The Encyclopedia of Arius: Salief

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About Myself:

Hello.

I am Thalizar, and I am a Talon Elf. I am also an explorer. I haven’t always been an explorer, I started life as my father did, following in his footsteps in the mines. From a young age I could swing a pick and I was mining away, earning money for my family. It was not until conscription during the War of Criven that I had to put down my pickaxe and pick up a sword and a few spells. It was during that war I gained the title of Bloodlust General; a title highly respected within my culture. When the war had finished I was asked to head to the Council of the Devils and act as Great Commander of the Criven Knights; a group of specialised men trained in case of war again. However, war was not my strong point and the Council realised this and soon decided that the position I had attained was not the best for me. I was removed from this post and hired as an official cartographer; mapping the lands of Salief, Merin, Dorinchen and Ravvenlon. 

People have often asked me whether I think that this was a humiliation, being removed from such a renowned post to such a simple one. I always reply the same; it was no humiliation, I was a fine warrior, but no leader, I always worked best alone and although map-making seems like a simple and easy task, after as little as a month, I had seen things that people can only dream of. Things that those from the City would think were only the things of legend and myth. Of course, there are many who do leave their families to explore and train in the wilderness, these adventurers see the world as well, travelling far and wide to hone their skills in quests of pure brilliance, I respect this, for I have been one too, but I have delved into caverns and climbed mountains and swam oceans and spoken to races that even these adventurers would see as insane. I am an explorer and during my life, the world around me changed. This is my tale, my journal of sorts, which tells the great story of the world I saw.

1. Leaving

I remember stepping out through the gates of my city. I was not born there, nor did it bear any significance to me other than being the capital of my people. Despite this, I did feel a certain sadness as the strap of my cartographer’s satchel rested on my shoulder and my sword glinted in its scabbard, ready to leave for the world. Looking back, I find it funny, I had no idea which way to go, or what to expect, but being a fine illustrator – the quality that allowed me to get the job in the first place – I sat down on a bench outside the gates and began scribbling down what I saw. I drew the tall entrance and the statues lining the path to it. Statues of the four great men of my race; Fulgren the Merciless, who pushed back the Cyclops invasion, his statue holding his twin axes high above his head; Summoner Vay, the man who created the portal that gave us support in the Gorge; Iru the Kind, a healer of such power that when The Outbreak began, she was at the forefront giving aid to the masses; and finally Grand-Mage Nevan, a man who pushed the boundaries of magic so far that the natural world nearly fell beneath his feet. Each statue covered in gold, they shimmered in the sunlight as tourists from far around stood, looking at each one, reading the plaques beneath each one. I drew the towers that poked up from the other side of the wall, the Mage Tower, the grandest of the buildings and the Gallery of the Men, where boys from the age of thirteen trained for their career in arms.

I placed my pencil back in my satchel and dusted off my work, I was pleased with it. It wasn’t the best drawing in the world, but it wasn’t the worst and it was simple to tell what it was. I pulled out my quill and wrote the name of drawing below it; “Blackcloud City”, now ironically named as it hardly rains after the mages found a weather-changing spell. I wrote the name and put the quill where the pencil had gone and pushed myself up, sighing as I did so, and my sword bumping against the wooden seat making more noise than I had hoped. I dusted myself down and looked down the path from the city. As the strange sadness slowly faded away I took my first step into a career that was to take to me to a world that I never imagined I would see. 

The gravel path through the small wood near the City was a lovely walk. I jotted down a few trees onto the map, it wasn’t overly detailed, but there wasn’t much here, a small pond with some seats for families and nice days out. The trees however were the nicest part of the wood. Prior to learning Lovar’silen, the weather-changing spell, the trees here were wet and damaged from continuous storms however now, they adorned themselves in silver leaves that spread outwards over the path, covering it but allowing shafts of light to shine through and although the City is not my favourite place in Salief, these woods have to be one of the most beautiful places I have ever seen, even today. I reached up and picked a few leaves, assuming I may need their healing quality at a later date and as I plucked each one the branch would bounce back sharply. I pocked the leaves and continued to walk slowly, the gravel crunching under my feet. The birds around me, Morrowfinches, sang sweetly in the cool spring breeze and the sound of laugher could be heard in the distance, the sound of children playing with families across the grass. 

I soon reached Gruin Town, a small hamlet known simply for trading. In fact, it was not until this book, The Encyclopaedia of Arius, that the town became popular. It is now a common tourist attraction for those visiting the City and at least gives people something to do and the town some income. However, at the time I arrived there, it was nothing but two houses and a few warehouses. The people were happy to greet me and I greeted them with the same pleasant attitude. Being nothing more than a trading town, it did not have many places for a cartographer to sit and scrawl but as I had come to the conclusion that I would most likely be drawing in places worse than this I would have to make do, and I sat down on a doorstep and began drawing. The white bricks of the warehouses dominated the wooden cottages, in a way that made them appear scared and terrified of such progress. Smoke poured out of the chimneys on the stockrooms and sounds of grunting and spellweaving could be heard within as men and women pushed crates and barrels around indoors. I finished the final touches on the picture and rolled the map back up, pushing it into my satchel. There were no towns nearby after this one and the map would not be needed for a while. I sat for a moment and closed my eyes, just listening, the sounds of the Morrowfinches silenced by the groans of workers and the air dusty from work.

As I sat there listening I felt something suddenly touch my shoulder, I opened my eyes and saw someone I had almost forgotten.“Charg!” I exclaimed, standing up quickly, “Is that you?”

“Ha! Aye, it’s me.” The person responded, “How’ve you been my friend?” He held out his hand and I shook it quickly,

“Ah, well… you can’t complain can you?” I was beaming, happy to see my friend from so long ago. I fought beside him in the Criven War; his grand axe had sliced through hordes of enemies and his mount ridden over their corpses. He wasn’t the most delicate killer but you certainly felt a lot happier having him on your side and being an orc, the bond he and I have is always strong. He stood there strong and tall, covered in plate mail, that trusty axe tied onto his back, only the pale blue skin of his face and hands showing.

“No! No you can’t at all” he replied, his voice strong and gruff, “What…urr... what are you doing with yourself now? I heard you got kicked off the Council of Devils? What ever happened to my good friend Thalizar, Great Commander of the Criven Knights, surely they haven’t stripped that title from you!?” His voice bellowed and he punched my shoulder playfully as he said it, I held in a wince and replied,

“Well… I was never a leader Charg! You know that.”

“Yes...” he chuckled, “It was always drawing you were more interested in!”

I smiled back and pulled my satchel around, pulled out the map and handed it to him saying, “Cartographer Thalizar, happy to help?” I laughed and so did he,

“Cartographer!? Seriously? Are you joking? They’ve got you running around making maps?”

“It’s not as bad as it sounds, seriously. I mean… I’ve mapped the City and bits and pieces… it’s more fun than standing around teaching boys how to hold a sword!” I replied cheekily, knowing that Charg spent a few months last year training new recruits, a job he hated with a passion. Charg laughed at the comment but had nothing to say, so resorted to punching my arm again.

I sat back down on the step and took a deep sigh. Charg sat down next to me, “So, where you headed next?” He asked,

“Urr…” I hadn’t completely thought through where I was going to go next, “I… probably Dawnriver Village?” I replied, Charg smiled at me and bellowed,

“Well, my friend! Let me accompany you! I’m on my way to Scarrow, the city just past Dawnriver, we can walk together?”

I smiled back and stood up, held out my hand and pulled him up, he seemed heavier than I remembered and I grunted as I pulled him. The orc swung his axe back over his shoulder and I did the same with my satchel; a less impressive feat. Charg placed two fingers in between his lips and blew a long whistle, the stomping of hooves appeared from behind me and I turned to see my friend’s old horse, Maren, behind me. She was a fine beast, a creature tainted by magic but still, incredibly beautiful. Her hooves, sparking green with every step and her eyes burnt out and replaced with coals that roared with the colour of acid. This was the result of the Criven War. Maren stood tall next to Charg and he leapt on, holding tight, sitting tall and strong. “Ready, elf?” he said bluntly and called for Maren to walk on.

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Caesar
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Caesar wrote a review · Sun Dec 30, 2012 2:06 pm

Alright, hey Thalizar, Louis here to review this for you.

A quick note before I begin, you might want to try to add a line break between each paragraph/dialogue, it makes things much easier on the eye.


The 'About Myself' part:

Well, it was good, but it seems a bit info-dumpy to me. I mean, it serves as an introduction, and it introduces the fact it's a diary, book of sorts. Which allows for leaning on the fourth wall, and sometimes speaking directly to the reader. However, I don't understand to whom Thalizar is speaking. The audience would change his tone. If it's a general introduction, and the book is meant to be viewed by students, cartographers and the like, I would have suggested a grander, more formal tone, as with many medieval books (not that 'hello' isn't formal, but more could have been done). I dunno, it's just I'm not fond of those kind of introductions. Do what you will.

Also a nit-pick:

When the war had finished I was asked to head to the Council of the Devils and act as Great Commander of the Criven Knights; a group of specialised men trained in case of war again.


A semicolon joins two clauses that could stand as independent sentences, in this cases it's incorrect, I believe.

And on that note, your character must be pretty old, in human years. He's served as a miner, joined the army, risen to the ranks of General (no mean feat, that takes, usually, decades of service to the army). Just something I wanted to point out.

Of course, there are many who do leave their families to explore and train in the wilderness, these adventurers see the world as well, travelling far and wide to hone their skills in quests of pure brilliance, I respect this, for I have been one too, but I have delved into caverns and climbed mountains and swam oceans and spoken to races that even these adventurers would see as insane.


Woah, this is a long syntactical period indeed. You may want to use full-stops at some point, for example after 'pure brilliance.' And about that pure brilliance, I'm not sure it's the right word in the circumstances, and am not sure about that 'of' either. If they're questing, they're questing for pure brilliance, and even then, probably for knowledge. Compare the definition of brilliance: http://www.thefreedictionary.com/brilliance and the definition of knowledge: http://www.thefreedictionary.com/knowledge .

I drew the tall entrance and the statues lining the path to it. Statues of the four great men of my race; Fulgren the Merciless, who pushed back the Cyclops invasion, his statue holding his twin axes high above his head; Summoner Vay, the man who created the portal that gave us support in the Gorge; Iru the Kind, a healer of such power that when The Outbreak began, she was at the forefront giving aid to the masses; and finally Grand-Mage Nevan, a man who pushed the boundaries of magic so far that the natural world nearly fell beneath his feet.


Right about now, I would have liked some more description, say, of the city, and the gates. Furthermore, your use of semi-colons is again incorrect in cases.

The trees however were the nicest part of the wood. Prior to learning Lovar’silen, the weather-changing spell, the trees here were wet and damaged from continuous storms however now, they adorned themselves in silver leaves that spread outwards over the path, covering it but allowing shafts of light to shine through and although the City is not my favourite place in Salief, these woods have to be one of the most beautiful places I have ever seen, even today.


Again, very long. I recommend you break it up with a full-stop after a certain point. However, your description here is quite pretty, I like it.

“Ha! Aye, it’s me.” The person responded,


Comma instead of full-stop, loose the capitalization.

This was the result of the Criven War.


You may want to expand on that, even if briefly. I'm not quite sure what the result is, and if it only extends to acid-green sparks.


Overall though, this was an enjoyable read, it was a pleasure reviewing this.

Hope this helped
~Ita

Thank you so much! YWS was screwing up on me saying I had posts on this when I didn't, but now I do! So thank you. This was mostly an attempt at first-person descriptive writing and looking through it now, I can see the faults you've picked up on (I guess that's why you're meant to proof read!) anyway, thank you very much and I'll keep you posted on any updates I make and if you have anything you would like me to review I would be happy to do so! Thanks!

- Thal

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Thalizar
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If you have commented on this, can you PM me? I don't seem to be able to read the comments...

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Thalizar
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