Chapter 1
Graduation!
Isn’t odd how so much can change in such little time? In the blink of an eye, you could go from living an average life, to never being average in any way ever again. One singular thing you see, experience, or just being at the wrong place at the wrong time can change your whole life for better or for worse. This is the story of a girl whose life was changed, no rather, she was changed all because of something that happened on a day that most of us would be excited for.
Victoria, or as she preferred Vicky, was a normal girl. Well, as normal as one can be I suppose, for what even is normal? Either way, she wasn’t particularly special, not like being the president’s daughter anyhow. She had fairly good grades, and was some-what athletic. However, is was her beauty that set her apart from others. She had tanned skin, long silky chestnut hair, and sweet rosy cheeks. As pleasant as those features were, it was her bright smile and sea blue eyes that made her so stunning. Her teeth a were clean, and straight (she had had braces for two years between 4th and 6th grade), and her eyes were almost like looking into a vast blue ocean, and were nearly impossible to look away from.
This year she was graduating the 8th grade, and was very excited. She attended a school called Hoffman Preparatory School of Education, or Hoffman Prep, which was located of Hoffman Lane. The school was made of brick and stone, and had a sort of colonial feeling. It had sizeable oak trees, and a large grassy area in the front. It had classes from the 1st to the 8th grades.
“Can you believe this is the last day of school?!” excitedly whispered Vicky to her best friend June.
“It’s pretty crazy I feel like this year has gone by so fast,” she replied a little too loudly.
“No talking during class,” said the Ms. Moore, irritated, “I know you’re excited to graduate, and believe me so am I, but you still must pay attention!”
June was a chatty girl, but, nevertheless, incredibly sweet. She had short, curly blond hair, and olive-green eyes. She enjoying being ‘in-the-know’ and was very fashionable. She kept up with the latest drama and fashion trends. Vicky often warned her to stay away from gossiping, which to her was like a bone to a dog. Her and Vicky had been best friends for years, and planned to for the rest of their lives. Unfortunately, life is what happens when you’re making other plans.
June frowned at Vicky, and then went back to listening to the teacher talk about mathematics.
The day passed by quickly, and before they knew it, they were brought to a small ceremony. It wasn’t the official graduation, just a small good-bye, and speech. After-ward, the teachers announced that there was going to be a small party held in celebration. The parents had been told to pick up their children after the party through an email sent out a few weeks before-hand.
The party was amazing! There was a place where you could dance, a buffet with all kinds of food, and even a chocolate fountain! There were also a few tables set out where you could eat. The room itself was mostly dark except for a large disco ball right in the middle. Most of the students were dancing, which included Vicky and June.
“Isn’t this awesome?!” Shouted June. The music was very loud so in order to be heard you had to shout.
“Yeah it’s so cool!”
“I can’t believe the school did this. I love parties!”
Vicky laughed and they both continued dancing.
After about half an hour they both decided to take a rest, and grab some food.
“Oh my gosh!” Squealed Vicky, “They have a chocolate fountain!”
The party had been going for about an hour when all of a sudden, the loud speaker turned on with a beep.
“All students must leave the building immediately. An intruder has been spotted on the premises. I repeat: an intruder has been spot- Wait, please don’t-!” The announcement ended with the sound of a gunshot echoing through the speaker. Everything was quiet because of the shock, and then, chaos. Everyone started screaming and running in every direction. Another gunshot rang through the auditorium where the party was held. As Vicky tried to get through the crowd of panicked children, she saw Ms. Moore on the ground with a pool of blood around her head. She stopped for a moment fighting back tears. Ms. Moore had never been one of Vicky’s favorite teachers, but seeing her laying on the ground, dead, was something she would never wish upon anyone. She rushed towards the exit, and breathed a sigh of relief as she walked through the door, but just as she did she saw a man. A tall man, with a dark black beard sticking through his black ski mask. He was wearing all black, and had the build of what you would perceive a lumber jack to have. In his hand, though, was not an axe, instead it was a gun. At this point in time, Vicky began quietly crying, because she believed this was her end. Then, instead, the man turned his gun upside-down, and hit her on the head. Everything went black. It was like space without stars. It was utter and complete darkness.
Has there ever been a time in your life when you regret something? You just wished, with all your soul, you could go back in time and change that thing. It may have been a small thing, maybe a large thing. Maybe this thing caused many other bad things to happen. What if you had called your parents to come pick you up from a friend’s house, and it turns out that on their way there a drunk driver crashed into your parent’s car killing them? You would wish that you had called you parents just 10 minutes later, and then they would probably would have been alright. But you would learn that time travel is not possible. And so, whatever your regret may be, you cannot fix it. Now you know how Vicky felt.
Chapter 2
Kidnapped
Perspective. This is a word describing how you look at things. For example: one can look at a glass half full, or a glass half empty. They say that if you look at a glass half full you tend to be optimistic, or look on the bright side of things. You can find the good in even the worst of places. From your perspective this is just a story, and Vicky’s feelings, thoughts, or experiences are fictional, but for Vicky they are very real.
At this point in time Vicky was now conscious, but had no memory as to how she got where she was. If I weren’t to tell you how she got where she was, you may perceive me to be lazy, or not care to create a way for her to get where she was. So, I will now tell you how. These people, which I will refer to as kidnappers, were much smarter than you believe. And now, you will learn of their plan.
Something that you may be unaware of, is that orphanages are paid when a child is adopted. The people who adopt the child are, in fact, paying for this child. In most cases, this is so that the orphanage can continue to feed, clothe, and provide a home for these orphaned children, but not in this case. These kidnappers ran an orphanage of their own. They made desperate parents, or- well, people I won’t describe, pay more than most orphanages for these children because they were ‘beautiful children’.
They would take the more beautiful children from schools, and use the others as a distraction. They would first try to gather all of the children and choose which to take, and would then load them up in some way. Meanwhile, the kidnappers themselves, would call the police using a child’s phone and report what was happening posing as a distressed teacher.
Then would they would keep the children ‘hostage’, and say that they would let the children go, if the police let them go. Now before they do any of this, they research the police officers in the area. They try to find out if any of them have children, and if any of their children attended this school. Why? You may ask. Because, if your child’s life was on the line, you would be much more suggestable. In order to scare this already terrified mother or father, they would first threaten one of the still living teachers. This teacher, they would, regrettably, kill.
One of the police offers, named David Cretan, had a daughter in the 8th grade who was attending this party. His daughter’s name was June.
This is the first & beginning of the second chapter I've been writing for my book! I'm just curious to see what everyone thinks, if it makes sense, and please, feel free to make corrections! I need it! Thank you for taking the time out of your day to read this.
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125,028 Literary Works • 672,774 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm Harry. A late welcome to YWS for ya as I review your story!
First Impression: This was a really nice start to a story. Its a very interesting way of writing that you are using and so far I'm loving it. The premise seems really cool and I would love to read more of it. Just a couple of things for me to point out. Onto those down below.
Anyway let's get right to it,
Well that's an interesting way to start off a story there. Little synopsis almost. Sounds pretty intriguing with what could possibly have happened. Good start.
Really nice description you have here. Starting straight out with it is a little on the nose but I guess since its a narrator its fine. Also you have an extra a there.
Umm the excitement. Showing that in her actions later would probably be a better idea rather than simply saying it. Maybe show her talking fast or maybe having a lot of energy or something along those lines. Besides that that's a really good description that you've put there for the school.
Pretty good description for the party as well.
Well that escalated quickly. Pretty good bit of action although. Vicky's reaction was pretty good too, it shows her fear and confusion at what's going on. Her just freezing like that and being quiet is very true to what would happen in real life. The one thing I would maybe change are those last two sentences. Its a bit too long. For a blackout like that just try to stick to one short sentence. That way it has more of an impact so to say. If you stretch out across three sentences it sorta prolongs the moment too much. Chopping both those last sentences would probably do that trick. Just read it that way and see if you can get what I mean about the impact of a short sentence versus three sentences. In fact if you make that one sentence its own one line paragraph it would probably be even better at conveying the shock of it.
That's a nice little touch having the narrator be a character almost in this one. It's actually a pretty nice way of telling this story. I kinda like it.
Okay that's an interesting way to give out information rather than action. You do it pretty well though so that's fine. Otherwise sometimes this style can get boring if you're just narrating.
Now that's an awesome ending. I'd love to read more after this. The plan also seems surprisingly plausible for the most part. There are a couple of things about it that seem slightly off such as the orphanage running part which seems like a little overly complicated but the whole kidnapping strategy is actually pretty clever and could actually work out provided the kidnappers had a lot of people in their work so points for that.
You're welcome!! It definitely makes sense and I'd love to see where it goes next. It seems like a pretty cool idea and it definitely gives you a lot of incentive to keep reading.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
Overall: Overall it was a pretty good place to start a novel. The characters didn't really get any sort of fleshing out which is fine because we're still in the very beginning but I hope to see a bit more personality from Vicky as we go along. Right now all we see is that she likes parties and is excited to graduate which isn't much. Looking forward to reading more!
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Wow, thank you very much.
You're Welcome!!
Hi, the others have pretty much told all the grammar mistakes, but I found another
“Her and Vicky had been for years,” it should be “ she and Vicky had been best friends for years”
Hi, the others have pretty much told all the grammar mistakes, but I found another
“Her and Vicky had been for years,” it should be “ she and Vicky had been best friends for years”
Okay, thank you for letting me know
Hello TeyaKnife!
First, I want to say this is a very creative piece. I love how you fabricated the "kidnapping system." From how you described it I could easily see it could be real. There isn't an overkill of description, but there is just enough for me to envision the scene, while still leaving enough room for me to fill in the insignificant blanks. I especially enjoyed how you addressed the readers personally, like some older authors did e.i. Louisa May Alcott.
On to the critique
although I thoroughly enjoy the plot, I don't really have a connection with Vicky. I understand its just in the first chapter but maybe you could include some more of her personality. That is usually the deciding factor of whether someone would continue reading your book or not, how well they can relate to the character. Also at the part where you say,
"It was like space without stars. It was utter and complete darkness."
I feel like it would sound better if you added another description for darkness. Other than that, it is amazing so far! I can't wait to read more.
spacekitty out
Thank you very much spacekitty
Hello Teyaknife,
Welcome to YWS! Let's get started, shall we?
First of all, your writing has such a charming voice. It reminds me of Lemony Snicket's series. I like how you address the reader here and there in the story. It becomes personal and a little relatable to the main character as we follow her journey.
Also, the plot is unique. I have never, ever read or seen something where the kidnappers went to such lengths to gain money. That being said, their motives were confusing. I had to reread the paragraphs a couple of times to understand.
I noticed some small grammatical errors, so be sure to double-check. Grammarly is great at picking out small errors, so that might help.
The comma does not need to be there. If this was rewritten using the conjunction...
It feels cleaner now.
In books, the characters need to be established early on. The most we get out of Vicky is a physical description and that she doesn't like gossip. What else do we need to know? Vicky's been kidnapped. How does she react? What is she thinking? (If I got anything wrong, please correct me.)
The scene of the shooting was executed very well. The emotions were on spot, and I felt scared for Vicky and the others. And that moment with the announcement was horrifying.
I would like to see more active sentences.
The reader gets the idea that hearing the speaker get murdered was shocking. How about this?
See how it's more effective than a passive sentence. Find a good balance between description and simple language. Find a style that suits you.
Let's try to make this sentence less passive.
I know this is long, but this story is really creative. Keep developing your voice! I can't wait to read more.
Great job!
Athena
Thank you for reading, and for helping me with my plentiful amount of grammatical errors
Hello and greetings, I am Lezuli and I shall be reviewing this. To start out with, you have the bones of a great story, but just need a little polishing to make it that way.
To start-
This sentence is awkward because you started it like you were listing something, then suddenly verged in a completely different direction. It might flow a bit better if you re-wrote it a little more like this- 'One singular thing, like just being at the wrong place at the wrong time can change your whole life for the worst.'
this sentence is a run-on. You could add a period before 'no rather' or after and it would make it better.
You accidentally put an 'is' where there should be an 'it'.
You don't need the 'a' between 'teeth' and 'were'. That comma is also unnecessary.
This sentence is strange, it would feel better if you swapped 'excitedly' and 'whispered'.
Afterword and beforehand do not need a dash between the words.
If you want 'they' to be capitalized, then you should switch that comma into a period.
Two things here. #1 : I think it would make that paragraph less intimidating if you started a new paragraph at the start of this sentence. And #2 : It is a bit of a run-on sentence, maybe add a comma where the 'and' is right now.
Add a period before 'but for Vicky', it'll make this sentence less long.
Okay, several things here, but to start off: that first few words really confused me. 'If I weren't to tell you' is a very strange way to use the word 'weren't.' I had to read this sentence several times before I understood it. Perhaps you could change it to something more like- 'If I didn't tell you how she got(...)'. Another thing, this is a run-on again, so add a period after 'lazy', it'll give the sentence more oomf as well. And finally, these sentences are kindof redundant. In most stories like this, the M.C has no idea what happened to them and they have to figure it out along the way. So the reader won't blame the narrator for anything. If you like the interactive narrator, then keep it, but you don't really need it.
And my final piece of advice it to make Vicky sound a bit more mature. She sounds very childlike during this story and I don't know if that is intention of your part or not, but it isn't very accurate. Vicky is probably around 13 or 14, right? And children that age think pretty similarly to teenagers.
If you like Vicky the way she is, then feel free to completely ignore me. This is your story and I don't want to intrude.
And...that's all I have fore you! I hope you take none of this personally and that this helps you in your writing!
probably that's a set up for character developement
Vicky being immature I mean
Yes, her being childish was on purpose. I had plannned to tell more about her as the story went on, and as said before, for character development
Also, thank you!
Ah, I see. Sorry for misinterpreting, it makes much more sense now!
Hi TeyaKnife, let me start of by saying this is a exiting and very thrilling start to what I hope to be an incredible novel. Was hooked by the concept and can't wait for the rest of chapter 2. Now without further ado, the review of chapter 1. I was really hooked by the first paragraph of the story. It was very mysterious but also insightful. I did happen to notice that you have done something similar at the beginning of the second chapter. I really like the concept and think that there might be some way to improve/lengthen the paragraph as a definitive way to start a new chapter in your book. I feel like you could add a little more description in some parts like when they're at the party. It would help me visualize it better in my head in some scenes. I noticed that there were a few grammatical errors throughout the text so I highly recommend running your writing though a program like Grammarly. And my finale piece of advice it to slow it down. Your story feels very rushed at times like the beginning. I would recommend using the save the cat method. In its simplistic form, save the cat is making a character lovable. Do something not at all related to the plot to have the reader get to know the character like saving a cat from a tree. In your case, it would work well to have her save someone from a school bully or something like that. That's all from me for now but I cant wait to read the next chapter.
Good luck and happy writing,
RadDog
Thank you, and I definitely use the save the cat method. It seems like a great idea