Published April 12, 2009
I think this goes in here, it's not quite a short story or a novel. It's a short piece (400 words) but something I'm quite pleased with. Although I would like you guys to rip it to shreds and tell me what's wrong and what's right. 
It is meant to be more descriptive than anything.
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My bare feet felt cold against the damp ground of our front lawn as I toyed dangerously wit the idea of walking along the foreboding river, where stories of rape and murder hung thick in the air, like a fog. My rationality took over and guided my wet feet onto the tar of the busier roads.
I walked continuously down Sunset Avenue, wary of the shadows cast by the dim street lights, scared by the movement of the darkness caused by the headlights of passing cars.
The trees hung over me like ominous demons waiting to catch me off-guard. I turned, momentarily distracted by the music blaring from a passing car. As I turned back a twisted hand of bark and twigs caught in my hair, pulling strands loose and leaving them tickling the nape of my neck.
The air around me was cold and damp, the ice cold wisps of wind breathing down my neck, sending a chill down my spine like cold fingers desperately grasping and taking the last of my sanity.
The musty smell of the damp ground rose up and caressed my senses, the first sense of something normal I had experienced all evening. The noisy crickets creaked carelessly as I passed them, calling out to the dark night for salvation from pressing loneliness.
I violently pulled my head away from the evil claws, turned down the next street and started running. My numb feet began to sting as they pounded against the asphalt while small stones and seemingly insignificant shards of glass cut my skin open. I cried out in pain as a stone sliced my heel open – seeking mercy from the world for just a night.
I slowed down as I saw my place of refuge at the end of the street, as safe haven from the creepy shadows and soul starved trees. As I got closer to the house, I saw the light from the windows spill out onto the street, casting away the shadows and exorcising the demons that bit at my heels as I ran.
I desperately hammered on the door, clinging to the hope of somebody rescuing me. I waited impatiently at the bright blue door for an answer and when I did not get one I called out and knocked again.
Light flooded the pathway as warm, comforting arms enclosed around me and put the demons at bay again.
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140,894 Literary Works • 673,706 Reviews
Hey Terpsichore,
I've finally got to your review. Let's get right to it, then, shall we?
Now, while you have some great description here, my advice would be to break it up into smaller sentences. Also, "wit" should be "with". Perhaps replace "ground" with "earth" here. I would end the first sentence after "river". And alter the next as follows, "For a long this river, stories of rape and murder hung in the air, like a thick fog."
Kill the "continuously". It doesn't really add anything remarkable at all.
Try, "scared by the movement of those thin patches of light; a result of the headlights of passing cars."
Beautifully written.
I'd edit this to subtly kill the appearance of this description being over the top as follows: "The air around me was cold and damp; the ice cold wisps of wind breathed down my neck, sending a chill down my spine like cold fingers desperately stealing the last of my sanity."
If they have a purpose, then they are not doing this carelessly.
Instead of "seemingly insignificant", say "smaller".
Did the stone seek mercy? It certainly sounds like it from this piece.
I'm not quite sure what you meant here. Perhaps you meant "a safe haven"?
The verb "got" is imprecise. Use something like "moved" or perhaps, "approached the house".
The hope that someone would rescue me.
[/quote]Light flooded the pathway as warm, comforting arms enclosed around me and put the demons at bay again.[/quote]Beautiful ending!
Overall:
Awesome first paragraph...
hmm... a little bit confusing second paragraph...
Third paragraph... I would try it more like this;
"As i turned around, a twisted hand of bark and twigs caught in my hair, pulling loose strands and leaving them to tickle the nape of my neck.
Small changes... do you see them
hmm... I would try to find another word than 'creaked'...
Wow. When you say descriptive, you sure mean it! I love, love, LOVED this piece! This must've been very good practice for later stories. You can even go back to it and use some of the phrases out of it! Although, if you are considering turning this into an actual story, then I would consider having a teeny, tiny, itsy-bitsy bit less description. Wow. I've never said that before!
[spoiler]8/10... all the description interrupted the story itself.[/spoiler]