The hooves of a nearby horse came rearing up, angered by the wails, shouts and angered voices making their way over the evening zephyr. Brokencobblestone pathways crawled their way through the entire town, everywhere you could turn there was suffering. Piles of decaying flesh piled up; a completely horrific stench surrounding the citizenry. The horse used to empower Empires, leading them to conquer; now it became all-too-clear that it also had the power to destroy them, to have them be conquered. For the goods they now transported were not in good faith. Many had thought of it as an apocalypse brought on by god to flush the sinners and preserve the righteous. Instead, it was an apocalypse brought on by the plague.
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125,009 Literary Works • 672,837 Reviews
I enjoyed reading this, and I liked the image that the passage brought. I could see the sort of gloomy scene unraveling before me as I read over this work of yours, so I would also say well done on the part of imagery. I also really liked how you used the image of the horse - I thought it was very well utilized as a comparison of conquering to being conquered; of the might of armies verses the power of disease. To me it was short and sweet and interesting to read, so good job! I believe that the only bit of critiquing I would have to make would be regarding some grammatical errors. First, I feel like the word "brokencobblestone" should be written as "broken cobblestone." Second, I think you should replace the comma in the second sentence with a semicolon, so it would be "...through the entire town; everywhere you could turn..." instead. Additionally, I believe the word "Empires" needs to have a lowercase "e," and that you need to capitalize "God." Other than that, I think you have a very well written little passage that I am glad I was able to read. Keep on writing!
Hey there!
I was a little surprised by how short this was! Is this a piece out of something you're working on? Or perhaps you're planning on writing more? I like that you're writing this- I think it's always good to keep the things that happened in peoples minds- so hopefully it can be prevented from happening again.
Most of this is description- which is fine, I can't really say there's anything wrong with it since it's so short. But I think you could make it impact us a lot more if you... made it a little more abstract. Something that's helped my prose - and descriptions especially - immensely (or I think it has anyway) is poetry! You might not write or like poetry, but my suggestion is give it a try. Read a few poems and try your hand at it a bit.
For instance...
"Angered voices" could pack a way harder punch if you kicked the adjectives out of there for the most part. In this case, that would be "angered". Try to show us how "angered" the voices are instead of stating it. What does a voice sound like when it's angry? What are the voices saying? Basically what I'm suggesting you do is describe the colour red- so to speak. Try to go beyond what is anger and get to the heart of it- if that makes sense. Also there's too "angered" in that sentence which make it sound a bit odd.
I like this ending line! Somehow it really made me sit upright suddenly, metaphorically speaking!
I hope you expand upon this! Keep it up!
-Socks
Thank you!
Tenebris and I wrote this in a writing exercise, and we thought this was a good little piece. So we edited it, and posted it! I am a bit more of a fan of Poetry, so I intend to do a poem on this subject. And both Tenebris and I intend to write at least one more short... piece? Thank you for the feedback!
Cool! And no problem! c:
This is truly a work of art. The vivid descriptions and the use of the five senses has enlightened my experience. Thank you for writing such a piece, although it is short, it conveys a lot of meaning. Thank you.