Published October 16, 2007
Based on a story I'm writing about the worshipers of the moon V. the worshipors of the spear. Your typical feminism V. brutality of man kind of story in where the moon is not just the moon, but a walking goddess injured by the spear who take her child from her and use him against her people.
Never really wrote the story, actually, just the poem...
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Man once worshipped me
They offered sweet sacrifices to me
Beautiful tokens of love put out for me
They put down their very lives to me.
Women, they cut their hair for me,
Wore garlands of flowers with me
They used to smile for me
Give their very joy to me.
Children, they used to laugh with me
Played and beat their feet for me
Felt more then safe in me
Slept and danced their dreams with me.
The spear then took that vantage from me
Took cool and calculated time with me
Laughed his cruel and spiteful laugh at me
And carved his weapons from me.
Then you celebrated the kill with me
Raced the forest and triumphed for me
Took the beating hearts from their bodies
For me.
Never dreaming they would harm me
How they could tackle and disarm me
Strip my very power from me
Then spit, and wish the devil on me.
Man once worshipped me,
Before they carved my heart from me,
Took my very child from me
And carried him away.
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Tess--
After the first three strophes, the 'me' is overwhelming. Overwhelmingly bad.
The reason this doesn't get off the ground is perhaps because it remains idly cycling from one abstraction to the next. I don't even know who/what the "child" in the penultimate line is--the worshipers? I don't know. It's too vague to really generate more than dull recognition in the reader.
Better luck next time,
Brad
I think you should say "Men" rather than "Man" because the following stanzas use the plural forms--"Women" and "Children".
Perhaps "They laid down their very lives for me."
Just say, "Women cut their hair for me." The "they" is unnecessary and messes with the rhythm.
Why did they cut their hair, incidentally? This seems out of place. Perhaps I don't know the background well enough?
This is one of your most effective stanzas; the language and rhythm really do bring children to mind.
Again, you could just say "Children used to laugh with me."
Should be "Felt more than safe," to be nitpicky for a mo'.
I'm not sure on the use of "vantage" in the first stanza.
Other than that, I think this stanza is great; it says a lot in a short space.
This one upset me because it doesn't follow the same structure and rhythm as the preceding ones...could you add more to the last line?
I also don't understand how this fits into the rest of the poem; who is "you" and why does "you" come in? What kill is this? It's a sudden jump from the previous stanza, no?
I liked the first two lines a lot because you actually incorporated rhyme; this sounds great and emphasizes the repeated word.
Excellent, repeating the first line of the first stanza here at the end. (Again, I would say "Men" instead of "Man".) I like the way the last line is the only one that doesn't end in "me"--that repeated word became an effective device throughout the poem. It was haunting, almost. The way you disrupt it by leaving it out of the last line underscores its use.
Overall, good job; it's certainly different from a lot of the stuff here. I believe I saw your post in the Welcome forums...welcome back to YWS!
-Colleen
It was very good, and the only thing I can really say is to add the proper punctuation, and to possibly pull the idea more tightly together. It is good, real enjoyable, but bring me into it more, make me feel something, don't just tell me what they've done to "you" (as in the speaker). If you can do that, it will be even better.
With the "me" at the end of almost every line, I couldn't really focus on anything else, grammar-wise. Although, it was a very...mystical piece. I felt pity for the "me", and wondered why they stole the power from him/her. I like it when there's that mysterious identity in a piece of poetry. Good job!
I had a global look, and notice that there is a "me" at the end of almost every line. Which I thought would be a bit repetitive, quite the contrary. I added some sort of flow to the poem, and when read out loud it sounds great
Props to exceeding beyond my expectations.
Other than that, it wasn't too simplistic yet not that descriptive. Somewhere in between.
Your stanza's remain 4 fully used lines up until the 5th stanza. You could either add something to it, or make it 3 stanza's by cutting some words out. That's all about the poem's overview, the way it is structured adds a great impression
Overall, a very nice read
Cheerios, Chandni