That sullen star sat in between
the lumtum turt and the burchadee tree,
when there beneath the wuntum leaves,
sat the ho hum fiddler and the pertum feef.
Said the fiddler to the feef,
“Sturplid weather,” and he foothed.
Said the feef to the fiddler,
“Ho snatch hummit,”and he scoothed.
“Tortlesnat,” poothed the fiddler,
and he drew upon his knee
the lesty, golden strings
that once soothed the turtlebee.
“Jibbit dawn it?” torqued the feef,
and he snaggled forth his jagger.
The fiddler merely tortled
and ran his bow afisty fever.
The tortie was afoot,
the purtled feef had little choice.
He ran his feef across his lips
and jibbered to the noise.
“Ho bit hobbit!” starled the fiddler,
and his grin was wide as tulm,
when the feef let out a panter,
erstombled by the tune.
His breath came out in lurdles,
his face turned a drumsy red,
And with a heaving windsome
The feef fell over, dead.
The music ran away,
wimbly, wudly through the wood,
and the feef’s breath scattered after,
like a wild hurdybird.
Bemused and imbertrescent,
The fiddler played till he was stug.
“Sturtle marbit, ho trip fest it,”
and the genswen man shrugged.
“Storbit torbit, undiscouth!”
His grin was undisguised the day
the hohumming fiddler
taught the scoothful feef to play.
Hey Terra,
Before I begin, let me give a disclaimer: I have not studied poetry at all, and the advice that I am about to offer is based on nothing more than my own inner reader's biased opinions.
Nonsense poetry relies heavily on rhythm and rhyme and alliteration and wordplay. But it is also far more fun to write a serious, or sad, or epic, or beautiful story in this nonsense manner.
Your poem has rhythm, but its rhyme is tentative at best. There is no use of alliteration, and the assonance sounds rather infantile on occasion. Saying storbit torbit is like saying poopid stoopid. It sounds immature.
The reason Lewis Carroll and Dr Seuss are so successful in their respective styles of nonsense poetry is that they write high end philosophical messages or epic stories in the form of nonsense. This contrast makes the poems interesting to read, and often funny.
The ingredient I think is missing here is the anchor to ground your nonsense to reality, and without that it really reads like a bunch of nonsense rather than an epic poem.
Hope this helped
Yoda