Emanon - Prologue

Hiya Trep!

Pregnancy: I'd have expected a bit more emphasis on it with the description and thoughts of the character. Since it's the main focus of the prologue, and the plot to come, it's not a good idea to have it mentioned only a handful of times.

I'd have also liked to see more "stuffing away" of bad memories associated with it. That would probably help us in the plot to follow.

After the man: I'd like to have seen more emotion after the man left. Did she forget about the event? Remember the man but forget the unease? Expand a bit more. ^_^

Dialect: It was a bit hard to understand in some places. When giving characters an accent, be sure you don't overdo it to the point of making it illegible.

Overall: I was craving a bit more emotion in this whole work. At the moment I find it's a bit flat and you're counting on the circumstance that the man shows up to be the prologue. That's certainly not bad (the plot and circumstance), but because there weren't that many emotions it was hard to remember that she's pregnant. The plot and your writing style, however, is strong. Just add more emotion too it. ^_^

Questions? PM me.

~Rosey

Hey Terps

I'm sorry I haven't had a chance to review this before now, but I've been really busy with school and all, so I hope you'll forgive me. Anyway, review time! *Rubs hands together* Oh, and you shouldn't be afraid of posting here. Your writing's great.

Terpsichore wrote:It was the middle of winter and the rain was pouring down in the slums of Emanon.

The streets were empty, except for thieves skulking in the dark alleys and a lone woman running into the cover of a nearby tavern.

She pulled her tattered cape off and sat down with difficulty at one of the few empty tables. The tavern owner walked towards her table and folded his arms.

Why was she sitting down with difficulty? If there is no reason for it, you don't need to describe it. If there is reason for it, describe the reason.

“A woman carrying heavy with child shouldn’t be walking aroun’ in weather like this. You’ll catch your death.” His tone softened. “Wha’ can I get ye, Moira?”
“Anythin’ that’ll warm me up. It’s bitterly cold outside.” She said, shivering.

Now, this is some great dialogue. You don't want to spoil it by elaborately illustrating the accents by omitting letters, etc. It is extremely hard on the eyes to read sentences like this, and unless the accent is unique, you don't need to tell us about it. If the owner, for instance, has a completely different accent from anyone else, perhaps you could emphasize his accent like JK Rowling does with Hagrid. But even here, it should be sufficient to describe the accent.

For example: "Friends, Romans, Countrymen," the politician began. His accent was distinctly British."

The hairs on the back of her neck stood up on end even though she knew that there was never anybody dangerous in the slum’s taverns.

I do believe the expression is merely, "on end", rather than "up on end".

The city guard were only in the slums if there were problems, and even then their presence was rare.

They were only in the slums when there were problems.

The thieves were of no concern to the slum occupants, as they mainly worked the wealthier areas of the city.

Perhaps you would like to elaborate on this. Do the slum occupants know the thieves? How do the thieves differentiate between the slum occupants and the wealthy?

He was wearing a large hooded cloak which covered his face.

I would replace "was wearing" with "wore". This is to make the sentence shorter, faster, and more intriguing to the reader.

What struck Moira as unusual was not that she failed to know who he was, but that he was standing alone with no drink in his hands.

I would try to rewrite this sentence in the active rather than the passive. It is pretty confusing in the passive, as the "unusual" and the "not" together make it hard to read because they are both negatives. Also, you've interrupted the sentence as essentially what you are trying to say is that he was standing alone with no drink in his hand. I would rephrase as follows, "The fact that he was standing alone with no drink unnerved Moira more than her unfamiliarity with him." Also, why is she surprised that he's standing alone if he's not a regular in the bar? Surely she should see that he's a stranger and has no friends as of yet?

She looked over her shoulder at William, the tavern owner, and knew that he too was looking at the cloaked man by the door.

This introduction of the Tavern owner is a little clumsy; a little forced. Try giving us his name in the dialogue above.

A look of distrust crossed William’s face, but he just scowled and carried on with getting drinks for his customers, who were all jeering at each other and laughing loudly.

Kill the "with".

“Good evening” he purred out from under his hood, which was still pulled far over his eyes.
“Can I help ye?” Moira asked bluntly.

I'm not quite sure if it's just me, but I seem to find the word purr to be better suited to a cute, cuddly, docile cat. Perhaps said would suffice?

He chuckled and pulled his hood over his head, revealing his face. He was not an ugly man, quite the contrary. But his good looks were disrupted by a large scar which lay under his cheek. He had a friendly face, but something sinister glinted in his eyes, and at once Moira knew this was a man not to be trifled with.

A very nice paragraph.

“I have a favour to ask of you,” his accent was not local, at least not of the slums. “This child that you bear, you know not the father?”

I would place a full-stop after "you". You don't need to continue the same sentence.

She just shook her head. It was not something that she was particularly proud of.
“What a pity, I would’ve liked to talk to him too.” He sighed “No matter, what I have come to say to you tonight applies only to you and your daughter.”
“You know the sex of my child?” Moira asked, taken aback.
“Your daughter is to be somebody of great consequence, and you are to take great care of her.” He replied, not answering her question.

I do think this happens to abruptly. Build us up to it. Also, add an aspect of greater originality to it. For example make this guy a drunkard who's drunk to much. Make him seem a madman. Show us a little tension in her person. Come on, we need reason to read on. Create some mystery!

He stood up from the table and nodded at William, who was standing at the table, clutching Moira’s drink and glaring at the man. He looked at Moira again and answered, “Just trust.” He looked at William once more before pulling his hood over his eyes and with one smooth movement, left the tavern, his cloak swishing behind him.

Heya there!

Don't be nervous for posting your work here Also, don't take any critism to heart. We're here to help you improve your writing. So embrace it all and put it to good use

I didn't read the other reviews--I usually don't--so pardon if I repeat some things that have been mentioned before ^_^

It was the middle of winter and the rain was pouring down in the slums of Emanon. The streets were empty, except for thieves skulking in the dark alleys and a lone woman running into the cover of a nearby tavern.

She pulled her tattered cape off and sat down with difficulty at one of the few empty tables.

The tavern owner walked towards her table and folded his arms.

“A woman carrying heavy with child shouldn’t be walking aroun’ in weather like this. You’ll catch your death.” His tone softened. “Wha’ can I get ye, Moira?”

“Anythin’ that’ll warm me up. It’s bitterly cold outside.” She said, shivering.

“Aye. I’ll get ye some of my special brew” He winked at her and strode off.

He was wearing a large hooded cloak which covered his face.

She looked over her shoulder at William, the tavern owner, and knew that he too was looking at the cloaked man by the door.

Moira looked back and was shocked to find the cloaked man sitting at her table.

“Good evening” he purred out from under his hood, which was still pulled far over his eyes.

“Can I help ye?” Moira asked bluntly

But his good looks were disrupted by a large scar which lay under his cheek. He had a friendly face, but something sinister glinted in his eyes, and at once Moira knew this was a man not to be trifled with.

I have a favour to ask of you,” his accent was not local, at least not of the slums. “This child that you bear, you know not the father?”

She just shook her head. It was not something that she was particularly proud of.

“You know the sex of my child?” Moira asked, taken aback.

“Your daughter is to be somebody of great consequence, and you are to take great care of her.”

Wha’ did he want?” William growled

She finished her drink quickly, and warmth spread throughout her body. The feeling of dread she had felt earlier had left with the hooded man.

Hi Terpsichore! I'm here to review your work. And are the people here really that quick to rip apart work? o.O

It was the middle of winter and the rain was pouring down in the slums of Emanon.

The hairs on the back of her neck stood up on end even though she knew that there was never anybody dangerous in the slum’s taverns

The city guard were only in the slums if there were problems, and even then their presence was rare.

Moira recognised everybody in the crowded tavern, except for a man leaning against the wall nearest the door.

He was wearing a large hooded cloak which covered his face

A look of distrust crossed William’s face, but he just scowled and carried on with getting drinks for his customers, who were all jeering at each other and laughing loudly.

He was not an ugly man, quite the contrary. But his good looks were disrupted by a large scar which lay under his cheek

Wow, you shouldn't be afraid to post because this was good.

Moira - a little description of her would be nice. When you describe her either walking into the tavern or out on the street. I imagined her as a pretty lady with a dirty face. Clothes that were obviously old but well kept, auburn hair and bright green eyes... but I have no idea if that is how she looked . Same with the bartender, a little more description in that area would help us picture the characters better.

The streets were empty, except for thieves skulking in the dark alleys and a lone woman running into the cover of a nearby tavern.

Moira rubbed her arms and looked around the tavern. The hairs on the back of her neck stood up on end even though she knew that there was never anybody dangerous in the slum’s taverns

“Can I help ye?” Moira asked bluntly.

He chuckled and pulled his hood over his head, revealing his face. He was not an ugly man, quite the contrary.

He chuckled and pulled his hood over his head, revealing his face. He was not an ugly man, quite the contrary. But his good looks were disrupted by a large scar which lay under his cheek.

He looked at William once more before pulling his hood over his eyes and with one smooth movement, left the tavern, his cloak swishing behind him.

“N-Nothing important.” Moira answered, and forced a smile in William’s direction.

Hey Terpsichore =]

I'm Dudette and I'm going to attempt to review this for ya'

So. I honestly couldn't find that much wrong with it! You shouldn't be scared to post your work on YWS. We only review to improve your work - not to put you down

It was the middle of winter and the rain was pouring down in the slums of Emanon. The streets were empty, except for thieves skulking in the dark alleys and a lone woman running into the cover of a nearby tavern. - Nice introduction. It sets the scene well

The tavern owner walked towards her table and folded his arms. - Maybe you could describe a little of what the tavern owner looks like or his expression towards her.

He was wearing a large hooded cloak which covered his face. - Is it actually covering his face, or shadowing it from view?

from under his hood - This may just be my personal preference, but I think 'underneath' would sound better than 'under'

“Can I help ye?” Moira asked bluntly. - I'd add in a little on how she's feeling here. I'd be a bit unnerved if a random stranger appeared at my table.

He chuckled and pulled his hood over his head, revealing his face - This sounds as if he's pulling his hood up. I'd maybe re-phase it to something like; 'He chuckled and pulled his hood back to reveal his face.'

He looked at Moira again and answered, “Just trust.” He looked at William once more before pulling his hood over his eyes and with one smooth movement, left the tavern, his cloak swishing behind him. - You use 'looked' twice here in quick succession, so I'd maybe suggest replacing one of them with something like, 'glanced' or 'gazed'


Setting; I think you have succeeded in creating and describing a good setting and it was easy to imagine the surroundings. I would suggest adding a little more description of the tavern - did she recognise any locals, etc. Though I wouldn't add to much as this is only the prologue.

Characters; The hooded man seemed very mysterious - good job! The woman seemed a bit flat as she didn't really display much emotion - a little more of her feelings here and there will make her seem more realistic. The tavern owner seemed protective of Moira, but apart from that we don't know much else about him - it may not be necessary for us to though, as this is just a prologue.

Plot; So the hooded figure came to tell Moira that her daughter is going to be 'somebody of great consequence' I can't wait to find out what's so special about her

Overall; - I think this was a great prologue/ start to a story, and I'd like to follow this story as it develops. Can you please PM me when you post the next part?

I hope I've been of some help to you

xDudettex