Cold but still there

                                                                                        Cold but still here

Tears are flooding her eyes, red bloody tears rolling down her cheek as she watches her love saying his goodbye. She tried to yell in protest, to grab him, hold him close to her heart. Her heart that now was hurting so bad. Her heart that now was breaking inside, cracking little by little with every step he made away from her. She shortly realized that her love was just a game for him, that he threw her like an old toy that he got bored of.

The poor lonely soul now yells as the pain overwhelms her core. All her protest, all her excuses and apologizes only made the boy slight turn his gaze towards her. With no pity and compassion whatsoever he turned around to take a full glance of her. In the dim light of the room she could only make up a grin, a sadistic smirk on her lovers, once comfortable and warm, face. His teeth cracking and growing, turning into sharp fangs created an image even more horrifying in his victim’s mind. He was an animal now, an animal ready to devour what is just a simple bug in his world.  

He started to get closer making small and calculated steps. With every sound that his shoes made the girl knew that he was never the picture she has imagined of him. She still tries to deny what her own eyes show her. In her mind everything about him was simply perfect… his lips all sensual and all-knowing… the memory of their slow movement on her own. The way he teased her senses with every nibbling, every bite… every touch. The lost memory of his tongue sliding in, invading her mouth, dominating her own tongue still lingered in her mind vividly bringing back all the overwhelming sensations that she now knows will never repeat.

He raised his hand as he often would when he’d caress her cheek, cuddle her jaw tenderly or simply when he would grab her own hand to squeeze it gently as they walked down the golden road of her past.   

Her arms feel next to her at the memories… heavy as this new emotional exhaustion overflowed her bones. She didn’t have the power to even breathe anymore, her chest filled with so much pain that she felt numb. She couldn’t understand what happened... she couldn’t understand how everything feels so out of shape.  

The monster now was getting closer. She could remember his eyes… warm and compelling staring into her own. He was smiling as she was gazing at him after one of their long kisses. She couldn’t look into his eyes for too much time, but when she did she was welcomed by a pair of cinnamon brown lustful eyes hidden behind a wave of black eyelashes. The look on his face seemed in that moment created only for her… but which girl doesn’t believe she is the only one for her boy?

Now as he got closer she saw that his eyes were thirsty but not of love… of destruction… the warmness and tenderness in them replaced by a cold and revengeful pair of eyes.  

“I want what you gave me!” His demonic voice vibrated through her soul as he pushed his hand into her chest and grabbed her core. He squeezed hard and her already cracked heart turned to dust.

The pain came back and this time it lingered. The creature in front of her stepped away untouched… no blood, no tear… nothing… like she never existed she was erased from his mind just like that. The thought that she was a nobody for him made her cry even harder. She fell to her knees trying to hold in the sobs. She screamed as the pain intensified in her, the sound a projection of her pain and failure. When she reached with her hand to grab the shirt where her heart once was she met a hole, a round and empty hole.

 “You broke my heart!” She yelled as the gap in her started to fill up. She yelled again and again… but she was the only one to hear her own pleading and curses. The dark void started to get cold while she was using all her energy to get back on her feet. When she reached the peak of her torment she was again standing straight, with a hollow in her chest all frozen, hard and implacable.

Her red tears still painting her beautiful features. As he came back into her mind she started shivering furiously and she would curse every love word he ever told her and that she believed them, she would curse the fact that she gave him her heart, that she allowed him to steal her first kiss, to steal her innocence like they were his to begin with.

Still driven by pain and agony she started crawling her way out of that dark and lonely room she sat in. The light hit her hard burning her eyes as she managed to step out. Now looking at the other persons around, she could see demons everywhere. Every man she would speak with she would see his face contorting into a demonic one making her run away from them. As she tried to run from every person that she felt they would harm her wounded heart she came face to face with her lover once again.

He was still the same picture perfect she has created. She would forgive him even now after all this time. Her pride stayed in the way but still… she would step on all of it just to hold him again… to feel his breath on her aching and bruised skin, to feel the softness of his touch on her lips, the gentleness of his curly hair on her face, the love they shared even for such a small time… she would forgive him in a second if he would come and tell her the truth or what he felt… anything actually… if only he felt something for her to begin with.

She still loved him came the realization which was followed by her horror. The emotion wasn’t both ways, which she knew… he found a better toy, she wasn’t of use anymore. She felt that maybe it was her fault that everything ended up in this way… that maybe she made him leave… that maybe she was the bad guy in this situation but nothing could be changed anymore. As much as she knew that, the girl couldn’t make herself forget the past. She stayed in it, indulged by the excruciating sentiments and she remained there for a lot of time. She would look upon her past and would smile and then she would cry and beg any god that would hear her to make things right again.

That is when she thought that maybe things were right… that maybe in her destiny it was written for her to be in pain and for him to win, to be happy… or happier than he was with her. Maybe she was burden for him… maybe she was a bad influence something that would harm him.  

She stayed there staring at him, trying not to cry… but everything is in vain. She was sobbing uncontrollable as her ice cold heart started to hurt once more. She knows she doesn’t have anything to offer to a man ever again if she still let’s her heart in his claws.

Her lover couldn’t see her anymore. He threw her away and since then she was invisible to him, her struggling, her screams, and her tears were nothing to him… if they ever were something to begin with. She was alone and she knew it.

As she was looking at him she lost her balance and fell. The girl didn’t hit the floor but she got through it like it was water. She started to float as the water filled her lungs. She felt so numb, so soulless… so crushed and hurt that she didn’t want to do anything but die in there drowning slowly and painless.

 A hand extended itself to her. She grabbed it being pulled out… from the hole created by her own stupidity and suffering. As fast as she saw the person that saved her she shook her hand free and left him. She ran away from him like she was running for her life stumbling over her own feet she would get back up and would keep running, even if the man long since gave up chase. She saw him just like some other monster.

Again and again she saw her lover… again and again the torture came back. She was equally hating and loving him. She was equally disappointed in her as she was in him. After some time the girl realized she couldn’t keep dwelling on this emotions and thoughts that belonged to the past. She realized that she wasted so much time, so many emotions on somebody that didn’t deserve them.

She wanted an explanation… or maybe revenge… she didn’t know herself. Until the moment her lover left she felt like she was the only girl for him, that there would be nobody else to get this love from him to get this kinds of caresses or kisses… that she was special for him but now she knows she was simply another doll that he threw away. Now she could see behind him so many heartless girls that were just like her looking for his touch once again.

In that moment she stand straight for the first time since she lost her soul, her heart still dust and frozen filled with pain and grief… but she stand straight with her head up high nonetheless. She regained her pride. She regained her vigor now being embarrassed for crying in vain for someone like him.

She came back and now... it seemed that he could see her but acted like she was inexistent. Just like he did to her she brought her hand and powerfully struck it into his chest crushing his heart into pieces. The difference was that when she got her hand out it was all bloodied, the red and thick liquid slowly slowly landing on the floor in small drops, slowly burning the skin on her hand, and slowly making its way into her veins. His hole never froze but healed itself like it denied the girls success. She had her pride back, and a part of her heart... that was a good thing. She could feel the frozen hollow cracking, maybe in time it will give away and melt or it will crack and fall to pieces… anything will be possible, anything would be better. Now she knows she is a nobody… but she also knows that anyone else is a nobody.

She let the demons get close to her, but they never touched her ‘heart’ as her lover did. He was the first one so the memories with him will always live in her mind. Every moment even if they were short will always have the greatness of intensity; will always be perfect in act as in theory… Why theory? Because now she needed to strain her mind to remember everything in detail… the girl knows she will never forget him, but the moments with him would keep getting erased little by little in her mind being replaced by new memories… hopefully better memories… happier ones.

She lived controlled by adrenaline and hormones with him… With the other monsters she would hold back and always control everything within her mind, only giving them what she believes they deserve… she doesn’t have a heart to give anymore so she shall give anything else in response.

She would steal some of their hearts and they would disappear for her, some would try to steal what she had no more and some would be just like she is and would pay no attention on her hollow just like their heart was broken and their chest filled with ice. None of them were exactly like her… no one else knew how it was like to take the same road she took. Sometimes she would see shadows of his once beloved lover but just small glimpses would only bring small amounts of pain. She knew her love turned to vengeance which ironically brought comfort through her sad veins of blood.

From all the demons she tried she never saw one that would have a frozen heart and a bloodied limb. None knew what was like to be hated and to hate at the same time. She felt lonely now… she didn’t think anyone was there like her… Her hollow never ceased to crack but it never broke either, it still stayed there… the pain and suffers still there.

She would sometimes feel a small amount of intensity for some of them… but none like she felt for her lover. She would never be hurt just as much as she was by him. Now she is truly heartless.

 One day she realized she turned into a small doppelganger of him. She would treat the demons just like her toys… she wouldn’t care for any of their hearts just like he doesn’t… the realization hit her hard and the frozen hole cracked painfully this time.

She gave up at playing around with those monsters and went back into the small room she locked herself in when her heart got smashed. There she found a small chair waiting. As she sat she could feel the blood on her hand sliding down her arm. She didn’t pay more attention to it than she would to a tear rolling down her cheek. Those were acts that would often happen… everyday routines.

She slid her elbows on her knees and hid her face in her palms gazing out in the distance through a small window in the corner. It was so dark that she could only see the blue vibrating color of her hole and she could only hear the small drops of blood that burned her skin trying to release themselves to fall on the floor.

She waited there until the echoing small sounds of blood splashing on the cold stones underneath her intensified. The pain didn’t. She raised her head to see another chair next to her and a boy coming in her directing with a frozen hole and a bloodied arm. He didn’t look at her; he was staring out the window.

His features in the dim light were astonishing; there were no red eyes, no long fangs… just a small sad look and a lost mind behind a pair of blue eyes.

He turned his gaze towards her, startling the girl and making her look out the window. She could hear a beautiful small giggle from him. She build up a little strength before trying to look back at him. Not being able to look in his eyes she kept staring out the window.

Soft footsteps from his bare feet started to vibrate through the room as he made his way on the chair next to her. She moved unconsciously closer to him as he did as well. The drops kept falling on the floor and small sounds of ice cracking could be heard as they kept staying there, none of them having the courage to talk with the other one.

At one point the girl saw his lover once more. He was standing in front of her with his hand raised towards her. A lot of anger was created in the girl’s core just seeing that small shadow and she got up straight pushing him away. He grabbed her wrist making her fall with him in the darkness but a strong grasp around the bloodied wrist was keeping her in the small room. She could hear a curse as the demon disappeared and she fell back pulled by the raw strength holding her wrist. She fell on the boy with blue eyes splashing his chest with her blood as his blood stained her own torso.

The red and thick liquid got mixed together as their fingers started to tangle. Both of them felt a strong and painful sensation as the ice in their chest started to melt. Blood was splattered on their chest from the moving and those red drops where creating holes in the ice melting it all. They saw that in their void still existed a small trace of their old heart, a wilted but still beating part of their once whole life… enough to have what to offer to the other one… together making a whole. The blood still stained their hands but it no longer burned their skin… it no longer brought back painful memories… but instead it gave them hope for a better future.

The boy raised his hand to her cheek and offered his lips to her. She took them with a hunger she never knew she still had. She missed the intensity of a true kiss. She realized he wasn’t a demon but a wounded soul just like she is.

The girl woke in a bed next to her lover… her true lover.

“Nightmares?” She heard from him in a hoarse and sleepy voice as he turned around to grab her by her bare torso and pull her in a strong embrace.

“It would seem so but no… no nightmares.” She turned her gaze to take a better look at him. One of his deep blue eyes were staring at her while he was trying to get used with the morning light washing over them through the opened window of their room. She took in the sight of him as he stayed there caressing her waist with his thumb. His bare chest glistened in the sunlight and his golden strands of hair were reflecting the radiance from the sky outside. A beautful view she thought.

“I am happy for you.” She could feel his wet and longing lips on her spine as he nibbled certain spots on her skin. He rose from the bed to tease her neck going up so he could bite down on the lobe of her ear.

“Come here.” She heard her own voice as she grabbed his head and started trailing down kisses along his lower lip. He opened for her tongue to slide in and overwhelm his mouth. They stayed there tasting each other for a few minutes until they both needed to take a bit of air.

“Thank you for saving me.”

“What?” His voice trailed off between pants.

“It doesn’t matter… just thank you… What are you intending on doing to me in this morning?”

“Last night wasn’t enough for you little hungry girl?”

“You know me… I am never satisfied.”

They both hid under their cover as he offered her his love. Their laughter and silent screams spread in to the air overwhelming those two hearts that once were crying for a bit of attention, for a bit of love. The girl knows just as the boy does that their first love as painfully and tormenting as they were they will always linger in their minds, always remembering them what pain truly is and how tormenting can it be a life without the other one.