Moonlight casts an eerie shadow;
The wind whines in its pane.
Waves crash as if to rid themselves of heartache
Against the shore, hurled with all their might.
-
The stars are clogged by thick clouds;
The salt air is cold.
Far away,
So far away,
Across the world, the sun rises
In its glory.
-
Fear leaves this invisible town.
A man walks alone across the beach,
Silhouetted against the sunrise,
A heart of gold
Yet his smile doesn't reach his eyes.
-
He is weeping as he spreads out ashes all across the sand.
The water laps against the shore,
Feasting on a soul.
-
Gold glows across the ocean,
As if the sun were reflecting on a mirror.
His eyes light up;
He sees her.
Wrapped in white,
Her eyes, like pearls glowing in a sun-kissed field,
Her lips like sarvice,
Her hair the harvest.
-
He barely hears her,
Yet he smiles;
Her words drop like rain,
Rippling against the still sea.
-
And in this instant...
-
He is at peace.
-
But then she is gone,
Vanished in his imagination;
The waves begin to lap again.
-
And I sit on a dune,
watching it all,
Writing away.
-
Before it disappears.
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
Hey there! It's ZeldaIsShiek here to review another quintessential piece of literature that made my day and win this Review Day by helping the Red Pandas stay in first place and reaching my goal of 80 reviews. I might even get to 100, if I work hard enough. I am really excited to review this amazing piece of art that you have created, and maybe add some witty humor as well. Anyway, that's enough idle chatter from me. Let's get into the review.
Moonlight casts an eerie shadow;
Italicized = My interpretation of the line
Bolded = Spelling mistake
Strikethrough = Remove
Underline = Add imagery/descriptive words
Spoiler
The wind whines in its pane.
Waves crash as if to rid themselves of heartache
Against the shore, hurled with all their might.
-This first stanza describes the setting of the poem.
The stars are clogged by thick clouds;
The salt air is cold.
Far away,
So far away,
Across the world, the sun rises
In its glory.
-The poem is stating that it is a dark night.
Fear leaves this invisible town.
A man walks alone across the beach,
Silhouetted against the sunrise,
A heart of gold
Yet his smile doesn't reach his eyes.
-A man is walking the beach as night is leaving.
He is weeping as he spreads out ashes all across the sand.
The water laps against the shore,
Feasting on a soul.
-He is spreading the ashes of a dead loved one, and the waves rise to claim them.
Gold glows across the ocean,
As if the sun were reflecting on a mirror.
His eyes light up;
He sees her.
Wrapped in white,
Her eyes, like pearls glowing in a sun-kissed field,
Her lips like sarvice,
Her hair the harvest.
-The man sees a brief apparition of his dead loved one dressed in white.
He barely hears her,
Yet he smiles;
Her words drop like rain,
Rippling against the still sea.
-She whispers a last goodbye to him, probably, "I love you."
And in this instant...
-
He is at peace.
-
But then she is gone,
Vanished in his imagination;
The waves begin to lap again.
-[i]The ghost disappears and he is left with sadness again
And I sit on a dune,
watching it all,
Writing away.
-
Before it disappears.
I like this poem because of its diverse use of similes and metaphors which immediately engaged my imagination. I like how it leads slowly to an encounter with what I understood to be a dreamlike vision. The ending is brilliant with the speaker revealing that it is something that he observed.
MY favorite lines are
suggestions
I would not use "heart of gold" because it is a cliche'.
The "pane" reference confused me.
Was the reader told that they had ceased lapping?
A brief mention of the types of words she is saying would be nice.
This is a very atmospheric and sensory piece. I love how it touches on all 5 senses, sight, sound, touch, smell, taste.
A lot of really good lines in this piece.
"hurled with all their might"
"a heart of gold"
"her words drop like rain"
There were also a few lines I thought were confusing and an odd choice of words:
"The wind whines in its pane" - don't you mean "pain"? I don't quite get the meaning of wind whining in its "pane"
I think you could cut "so far away" in the second stanza and it would sound stronger.
"He is weeping as he spreads out ashes all across the sand" - I think you could express this differently. Maybe just leave it at "He spreads ashes over the sand" and we can infer he's not happy from the previous line of the smile not reaching his eyes.
"Vanished in his imagination" - you could do away with this line and we can infer he just saw her in his mind.
Nice twist at the end of the author watching the whole thing take place. In his/her mind? We don't know.
Thanks for sharing,
-Dream