I agree that it would be improved if it was split up into stanzas...after reading so many short lines one after another I got slightly bored. But it was a good job nonetheless.
Eurgh...apologies. I had to post this again because my computer decided to act up. Grarg.
Flowers
the barrier of soldiers
grim sentinels
their look is softened
a woman with pink flowers
carefully places
each blossom
on the bulletproof
shields
their heads are bowed
i wonder if they weep
for the simple beauty
and sweetness
of the carnations
their pink petals
are vibrant
in a desolate
snowy
landscape
she reaches to him
her bare hands grasping
the stem of the flower
his eyes are closed
his expression is sad
and somehow remorseful
she looks grave
yet hopeful
and determined
dreaming of justice
and peace
the snow falls
and ice forms on the flowers
a rare
crystalline shield
diamonds
that will kill the blossom
within hours
Copyright 2004 Heather/Terrwyn
I wrote this in response to a picture I saw in Newsweek about the elections in Ukraine...interesting stuff. Anyway, critiques and comments very much appreciated.[pre][/pre]
I agree that it would be improved if it was split up into stanzas...after reading so many short lines one after another I got slightly bored. But it was a good job nonetheless.
hmm...i liked it...i think...no.. I did, really.. I would like it even more if you seperated it into stanzas...my interest began to waver... Anyway, good job, keep writing!
It's actually very good-- I don't have any critiques, but then, I'm no poet, lol....
My favourite part:
"a woman with pink flowers
carefully places
each blossom
on the bulletproof
shields
their heads are bowed
i wonder if they weep
for the simple beauty
and sweetness
of the carnations"
That was really awesome the way you contrasted the sweet innocence and beauty of the flowers with the grim solemnity of the bulletproof vests- awesome.
Ooh- and OT: I love your avatar!! ^_^
i think it'll work best along side the picture but it does a really godo job of painting a picture by itself. one thing though...
"i wonder of they weep" do you mean "if they weep"
Actually..I wasn't really aiming for an outrageous political statement...*shrugs* Thank you all for the comments and suggestions. 
The only thing I would change would to be to make the whole Ukranian thing a little less obvious. Throughout the poem, you're expecting some sort of outrageous political statement, which, of course, there are none, but still. It's kind of unsettling.
Other than that, great job. I loved the poem...very simple, sweet, sad, yeah, all that in one. A rare gift, Terrawyn!
nice poem. good use or words, i enjoyed reading it. nice flow. havn't got much bad to say about it. keep up the good work, for you are talented lol.
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