It's Constant
For some
Trivial
For some
Yet
For a moment
I wish
For the merest regard
A moment
To feel
My importance
My minute
To live
Mine.
To pull back the blinds
To see the sun
Embrace my essence
One moment
Mine.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Hi, Ten. I'm Sunny, and I got to say: I really like this poem. Just a few things:
I would just un-capitalize "constant" to make it fit in more.
For the sake of smooth reading, I would change "merest" to "smallest" or something to that effect.
My favorite part.
Wow. I really like this. Like most profound poems, it is simple, but inspirational. There were few errors, in fact, none at all. And it had a great message, an emotion we can all relate to. That why we're all here; we are preparing ourselves to be great.
~Sunny
Hey there, welcome to YWS, even though you've been here for a pretty long time now. xD
You are the random piece of writing that appeared at the top of the screen, so here I am.
I'm Kirsten, btw.
Onto your poem:
The simplicity was great, and the flow was perfect. I loved how you didn't bother going into rhyming. That would have ruined this piece, I feel. People are in the habit of making poems rhyme, and it is rather annoying, as a lot of the time the rhyming is too forced and the poem doesn't flow right. Yours did quite the opposite.
The use of single words and tiny phrases in this poem was extremely powerful. I think using semi colons would be a great idea for this poem, it would make the words all the more powerful and incredible.
My favourite part:
This part sent shivers down my spine, excuse the cliche *coughcough*
There are a load of improvements I could suggest, but I think this poem's flaws make it all the more incredible. That's the beauty of poetry, great poetry is something that involves flaws, perfection would ruin a good poem. xD
The only suggestion I shall give you is to use semi colons.
Other than that, well done
~Kirsten
xoxo
Heyo, welcom to YWS, I am God,
I enjoyed the simplicity of your poem (as other people did)
but on the other hand, I also enjoyed your use of a single word at the end, "Mine"
it shows much more emotion, I think, that people give it credit for,
If I am not interpreting this incorrect, the underlying meaning of the poem is an inner need to be oneself, yes?
lack of rhymes is good in this scenario, because the rhythm makes up for that, your words flow together nicely,
ahh, but to be free for but a minute, would make this prison bearable.
but would it? hmmm...
Good job,
Peace,
God.
PM me for questions, comments, insults, randomness, eccentricity, whatever,
and if you have a problem with my name, feel free to make one up of your own decision, I honestly have no preference.
Hiya, Ten! Welcome to YWS!
I'm Demeter, and I shalt be thy reviewer today. From now on, could you please do at least two reviews before you post any more poems/stories, since that's a rule here.
I very much liked the simpleness of this poem. It's miraculous how a poem with so little words and metaphors can be so effective. That's the real beauty of poetry, I think.
However, I didn't enjoy the second half of the poem as much I did with the first one. I think you focused too much on the narrator's self, instead of just keeping it simple and sort of abstract. And bringing up the "my importance" thing kind of pulled the carpet under my feet. It's a matter too personal for this poem, even though I know there's really not poetry without personal matters. I just feel it stands out too much, but instead of completely ditching the idea, I think you could soften it a little.
Also, the line "To pull back the blinds" doesn't sound very good after the short line "Mine.", even though it does get better with the other longer lines toward the end.
I liked the "Mine" idea you had going on there, though I did say you focused too much on the self. But that's was mainly in the middle, not so much in the end. I hope I explained myself well enough for you to understand, because at the moment I feel like this is just a big jumble of nonsense. Haha.
See you around and good luck with your writing! PM me with any questions.
Demeter
xxx
Hello there Ten! Welcome to YWS, I hope you enjoy it here because this really is a great writing community. Well anyways, I'm Angel of Death but every calls me Angel.
Okay, I've been critiquing a lot of poems today, so I'm sorry if my advice is repetitive. First off I like the idea you have going on here, but I think that the execution could be stronger. One thing that I'm glad to see is that you didn't let this poem be soaked in rhyme schemes, instead you focused on the words which flowed.
The only thing that I really didn't like was the last "Mine.." at the end of the poem. It just messed up everything for me. This wasn't a major mess up, but one must know how to end a poem so that it isn't bad or questionable. By ending the poem like this, people will feel that there needs to be more, when really this is an agreeable length for this.
Thanks for the read and keep writing. If you have any questions please feel free to PM me.
Ta,
~Angel