is brought to you by InfiniteRectangles

Hello, InfiniteRectangles here with a review for you!

I liked your use of vocabulary in this poem. That being said, sometimes I feel that the vocabulary takes away from the message. It sounded nice, but the message isn't clear. I had to read through it twice to understand what it was about.

You started to establish a rhyme scheme in the first few stanzas, and then you lost it. And then rhymed again at the end. If you are going to add a rhyme scheme to your poem, it needs to be consistent. The flow was also off in a few places. Try reading the poem out loud to see how it sounds. That might help you with the flow.

That's all I have to say as you've already got two very thorough reviews. Keep writing and have a wonderful day/night! (Also, welcome to YWS!)

First of all, hi there and welcome to the site, ThanaTitania! If you have any questions, don't be afraid to ask me or any other names in green or red. This is Nikayla here dropping in for a review and without further ado, let's jump right in.

I wanted to first make a note on the rhyme scheme--to the reader, there isn't one? At the beginning of the poem for the first four or so lines, the poem seems to have adapted to a AABB. However, in lines five and six, yesterday and story don't rhyme. What perplexes me even more and beyond this point is that at the end of the poem in the last two lines rhyme. I'm going to suggest picking a rhyme scheme and sticking to it if you're going to be using this element.

Delving more into the actual content of the poem, I can see that this takes a bit of a focus on minimalism. Short poetry usually does seeing as the two and complementary colors. Blue and yellow. Green and red. The point is that the two aspects go well together and this isn't an exception. The flow and theme of the poem are two points that I want to touch on. For the flow (I found this to be a weaker point of the piece), I suggest reading aloud what you've written to find the parts with weak diction or syntax. A lyrical poem shouldn't feel as stiff and the word choice should feel more natural.

Finally, the message that this is attempting to get across. To the reader? There isn't one. I'm unsure of what theme you're trying to convey with this--you seem too focused on making the words sound pretty and using a strong vocabulary. Ultimately, this isn't what makes a poem. Word choice and vocabulary can add though it can also subtract. An example of this is the phrase 'uncertain mercurial story' or the other pilings of adjectives.

There are a lot of words relating to emotions used though not shown. The rule in writing 'show, don't tell' can also apply to poetry in this sense. Make the reader feel these emotions instead of just reading these emotion words and go from there in editing and revisions. Keep playing around with this poem to get a stronger outcome and a theme with more clarity to the audience.

If you have any questions, don't be afraid to ask! I hope I helped and have a great day.

Hey there ThanaTitania, welcome to YWS!
Myjaspercat here to review your piece

So, I don't really have an Line-by-Line for you because to be honest I was just slightly confused by your piece. The ideas and the imagery were beautiful however it didn't seem to connect all together (at least to me.) I can't really pinpoint one true emotion in this piece -more like a couple of "skinny" emotions which isn't really all that great because it makes the connection to your piece a little harder. But, all that aside, why don't I show you a few lines that I did like before I get on to the nitty-gritty.

And the pledge of tomorrow's uncertain mercurial story.

Through stones of glamour fancied by your light,

What splendor did twilight bring thee?

Through stones of glamour fancied by your light,